11 Things Adult Children Wish Their Parents Would Stop Bringing Up
As adults start to form their own lives, there are some things they are simply tired of their parents constantly bringing up.
Ekateryna Zubal / Shutterstock As children grow into adults and learn the value of their own independence, thei relationship with their parents naturally evolves as well. They no longer need to tell their parents where they're going and who they're going out with, nor do they have to seek approval from their parents for every decision they're trying to make. And as they take responsibility for their own lives, there are several things adult children wish their parents would stop bringing up.
While parents can always offer advice and support, there comes a time when they shouldn't expectation to control what their children do. However, some parents find it difficult to transition from raising their kids to see their children as adults who operate by their own rules. In their eyes, that's still their baby. That natural response can sometimes cloud their ability to respect their fully grown children's boundaries around topics of conversation.
Here are 11 things adult children wish their parents would stop bringing up
1. Marriage and kids
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The topic of when adult children are getting married and having kids can be quite exhausting, especially if they're not planning to embark on that part of life as of yet. According to the Pew Research Center, about a quarter (23%) of adults aged 18 to 34 say they're not sure about getting married, while 8% admitted they had no plans on getting married.
When it came to kids, three-in-ten say they're not sure, and 18% say they don't want children. For many adults, hearing this topic constantly being brought up only adds pressure and guilt that they're not enough until they follow that traditional route. However, many adults have their own goals and aspirations they want to achieve that have nothing to do with settling down.
2. Old mistakes
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No one likes being reminded of the times that they messed up. When parents reference a moment in their adult child's life that not only happened years ago, but they've also grown and matured from that version of themselves, it can feel frustrating. It can make them feel as if their parents either don't care about or haven't noticed the progress they've made.
There's also nothing wrong with making mistakes in life, because it's only through those challenging moments that we understand more about ourselves. As psychology professor Vanessa LoBue explained, "The gist is that we can all benefit from normalizing mistakes—by acknowledging them when we make them, and by reacting kindly when others admit to their own."
Everyone deserves the space to grow without having their past constantly being dragged behind them and brought up at every turn.
3. How infrequently they call
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When adult children are constantly being berated and criticized for not calling their parents enough, it can make them feel as if they're not doing enough and that their efforts to maintain a relationship aren't up to the standards that their parents might like. While it comes from a place of sentimentality and parents just wanting their adult children to carve out time in their schedules to call them or even pop by, it can unintentionally create a dynamic based in guilt instead of forming a genuine and loving connection.
Marriage and family therapist Sarah Epstein explained, "The conversations around calling home are a plea for connection couched in a superficial metric. The request fails to ask the adult child what they want from the relationship. More often than not, the question leads the child to feel frustrated, like a failure, and even more distant from their parent."
Instead, parents should actually take a step back and check in with their child about what they want from the parent-child relationship rather than assuming and forcing their own needs onto them.
4. Their appearance
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When parents make comments about their adult children's appearance, including their weight, how they style their hair, the clothes they wear, and even how their skin looks, it can come across as hurtful. No matter how good the intentions might be in bringing these things up, most adults don't want to hear criticism and nagging from their parents about things like that when they're only trying to have a good time with them.
Psychotherapist Tonya Lester encouraged adult children to set boundaries with their parents for times when conversations might be too much for them to handle.
"No matter how old you are, how dysfunctional your relationships are, or how scary the people in your life can sometimes be, you can always make a change. You can always learn how to speak up, take risks, and know your worth," she says.
A better and less invasive approach would be for parents to check in with their adult children's emotional and mental well-being instead of focusing on the physical and driving a wedge in between their relationship.
5. Finances and spending habits
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The last thing many adult children want to hear from their parents is, "Are you sure you can afford XYZ?" or "Do you really want to buy that right now?" This micromanaging of their finances and be quite tiring and make them feel as if their parents have this deep lack of trust in their ability to make sure they can afford their lifestyle. It can just come across as intrusive and condescending, especially if the adult child is financially independent and knows how to be smart about their money.
There are just better ways for parents to give their kids money advice without overstepping.
Psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein insisted that parents should be "finding the balance between helping and enabling" their adult children, doing things like actually focusing on financial education instead of trying to dictate them to a quick fix, actually problem-solving with their adult child, and knowing when to offer help and when to just listen.
6. The direction of their careers
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When adult children are hearing constant questions and opinions about their careers, it can feel invalidating, especially if that individual has been working passionately day-in and day-out to follow their passion. Just because parents may not completely understand certain things about the jobs that their adult children do, doesn't mean they have to constantly question or undermine their choices.
As psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein pointed out, parents only goal when it comes to their child's career should be to "instill confidence and self-reliance in their professional pursuits while offering unwavering support along the way."
Rather than coming from a place of criticism, parents should instead be coming from a place of curiosity, even if the path looks different from what they expected.
7. That one embarrassing childhood story
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Whether it was them crying on stage during their middle school play or wetting their brand new bed, adult children are simply tired of having to constantly hear these embarrassing childhood stories. They might have been funny at the time, but when they're repeated over and over in adulthood, it can start to feel a bit humiliating.
There's nothing wrong with reminiscing on old times but there definitely comes a point when these stories can start to feel as if parents might be stuck too much in the past. What parents may see as a funny anecdote of the past may not resonate the same way with their adult children. In reality, they simply want to be accepted for who they are now, not who they used to be when they were a snotty-nosed 6-year-old.
8. The condition of their home
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When adult children invite their parents over to spend the day at their house, the last thing they want or need is to hear complaints and criticism about how they keep their home. Whether it's how clean (or not clean) their space is, or backhanded compliments about how they've chosen to decorate, it can be frustrating having to defend their living situation and personal choices. These jabs at what parents may think are flaws can only make adult children feel inadequate, while also putting them in a position where they no longer want to have their parents over at all.
Their homes are simply a reflection of their personality, and so to hear these judgments from their parents, it can feel as if they may not completely understand the kind of person their children have turned out to be. It's always better for parents to simply respect their adult children's choices, even when it comes down to how they've laid out their home.
9. What they would've done differently at their age
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When parents make comments about what they would've done differently at the age their adult children are, it can be a rather exhausting conversation to have. Saying things like, "I would've bought a house at your age," or "If I were you, I would've had a partner and kids by now," ends up making adult children feel like they're falling behind when it's their lives and their lives only. It also completely ignores the social and economic state of the world because for many adults, they cannot afford the same things their parents were able to afford when they were coming into adulthood. It also minimizes the fact that adult children are their own person.
Just because something worked or made sense for their parents doesn't mean it has to be the same case for them. Instead, parents should just be embracing the fact that their adult children are living their own individual lives and coming into their own.
10. The benefits of moving closer to home
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Of course, there's nothing that would make most parents more happy than being able to have their adult children living closer to home. However, when this is constantly being brought up in every conversation, it can make adult children feel an immense amount of pressure to alter their life choices just to appease their parents. Instead of it feeling like genuine encouragement, which is probably what many parents are going for, it ends up being more of a guilt-trip.
Most of the time, adult children choose to live farther away from their parents' home because they're trying to build their own lives. It doesn't mean they love their parents any less or don't miss them as much as their parents miss them, but that they're only trying to find their way away from home.
11. How tired they look
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At first glance, parents telling their adult children, "You look tired," can feel like a comment coming from concern, and while they probably mean it like that, adult children may end up feeling as if they're being criticized for how they look. It can also just feel like an unnecessary comment nitpicking their energy levels and implying that they're not managing their lives correctly.
In a time when so many people are trying to juggle all of their responsibilities, from work obligations, family matters, and trying to find time to take care of themselves on top of that, many adults may actually just be tired as well. But the last thing they need or want is for their parents to point out their exhaustion as if it's a flaw.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
