If You’re Exhausted From Carrying Everyone’s Feelings, Experts Say These 5 Boundaries Are Essential
N Voitkevich | Pexels Creating boundaries when you're exhausted from carrying everyone's feelings around all the time is very important. Pretty much all relationships have them. Boundaries are what strengthen your connection while making you feel safe and secure.
When you set boundaries, you make sure your needs are met. But what we don’t always know are different ways that we can set these boundaries. Our boundaries rely on what our connection is to the person. Whether they are our romantic partner or a cousin.
If you’re exhausted from carrying everyone’s feelings, experts say these 5 boundaries are essential:
1. Set a boundary about needing alone time
I’ve noticed in a lot of my relationships and in life in general that I need alone time to function. Sure, I love having people around and having social interaction, but I also learned that I need time where I can be alone in the comfort of my own room to think, relax, or just reflect on what I have going on.
It’s my break from reality, and without it, I’ve noticed that I start to become anxious, cranky, and extremely tired. If you identify as one of these people who rely on their alone time, let them know you need it in the beginning, so you’re not having to tell them later on after they worry when you go radio silent for an evening or two.
Psychologist Dr. Perrin Elisha points out that introverts require large amounts of alone time to regenerate and feel healthy, and that being upfront about this sets everyone up for success early. The need for personal space is an individual preference, and communicating openly with your partner can help each of you find and honor whatever space is needed.
2. Set a boundary if you don’t want to talk all day every day
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If you aren’t someone who is glued to their phone, you need to be straight up about this. Most people like to talk every minute of the day and get upset when they didn’t talk with their significant other. I used to be that person in a relationship. My perspective changed when I realized that the more you talk over text, the less you have to talk about in person.
I’ve since dated people who want to talk multiple times a day or spend every ounce of time we have communicating even after we just hung out, and I’ve gone along with it to make them happy. But in the end, I wasn’t into it, and they struggled when I came clean. This can potentially be a deal-breaker, so you need to be upfront about it as soon as you can.
Dating coach Ronnie Ann Ryan explains that texting has become the preferred first stage of getting to know someone, but communication is far less intimate when you don't hear someone else speaking. Setting a boundary around constant texting early on is protecting the quality of your real connection before it gets buried under a thread of small talk.
3. Set a boundary that you can say no
I schedule random reminders on my phone, telling myself that I can say no if I start to feel disrespected. If you feel the need to always please everyone else, do yourself a favor and schedule this “no” reminder to your phone. You have no idea how these tiny reminders can positively influence your life.
Research has found that assertiveness training significantly improves self-confidence and reduces anxiety, which basically means the more you practice saying no, the easier it gets. Setting that phone reminder might feel a little silly at first, but you'd be surprised how much a small nudge can shift the way you move through your day.
4. Set a boundary that your needs are valid
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Sometimes we do question ourselves if our boundaries are unreasonable or abnormal, and there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s why there’s nothing wrong with seeking support from people outside of your relationship.
Seeking reassurance doesn’t have to be just between the people in a relationship. You need to know your feelings are valid. Sometimes our friends are the ones to remind us when we need it most.
Social support from friends and loved ones directly lowers how stressed we feel, so talking it out with someone you trust is genuinely good for you, research has found. Your people know you better than anyone, and sometimes they're the first ones to remind you that your needs are valid when you've forgotten.
5. Set a boundary for when you feel overwhelmed
When you feel overwhelmed or scared when people keep asking you things, whether it’s asking you to hang out or for favors, respond with “Can I get back to you in a bit?” This way, they know you’re considering it, but it relieves the pressure you feel to respond.
But this way it acknowledges that it’s on your mind, but allows you to focus on this decision before going over your head. The important thing to remember is that you don’t have to justify your boundaries. Everyone should understand that that is a part of who you are and how you function.
And if they can’t accept that you’re a strong individual who has needs and boundaries, then they clearly aren’t strong enough for you. And remember: Setting boundaries is not meant to disappoint or hurt others; it’s to protect you and your relationship, and all parties involved should respect and encourage that.
When everything is coming at you at once, even just buying yourself a few minutes can completely change how you respond to a situation. Neuroscientists describe a brief pause before responding as a small window where your brain recalibrates, your body settles, and you stop running purely on stress and start thinking more clearly.
Brittany Christopoulos is a writer, journalist, and fill-in TV co-host. She's a Senior Writer and Head of Trending News for Unwritten.
