Experts Say These 8 Simple Questions Will Quietly Change The Course Of A Marriage
Gorgev | Shutterstock Marriage and relationships are hard work. We know, but do we truly understand it? If we're not careful, we can turn even a loving relationship into a toxic one just by cruising along and assuming everything is fine. It can be hard to tell when your relationship has crossed the line from healthy to unhealthy.
Next thing you know, your partner is miserable, and you and you are shocked and caught unaware. After all, you thought everything was fine! But did you ever stop to ask them the questions they need to hear so you can find out how they feel? Probably not! Simply asking someone, "Do you love me?" or "Are you happy?" will not get the job done. No, you need to get deeper. But how?
We asked a group of love and relationship experts what questions a couple who wants to test the health of their relationship should be asking, and our roster — Chris Shea, Sharon Davis, Nancy Dreyfus, and Stan Tatkin — did not disappoint.
Experts say these 8 simple questions will quietly change the course of a marriage:
1. 'Do you feel like you get to be your real self around me?'
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Relationships are when two people love each other and want to be with each other. But if you and your partner feel like you can't be yourself, it can't be real love because they can't know the real you. Ask: "Am I being my real self in this relationship?"
Higher levels of authenticity were associated with greater self-esteem, relationship satisfaction, attachment security, and lower levels of depression, research has found. Feeling authentic in a relationship, that is, feeling like you are able to be yourself rather than acting out of character, is healthy not just for the relationship but for your well-being in general.
2. 'Is there anything you feel like you have to hide from me?'
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If you or your partner feels like they have to walk on eggshells around the other, that's not good. After all, a good relationship is all about honesty, and if you have to start hiding things from your significant other, there's something wrong.
A 2023 study found that when couples feel their relationship isn't based on honesty, they consistently rate their relationship quality as lower. The research showed that harboring secrets creates a cycle of distrust and emotional distance, so creating a space where both partners feel safe enough to share openly isn't just nice to have — it's essential.
3. 'Who is the person you go to for comfort, celebration, or anything exciting in your life?'
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Your partner should be your rock, and you should be theirs. They should be the ones to fight for you and defend you. Your partner should be the one to make you laugh until you cry and the one who takes your breath away. Your partner should be the first person you want to tell whenever anything happens to you, be it good or bad. If you are not that for them, you should find out why, so you can become their rock and their true home.
4. 'Do you put the relationship first?'
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This is perhaps obvious. But there are people who, because of their past and their culture, have learned to put themselves first. Are you one of those people? Is your partner?
Research found that people who are committed to their marriage tend to prioritize their partner's needs and engage in actions that promote happiness and intimacy, while lower levels of commitment often lead to resentment and competition. The willingness to sometimes set aside your own immediate self-interest for the good of the relationship turns out to be one of the strongest predictors of whether a marriage will thrive.
5. 'What do you love about this relationship?'
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Sometimes, we marry our partners because we love them, and sometimes because we love how we feel when we are with them. There's a difference between like and love, and it's important to know which you feel for the marriage to have a chance.
Researchers developed a scale to assess romantic love and distinguish love from like, arguing that romantic love includes three main components: attachment, caring, and intimacy. Liking is conceptualized as feelings of warmth, closeness, and admiration of another, while loving is made up of caring, attachment, and intimacy. Knowing which one you actually feel for your partner can make all the difference in whether a marriage lasts.
6. 'Do you know what I need and like? Do I know what you need and like?'
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Everyone has a love language that they speak, and what you need to feel loved might not be what your partner needs. Very often, we don't think about the things that make our day, but take a moment and see if you know your partner as well as you think you do. And if you don't, that's okay, you can learn it.
A 2022 study found that couples who understood and responded to each other's preferred ways of receiving affection reported significantly higher relationship satisfaction. The research also showed that learning to meet your partner's needs boosted your own happiness just as much as having your needs met by them.
7. 'Do I know who you truly are? Do you know who I am?'
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While it might seem like this has nothing to do with the health of your relationship, it's the most important thing. Losing your sense of identity in your relationship can do more harm than good. You need to know who you are and how your past might affect your relationships (because it usually does in some way).
And you need to know whether you understand your partner's unique identity, too. That way, when something bothers you, for example, you'll understand why and be able to work on it without feeling resentment towards your partner. Ask yourself, "Who am I?" If you don't know, how can your partner?
8. 'Is there more?'
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This one is simple, but it may be the most important one. Say it with love. Be inviting. Make it an opportunity for your partner to hear and see that you want to understand how they feel. You don't have to wait for the "relationship check-in quiz" to ask this one. Bring it out with a loving touch or kind smile any time your partner is talking about their feelings.
These three words may be the key to building true, lasting intimacy. If you haven't been asking these questions, know that it's not too late — so don't feel like your relationship is doomed. Even if you or your partner answered the questions in a way you weren't expecting, that's okay.
As long as you both are aware of the work that has to be done and are willing to get some guidance, there is no reason your relationship can't go back to being perfectly happy now that you truly understand each other.
The YourTango Experts team includes licensed therapists, dating and life coaches, matchmakers, and more professionals committed to offering you the tools and guidance for a happier and more rewarding life.
