11 Things Parents Should Never Say To Adult Children If They Want A Real Relationship With Them
These are the quickest ways to sabotage an otherwise healthy parent-child connection.
Kues / Shutterstock Tensions in relationships between parents and their adult children are nothing short of common. Whether they’re caused by the natural kind of disconnection that happens when children leave home or by unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms, it’s natural and sometimes inevitable that conflict and resentment will eventually arise and need to be dealt with.
Experts suggest that, much of the time, parents and adult children struggle to resolve conflict because of differences in their communication styles. Healing these wounds starts with vulnerability and honesty during open conversations. Many of the things parents should never say to adult children if they want a real relationship with them do the opposite, which is why it’s important to intentionally leave them out of already tumultuous conversations and interactions.
Here are 11 things parents should never say to adult children if they want a real relationship with them
1. ‘When are you going to grow up?’
Fizkes | Shutterstock.com
Many adult children feel disconnected and resentful of their parents because of unrealistic expectations and standards. Phrases like this or “When are you going to be more like your siblings?” are inherently rooted in a toxic comparison culture, where adult children feel constantly compared to standards they simply cannot reach.
If you want to build a real, healthy relationship with your adult children, start by meeting them where they are. If they’re struggling financially, in their career, or building relationships, find a way to support them without unnecessary comparisons, criticism, or judgment.
2. ‘Why do you never visit?’
Motortion Films | Shutterstock.com
According to family therapist Sarah Epstein, parents who guilt-trip their children into spending time with them or visiting are doing the opposite of building a loving, healthy, and trusting relationship. Of course, it’s natural for parents to miss their kids and want to spend more time with them after they’ve left the house, but guilt-tripping them into coming home isn’t prompting healthy connection.
Phrases like “Why do you never visit?” or “Your life must be so great! You never come home...” are all self-sabotaging to a healthy family dynamic. They not only burden kids with the emotional labor of making their parents feel more secure and comfortable, but they also guilt and shame adult kids for simply investing energy and attention into their own adult lives.
3. ‘We didn’t raise you this way’
Pixel-Shot | Shutterstock.com
Everyone changes and evolves as they get older, even your parents, and yes, even your kids. Suggesting that an adult child’s life choices or decisions are wrong simply because they’re not the same ones their parents would make is not only dismissive and invalidating, it can also spark tension and resentment in the family dynamic.
Adult children are allowed to explore, experiment, and make their own choices when they leave the house. They’re adults who are fully capable of looking out for their best interests. The best thing a parent can do to have a real relationship with their kids is to support them regardless of their choices and to only give advice when they’re asked for it.
According to family psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein, a phrase like this might feel motivating or empowering for a parent seeking control over their adult children, but for the kids themselves, it’s dismissive and isolating.
4. ‘You never tell us anything’
Chay_Tee | Shutterstock.com
Adult children don’t owe their families anything, especially things that don’t serve in their best interests. Even if parents have a sense of entitlement over their kids’ energy, space, time, and lives, like psychologist Dr. Margaret Rutherford suggests is most common in codependent or enmeshed relationships, phrases like this aren’t helping anyone build a healthier foundation.
It can be difficult for parents to give up control over their kids’ lives, especially after raising them for decades, but it’s essential for a real relationship into adulthood. They have all of the tools to succeed, now they just need support from their parents and occasionally a shoulder to cry on, advice, and love.
5. ‘When are you getting married?’
ViDI Studio | Shutterstock.com
Especially in today’s world, where many young adults are actively challenging and combating traditional expectations around marriage and “settling down,” it’s not surprising that a question like this is one of the things parents should never say to adult children if they want a real relationship with them.
It’s not only dismissive to an adult child's current life and success to suggest they’re not doing enough by being single or childless, but it can feel isolating, reminding them that no matter what they do, if they’re not settled down, they’re not doing enough in their parents’ eyes.
6. ‘You’re living in a dream world’
Gladskikh Tatiana | Shutterstock.com
From gaslighting behaviors to dismissing adult children’s concerns and even invalidating their life choices, a lot of the tension adult kids and parents have later in life stems from being unable to simply support each other, rather than expressing judgment or concern. Like a 2015 study on parental estrangement suggests, many adult kids actually go “no contact” with their parents because of a pattern of subtle behaviors like these, rather than one specific traumatic moment or experience.
So, even if a phrase like “you’re living in a dream world” or “you don’t know how the world actually works” seems unsuspectingly innocent, they can spark divisions and resentment between parents and their adult children.
7. ‘If you loved me, you’d do this’
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock.com
According to psychologist Lynn Margolies, guilt-tripping is essentially a form of emotional blackmail, where people coping with fears and insecurities seek out approval and validation through others. Whether it’s the silent treatment, targeted and hurtful language, or weaponizing their affection, it’s one of the ways parents sabotage their relationships with adult kids.
For example, an adult mother who feels overlooked, unloved, or even disconnected from their adult child might use a phrase like “you’re leaving because you don’t like me” or “if you loved me, you’d do this” to spend more time with her kids and seek affection, even at the expense of their relationship.
8. ‘You’re so immature’
Fizkes | Shutterstock.com
Another way adult parents sabotage healthy relationships with their adult kids later in life is by dismissing their emotions and invalidating their identity. Whether it’s a phrase like “you’re so immature” or “stop being a baby,” resorting to criticism, rather than support or understanding, can be detrimental to truly healthy communication.
Many parents struggling with insecurity or a loss of control in their family dynamic will resort to language like this to assert their superiority over their adult kids. Even if it’s not intentionally malicious, their need for control and security often sparks hurtful behaviors and language.
9. ‘You’re overreacting’
Fizkes | Shutterstock.com
Like psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein explains, gaslighters typically use phrases like “you sound crazy” or “you’re overreacting” to manipulate people in their lives, whether it’s intentional or not. To control their behaviors, assert their superiority, and get what they want, they spark insecurity in the people around them, rather than simply listening and supporting.
It’s one of the things parents should never say to adult children if they want a real relationship with them. It’s not only dismissive, rude, and invalidating, but often helps them to avoid the accountability and vulnerability that’s necessary for a healthy connection.
10. ‘You wouldn’t survive without us’
Fizkes | Shutterstock.com
Whether it’s financial support, personal advice, or even affection, parents who weaponize helping their adult kids with a phrase like this to get what they want or to seek some kind of validation are pushing them farther and farther away.
Suggesting that adult children are incapable of looking after themselves without your support will only motivate them to go “no contact” or stop accepting help from you out of fear of being judged.
11. ‘When I was your age…’
Alexander_Safonov | Shutterstock.com
Many older parents use a phrase like this to suggest that their kids have it easy compared to them at the same age. Whether it’s intended to be a validation-seeking comment or simply a way to dismiss their kids' concerns and emotions, it’s one of the things parents should never say to adult children if they want a real relationship with them.
Like any other kind of healthy relationship, adult children just want to feel heard and have a safe space with their parents when they come home. However, when they’re subjected to constant comparison, criticism, and judgment, with phrases like these, it does the exact opposite.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
