Experts Reveal The Top 3 Reasons Parents And Adult Children Become Estranged — And They're All Preventable
The avoidable mistakes behind most rifts between parents and their grown kids.
Hannah Poposwki | Unsplash Family can feel like strangers when adult children distance themselves from one or both of their parents. The process of adult child/parental estrangement is often wrought with emotional turmoil on both sides of the growing gap.
Being cut out can make parent seriously question their self-worth, while the adult child might be in the middle of a difficult healing journey. In some situations, the estrangement began long in the past and can likely become a permanent condition if the past is not dealt with in the present.
According to a study on intergenerational estrangement, there is also a chance this estrangement could be a temporary sign of positive personal growth for the adult child. We asked our family and relationships experts at YourTango to help explain why adult children become estranged from their parents.
Experts reveal the top three reasons parents and adult children become estranged — and they're all preventable:
1. There's broken trust
Adult child and parental estrangement is a heart-wrenching topic that delves into the core of human relationships. At its foundation, estrangement often stems from painful memories and unhealed wounds.
This can arise from past trauma or abuse, where the child, now an adult, seeks to protect themselves from further emotional pain. Trust, once broken, especially during formative years, can be challenging to rebuild.
— Clare Waismann, Founder of Waismann Method and Domus Retreat
2. There's abuse and neglect
fizkes / Shutterstock
One of the most common reasons for adult child/parental estrangement, not surprisingly, is the adult child's growing awareness of childhood physical, sexual, or emotional abuse and neglect.
Most of us protect ourselves by believing our childhood was normal. It is painful to identify as a victim, and it is devastating to realize the people who were supposed to love and care for us did not.
In the process of growing up, often through psychotherapy, people may realize that the negative experiences in childhood have made them afraid to trust and love others, and this stems from old experiences in their family of origin. In the process of healing and moving forward, some people choose not to maintain relationships with their parents.
— Aline Zoldbrod, Ph.D., psychologist and relationship therapist
3. There are attempts to control
Another reason for adult child/parental estrangement may be more temporary. Part of the child's task as an adult is to separate emotionally from the parents. Adult children have their views on life, their ways of doing things, their own choices in career, life partners, styles of childrearing, et cetera.
This can be a difficult transition for parents. If parents try to impose their views and beliefs, and opinions on adult children, those adult children can become alienated and frustrated and will cut back on spending time with parents.
The distancing creates hurt and alienation in all parties involved. When parents accept adult children's ways of doing things, these kinds of breaches can be healed.
— Aline Zoldbrod
Adult child/parental estrangement is not a good time for anyone. Both sides feel the pain of the emotional and physical distancing.
For parents, the struggle can be surprising and confusing at best. The adult child has already been challenged emotionally in ways that helped lead them away from their parents, often for the adult child to protect themselves either from past trauma or from future control.
If you are an estranged parent, take some time to self-reflect on your role in the problem. If you are an adult child who has chosen to distance yourself from your parents, we see you.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
