If You Feel Confused More Than Safe In Your Relationship, These 7 Signs Shouldn’t Be Ignored
ArtHouse Studio | Pexels Confusion isn't what healthy love feels like. While every relationship has moments of misunderstanding or conflict, a steady partnership should still leave you feeling fundamentally safe and respected.
If you find yourself constantly second-guessing what your partner means or feeling like the emotional ground keeps shifting beneath you, that uncertainty can start to wear you down over time. These seven signs shouldn't be ignored because they can help you recognize when relationship confusion isn't just a rough patch — it's a pattern worth paying attention to.
If you feel confused more than safe in your relationship, these 7 signs shouldn’t be ignored:
1. Don't ignore if there's distrust from the moment your relationship starts
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You may assume that it’s just your partner being protective of your new connection. However, that is no reason not to trust you. A new partner going through your phone is about control. Couples therapist Marni Feuerman agrees, stating that checking up on a partner's messages and private conversations is a classic early red flag for manipulative, controlling behavior.
It’s a huge red flag for controlling and manipulative behavior if your new partner is going through your phone. If your new romantic partner is looking at your messages and commenting on your private conversations, that's not love.
2. Don't ignore if your partner berates you for talking to or seeing your friends/family
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You may begin to believe the most common lie used in these situations. Moreover, you’ll be less likely to run to your friends and family when your abuser hurts you. Cutting you off from the people who know and love you is a calculated strategy.
Research in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that social isolation is one of the clearest early indicators of an abusive dynamic, with abusers actively working to separate victims from friends and family before any other form of control takes hold. That’s how the abuser manipulates you. Many emotional abusers seek to throw their victims into social isolation. If your partner gets moody every time you bring up your best friend or your parents, that's not love.
3. Don't ignore if your partner showers you with affection right after a fight
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They’re employing what is known as love bombing. A 2024 study found a direct correlation between love bombing behavior and emotional abuse, noting that the excessive early affection is designed to gain control rather than express genuine love.
Every time you two have a big blowout, you threaten to leave, and they respond by showering you with an unusual amount of love and affection until you agree to stay, you are being love-bombed. Love-bombing is a very common tactic used to manipulate victims into doing what the abuser wants, especially when it comes to not terminating the relationship. If you’re showered with an undue amount of affection every time you argue, but once you forgive, it comes back to normal, that's not love.
4. Don't ignore if your partner wants control of your finances
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Especially if they do not work themselves, there is a good chance they are just looking to trap you. Research from the National Network to End Domestic Violence found that financial abuse occurs in 99% of domestic violence cases, and that financial dependency is one of the top reasons survivors say they stayed or went back.
Taking control of someone’s finances can ruin any chance they have at ending the relationship without falling back on someone to take care of them, and abusers often subject the victim to social isolation before taking over their finances. If someone asks for your paycheck or wants equal control of your finances very early on in the relationship, that's not love.
5. Don't ignore if your partner threatens to hurt you
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Threats are a serious warning sign that should never be minimized. Clinical psychologist Dr. Kristin Davin explains that emotional abusers frequently use threats of physical violence as part of their arsenal of control, to keep a partner too afraid to speak up or leave.
That is a problem. Whether your partner is threatening to hit you or just threatening you by hitting the wall next to your head, threats should be taken seriously. It does not take much for people to cross the line from threatening to actually hurting a loved one. Threatening to hurt someone you profess to love? That's not love.
6. Don't ignore if your partner questions your emotional responses to situations
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By critiquing what you have to say, belittling your thoughts and feelings, that's not love. Therapist Reta Faye Walker, who specializes in couples counseling, explains that a study on the sociology of gaslighting showed how abusers use this tactic to erode a victim's sense of reality, often leading to long-term anxiety, depression, and trauma.
It is commonly known as gaslighting. It is designed to make people feel that they need their partner to help them function normally in the world. Furthermore, it deepens their isolation from the people around them.
7. Don't ignore if your partner tries to intimidate you
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Run! Most adults know that you can have a civilized conversation about a disagreement without scaring the other person into agreeing with you. Abusers are not most adults, however, and they put on this dramatic show to try to overpower you. Whether they’re screaming at the top of their lungs, swearing at you, throwing things at you, breaking things, putting holes in the wall, or driving unsafely while you’re in the car, it’s important you know that that's not love.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Cortney Warren notes that volatile screaming and emotional explosions in relationships are directly linked to decreased relationship satisfaction and a significantly higher probability of escalation to physical aggression.
While many people experience emotional abuse at the hands of their romantic partners, only a few can catch the abuse at the start of the relationship and get out before it becomes too dangerous. If you or someone you know is in an emotionally abusive partnership, I urge you or your loved one to leave.
Justine Steckling is a writer who focuses on relationships, mental health, and abuse. She's the author of the poetry collection, I Will Rise: A Book of Poetry on Living With Mental and Chronic Illness.
