When You Love Someone Who Won’t Commit, These 8 Painful Truths Eventually Hit You
Anne Cristine | Pexels Many people in the dating world consider having a fear of commitment a non-starter. People with commitment issues, like myself, are equated with players, cheaters, and heartless losers. I have no problem attaching this label to myself. I'm the Amy Townsend of Trainwreck in my friend group: infamous for having short-lived flings, for purposely dating men with whom things will go nowhere, and for shutting things down before they can ever get started.
I admit it — I have commitment issues. I've only ever dated one man more repelled by commitment than myself, and I admit, I was kind of impressed. It's not that I'm disinterested in love; I'm just not interested in being in a relationship for its own sake.
When my person comes along, I'll be willing to re-evaluate if necessary. But until then, I proudly wear the badge of someone who has a fear of commitment. If you're dating or interested in someone who also has commitment issues, there are a few things you need to know if you want things to go well — and yes, things can go well despite their fear of commitment.
When you love someone who won’t commit, these 8 painful truths eventually hit you:
1. You cannot change someone else's fear of commitment
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If you're dating someone who fears commitment and believes they will commit to you if you give them time, love them enough, or show them how great relationships can be, you're setting yourself up for heartbreak. There's only one person who can change someone's commitment issues, and that is the person who has them themselves.
And people only change themselves if they see a need for change. You can't coerce transformation in anyone. If being in a committed relationship matters a lot to you, you should find someone who feels the same way. Researchers at the University of Rochester have spent decades studying what actually makes people change, and it turns out external pressure backfires. When someone feels like they're being pushed, nagged, or given ultimatums, their internal motivation actually tanks.
But when they arrive at the decision themselves, that's when you see real, sustained transformation. The change that sticks is the kind that bubbles up from the inside, from a person looking at their life and deciding they want something different.
2. People with commitment issues get portrayed as bad guys, but they're not
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Not all of us, anyway. Not wanting a commitment doesn't mean we're callous, uncaring, or selfish. It doesn't mean we don't care about you or want you in our lives; it just means we don't foresee wanting a commitment, and we aren't going to pretend otherwise.
If we pretended we wanted that stuff just to get close to you, that would be callous, uncaring, and selfish. And some jerks do that. Those are the bad guys. If we're telling you about it upfront, we're doing it because we want you to understand what it'd mean to date us, so you can decide with your eyes wide open.
2002 research found something fascinating: Avoidant people actually do want intimacy, just like securely attached folks. The difference is they're deeply conflicted about it. Growing up with parents who were emotionally unavailable or dismissive taught them that needing closeness leads to disappointment, so they built walls. It's not that they don't crave connection. It's that their nervous system learned early on that wanting love was a setup for pain.
3. People who fear commitment see relationships differently
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Society has this obsession with committed relationships and marriage as the pinnacle of existence, and well, we don't buy it. We think there are myriad ways to have a relationship, and it doesn't always have to look like what our parents had. For people who get twitchy at the thought of commitment, having room to breathe isn't just nice. It's everything. Research shows that folks with high attachment avoidance can actually be deeply satisfied in relationships, but only when they still feel like their own person.
They don't need constant togetherness or heart-to-hearts every night. They need to know the door isn't locked. Give them space to be themselves, and they'll often choose to stay right where they are. It's not that they don't love you. They just love you better when independence is still on the table.
4. They're the best people to talk to about their commitment issues
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We all have our reasons for shying away from commitment. More often than not, it's not because we want our love life to resemble an all-you-can-eat buffet, but that isn't always the case. Talk to us. Ask questions. Listen to our answers. What we tell you might make more sense to you than you think. Or, maybe it won't. But it'll be more accurate than what anyone else has to say about it.
5. People with commitment issues tend to make accepting partners
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The thing is, since we're not planning on legally binding ourselves to anyone, we don't care all that much about some of the stuff that other people are going to get hung up on. Your messiness/bad credit/low-paying job/messy divorce/debt/horrible driving record doesn't affect most of us in any real way. Are you a cool human being who maybe has a messy life? Eh, whatever. It happens. If you're a walking disaster, it's a problem, but generally speaking, that stuff is your business, not ours.
6. People with a fear of commitment can still be capable of feeling incredibly deep love
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We know, we know; this goes against everything everyone thinks about us, but it's true. For a lot of us, it's what scares us the most about relationships. We feel things intensely. We love wholeheartedly. And it's often bitten us in the behind.
Add to that an aversion to following the fairytale script, and loving becomes a complicated thing. But if we fall for you, it's going to be that earth-shattering, life-changing kind of love. It probably won't lead to a ring or a picket fence, but it will be its kind of beauty.
7. If you want to keep someone with commitment issues, let them be free
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Someone once told me that some people are like jets and others are like airports: jets have to have freedom to do what they do best, and airports need to be grounded and secure. And the only way the two can work together is if the airport doesn't try to keep the jet out of the skies, and the jet makes sure the airport knows it's coming back. If you want your partner with commitment issues to find a home in you, give them the space to fly.
If you've ever tried to corner someone who needs breathing room, you already know how that ends. They just pull away harder. Research on avoidant attachment backs this up. Chasing someone who's retreating only makes them retreat faster.
But here's the counterintuitive part. When you give them the space they're asking for without making it a whole dramatic thing, they actually come back sooner. Letting them process at their own pace doesn't push them away. It actually makes them feel safe enough to come closer. Think of it like those skittish cats who want affection but only on their terms. Stop reaching for them, and suddenly they're in your lap.
8. If someone with a fear of commitment asks you for a commitment, it means they're a goner
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Like, we're toast. We've fallen under your spell, we've found a reason to change, and we're done for — possibly for the long haul. This is not a drill. Lock that thing down, post haste.
Attachment research backs this up, noting that people with avoidant tendencies spend most of their romantic lives pumping the brakes on commitment because getting too close feels like a threat to their freedom. To them, "let's make this official" can sound an awful lot like "let's put you in a cage." So when someone who's wired this way actually asks for commitment? That's not a small thing. That's them rewriting their entire operating system for you.
Gwen Hutchings is a writer, content strategist, and editor. She works with multiple brands, including Sundance Catalog, Madly Wish, Redmond Minerals, and Single Dad Laughing.
