When Parents Distance Themselves From Their Grown Children, They've Usually Come To Feel These 11 Things
M_Agency | Shutterstock People often discuss familial estrangement from the adult child's perspective, yet parents, too, can make the difficult decision to go low-contact or no-contact. The reasons parents distance themselves from their adult children are complex, yet they are no less valid. Family dynamics can create tension from both sides of the relationship between parents and their children.
Every family system operates differently; some ways are healthier than others. If a parent feels as though maintaining a close bond with their adult child is no longer possible, they might decide to emotionally or physically separate from them. While estrangement is never easy, it often serves as a measure of protection, giving space for healing past wounds.
When parents distance themselves from their grown children, they've usually come to feel these 11 things
1. Shame and guilt from the past
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Parents who often distance themselves from grown children often do so because they feel shame or guilt they haven’t worked through. Maybe they weren’t as available as they wanted to be when their kids were young, and they internalized that experience so profoundly that they pulled back from their kids’ lives now that they’re grown.
Shame and guilt are often concurrent and related emotions, yet they’re defined differently. Guilt is caused when someone realizes they’ve done something that’s caused harm to others. Shame is a negative evaluation of oneself as evil because of something they’ve done. In other words, guilt is what a person feels when they’ve made a mistake, and shame is what they think when they blame themselves for that mistake.
June Tangney, a psychology professor at George Mason University, noted that when people feel guilty about their behavior, “they’re inclined to want to confess, apologize, make things right.” In contrast, when people feel shame, “they’re inclined to become defensive, to deny, to blame other people, to not really take responsibility and sometimes to get angry at others for making them feel that way. But what they don’t necessarily do is change their behavior.”
Parents might feel ashamed to such an intense extent that they don’t know how to move forward or make things right with their adult children, so they distance themselves.
2. There is lingering resentment
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Parents might also distance themselves from their adult children if they have built up resentment. It’s possible they still feel hurt by past grievances or believe their kids treated them unfairly.
Resentment is incredibly challenging, as it’s tied to other emotions, like anger and envy. The Berkeley Institute for Well-Being describes resentment as what happens when people don’t get what they think they deserve.
According to their definition, “Resentment is a particular flavor of anger,” which is often caused when someone’s boundaries are violated or their expectations aren’t met. Being resentful is hard to move on from, which is why parents who feel deep resentment toward their adult children might decide to distance themselves.
The Berkeley Institute notes that gratitude and forgiveness are the opposites of resentment. Forgiving someone requires accepting the situation as it is. While doing so isn’t necessarily easy, people can release resentment by checking in with themselves and working toward finding forgiveness.
3. They have other priorities
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Parents might discover that their priorities have shifted as their kids grow up and leave the nest. After spending decades tending to their family members' emotional and practical needs, some parents decide that they need to put themselves first, finally. As a result, they prioritize their daily routine, hobbies, and friendships over daily contact with grown children.
While these changes may not be easy for some adult children to accept, that doesn't make them any less valid. It can be hard for adult kids to see their parents as individuals with their own hopes and dreams, which is why they might get upset when their parents decide not to help watch their grandchildren or ask someone else to host the holiday dinners.
In many ways this is natural and healthy, as long as both the parents and kids feel heard and understood. Parents of grown children deserve some autonomy after years of devotion toward their kids, and it's a great opportunity for adult kids to develop more autonomy, too.
4. There is generational pain
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Another common reason parents distance themselves from their adult children is unresolved generational trauma. If a parent was raised in an environment where emotional detachment was normalized, they’ll likely repeat those patterns with their kids.
Unhealed trauma gets passed on through family systems, often without people realizing that’s what’s happening. A person harshly judged and criticized by their parents might have the same attitude toward their kids solely because they don’t know any other way to be a parent.
When parents are unable or unwilling to do the work needed to reroute their trauma, they usually struggle to show up as a stable presence for their kids, both in childhood and adulthood. For this reason, they end up distancing themselves from their adult children.
5. They have opposing values
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It can be challenging for parents to accept their children as autonomous individuals who form their opinions and determine their value systems. It’s relatively common for children to become adults who discover fundamental differences in their beliefs and upbringing. Just as that dissonance can contribute to an adult child’s decision to go no-contact with their parents, it can also be a reason parents distance themselves from their adult children.
Parents might not agree with their adult children’s lifestyles. They might oppose the choices their kids make for themselves and their own families. They may simply vote differently. Those differences might lead to the painful move of putting distance between themselves and their children.
As therapist Erika Johnson notes, “The falsely quoted adage ‘blood is thicker than water’ might compel us to maintain these connections,” yet the sad reality is that those connections can be built on false foundations, often leading to estrangement.
6. They want to avoid becoming overly-dependent
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As parents get older, a hard truth begins to emerge, which is that they won’t be around forever. The aging process is anything but easy, on both a practical and an emotional level.
As parents move on in years, they often need extra support. It becomes harder for them to live independently, which can create a challenging situation for their adult children, as they become responsible for their parents’ care while raising their own families.
Gen X parents are part of the “sandwich generation” of people providing for their Boomer or Silent Gen parents and their own children at the same time. There’s no easy solution to this issue, which is why so many adult children and their parents wind up feeling trapped. Parents might feel as though they’re a burden on their adult children, and that feeling of guilt makes them isolate and distance themselves.
7. They have health issues
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A factor that directly relates to an aging parent’s impending fear that they’re too dependent on their adult children is having health issues. It’s highly possible that their energy and capacity for relationships isn’t what it used to be. Their health challenges can deeply affect how available they are, along with their capability for maintaining close connections with their kids.
Some parents with health issues might make the active decision to distance themselves from their adult children, while for others, it might happen gradually and subconsciously. They might struggle to leave home as often as they once did, or they might find it difficult to take on too much at one time.
The changes they go through as they get older are a common reason parents distance themselves from their adult children. If, however, this is the reason why they're distancing themselves, it is probably good to try to build a bridge to keep the connection strong. After all, as a report from Stanford University illustrates, people of all ages benefit from inter-generational relationships.
8. They feel overwhelmed and need some space
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Parents might distance themselves from their adult children if they feel overwhelmed by family obligations. Maybe one child lives on the West coast and the other lives on the East coast, but they both have young children who they want their parents to visit or provide care for.
Maybe organizing holidays has become stressful, and they feel like they’re stretched too thin. Because of the multitude of conflicting situations they find themselves in, they end up not being close to their adult children.
Parental burnout is very real, and it doesn't only affect young parents. It can also affect older parents whose kids are already grown. Recovering from extreme burnout is challenging. Parents might decide to take care of their own needs and take time away from their adult children, so they can reset and recharge.
9. They’ve gone through a big life transition
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Parents with adult kids often experience major life changes that cause them to shift their focus inward, or at least, away from their children. Big transitions like retiring, getting divorced, downsizing, or losing a spouse can seriously impact a parents’ ability to be present for their adult kids. They might decide to take a step back by contacting or visiting their kids less often, so that they can show up for themselves.
Life transitions can be joyful and exciting, but they can also be painful and require people to rearrange their expectations and their relationships. With every new era gained, there's always some amount of loss accompanying it. Because of the scope and depth of the changes they’re going through, parents might distance themselves from their adult children.
10. Their grown child is self-destructive
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Even parents of grown children can become enablers of their self-destructive kids. Sometimes this is because of a mental health issue or a substance dependance disorder, other times the grown child is in a downward spiral of poor choices.
As much as a parent may try to help and support their struggling grown child, there's only so much they can do before becoming an enabler. They may need to set boundaries and establish limits with these grown children in order to prevent their child from getting worse.
This is one of the most heartbreaking choices parents of grown children will ever have to make. For support, organizations like Al-Anon can help loved ones find ways to show support in ways that are healthier for all members of the family.
11. Their grown child is unkind or cruel
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Yes, there are times when parents distance themselves from their grown children due to that child's unkind or cruel behavior. Maybe their child treats their parents in ways they would never treat a friend or coworker, thinking their parent is a safe place to dump frustrations and heartbreaks.
While this may be normal for young children whose parents are an appropriate place for kids to "fall apart" or melt down, parents should teach their young children and adolescents to feel and process their feelings in ways that don't hurt others. This is a crucial life skill, and one that people should have mastered by the time they're adults. After all, tantrums are normal for little kids, not adults.
Sometimes, if a parent has distanced themselves from a grown child, it means that child hasn't done the work to manage their own emotions. Parents have every right to set a boundary with that grown child in order to protect their own peace. It can also help their grown child learn the consequences of unkind or selfish behavior.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.
