The Art Of Being A Decent Husband: 9 Simple Habits Of Genuinely Decent Husbands
Great husbands aren't perfect, they're consistent.
Mathieu Improvisato | Unsplash The beauty of being treated poorly in relationships is the power and self-respect you gain through your hard knocks. A common yet understandable error that disempowered people make is to question themselves and justify poor treatment by others.
It’s beautiful to have a compassionate heart, but when it comes to your inner circle, and especially your romantic partner, you must be unapologetic about your standards and not let your compassion for others get the better of you. In other words, don’t feed your pearls to swine.
The decent husband uplifts you and treats you with the respect you deserve. If you find yourself questioning whether he loves you despite his hurtful behavior, then you’ve answered your own question: No. He does not love you, and it’s not because you are unlovable — it’s because his capacity to love is impaired, and you're in an unhealthy relationship.
The majority of people do not intend to harm others. However, many do cause harm, not because it’s their intention, but because they are too stuck in their own suffering to consider the needs of others. They are not in a state of love, so they cannot possibly love you. When someone you are romantically involved with does not show you tender care, empathy, and most importantly, decency, it’s because they live in such a narrow psychological world that all they can manage to do is greedily protect themselves. Or worse — inflict actual harm on others.
Here are 9 simple habits of genuinely decent husbands:
1. He makes you feel safe physically and emotionally
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This one seems obvious, but those of us who have been threatened and/or abused know the insidious power of the abusive cycle. Not only does it lower your self-worth, but chemically, the lows that come with abuse are so severe that the feel-good oxytocin released into the bloodstream when the abuser "loves" you again becomes enthralling. Real love is grounded, trustworthy, and stable — and a genuinely decent husband will treat you accordingly.
Genuine emotional safety in relationships is characterized by partners who trust each other, routinely give each other the benefit of the doubt, and create an environment where both individuals feel secure enough to be open and vulnerable. Research has shown that this emotional security is built through consistent actions, healthy boundaries, and the confidence to be honest without fear of rejection or judgment.
2. He respects your boundaries
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A classic sign of self-centeredness is a person who pressures you into doing things for him that you are not comfortable doing and has no regard for you. You are an object to him, to be used for his own power source.
If you are an empath and giver by nature, you must especially watch out for this trap. You feel good by giving, he feels good by taking — it’s the perfect storm that leads to destruction and classic dysfunctional relationships. It has nothing to do with love and everything to do with low self-worth and a search for identity through another person.
3. He consistently keeps his word and is honest with you
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Renowned American psychologist John Gottman found that trust is the number one quality people seek in a romantic partner, more important even than physical attractiveness. When promises are broken, couples are more likely to lose trust in each other, which can sometimes irreparably damage the relationship.
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz brought the importance of this reality to light. It’s been said that it’s better to live in a tent if you must than to live in a mansion with a man you can’t trust. Your romantic relationship is one of the most intimate relationships in your life, and what allows it to be intimate is trust. Without trust, there is no relationship. Trust is the very foundation of your relational home. If he does not keep his word, you are not safe with him, and he is not a genuinely decent husband.
4. He pays attention to you and prioritizes your needs
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A genuinely decent husband knows how special you are. He shows you care and attention because he truly cherishes you. Neglectful people are not available for love — to themselves or anyone else. They are stuck at a very young level of emotional development, and no matter how fantastic you are or what you do, he’s simply not capable of giving you the care you deserve, and he never will be.
Partner responsiveness, which involves being attuned and attentive to each other's needs and goals, is a core protective process that leads to satisfying and successful relationships. According to one study, this responsiveness includes understanding your partner's core self, validating their view of themselves, and expressing genuine warmth and concern.
5. He speaks in a manner that is polite and respectful
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You need the person you’re with to be a real mensch (Yiddish for a person of integrity and honor). Someone who speaks rudely in general and especially in your presence does not honor you, themselves, or anyone else. When you have an unpleasant bodily reaction to the words someone uses, there is usually a very good reason for it. It’s because they are unloving.
We teach people how to treat us. Putting up with disrespectful talk tells them their words are acceptable. Even something as common as a man using the word "girl" to describe a grown woman is patronizing, demeaning, and twisted. We don’t call grown men "boys" because it would insult their maturity and masculinity.
6. He is fully committed to you in sickness and health
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It’s healthy, normal, and natural to feel attracted to other people, whether or not you are in a relationship. Acting on this attraction is something different altogether.
Commitment is a sign of love and devotion. If someone is not committed to you, they do not really love you, and they are not a genuinely decent husband. If you have a sick child, you are required to take time off from work and self-interest to care for that child. Abandoning your parental duties because other things are more appealing to you would mean that you don’t truly love your child. The same is true in romance.
7. He treats your needs as important priorities worth his time and attention
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One of the most self-oppressive things you can do in relationships is to pretend that you don’t have any needs. We all have a need to be loved, appreciated, and cared for on emotional and physical levels. If you suffered neglect or abuse as a child, you likely subconsciously believe that you are a burden, but it’s not true! You deserve a mate who is capable of treating you like a precious gem worthy of the best.
For those who experienced childhood neglect or emotional unavailability, there's often an internalized belief that needs are a burden or that emotions are unimportant. Research stresses that this couldn't be further from the truth. When emotional needs consistently go unmet in childhood, people may develop a foundational sense of unworthiness or being undeserving of love and attention.
8. He compliments, encourages, and builds you up
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Generally speaking, criticism beats a spirit down. Most people criticize themselves enough. The last person we need to hear more negative feedback from is our partner. There is a difference between a person who offers helpful suggestions and one who criticizes — the one who criticizes constantly is not a genuinely decent husband.
The latter causes you to feel bad about yourself. Don’t tolerate it. Not for one second. When criticism becomes constant in a marriage, research identifies it as one of the four key signs of a deteriorating relationship, often evoking shame and embarrassment that can stir up old childhood wounds. A decent husband understands that his words carry weight and chooses to be his partner's biggest cheerleader rather than another critical voice in her head.
9. He constantly offers his time, energy, and attention
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A healthy, loving partner appreciates your love but does not demand it for his own ego gratification. Anything that’s imbalanced, including relationships, is subject to disease. Relationships are a two-way street about each person shares with the other. You’ll have an intuitive sense when someone is sucking your energy. Pay attention to that inner knowing because it will only get worse.
Psychologists emphasize that healthy relationships are built on mutual emotional investment, where both parties feel valued and supported, and fairness is achieved when people feel they get approximately what they deserve from relationships. When relationships become imbalanced, with one partner consistently taking more emotional energy than they give, prolonged overextension can lead to emotional exhaustion and feelings of resentment
Heather Hans, LCSW, MBA, is a Public Speaker, Licensed Psychotherapist, Intuitive Coach, Holistic Healer, and author of The Heart of Self-Love. Dr. Hans has appeared on multiple news stations and has been featured in Forbes, Fast Company, and PopSugar.
