11 Things A Man Says When He Secretly Regrets Having Kids
It's more common for a man to regret becoming a father than you might think.
ChameleonsEye / Shutterstock Even if it’s a controversial topic and a hard experience for parents to navigate, having feelings of regret about having kids is more common than you might think. This regret is often nuanced, tied to factors such as adverse childhood experiences, financial well-being, identity, social norms, and psychological health. The more you struggle with money or personal identity, the more likely you are to struggle with regret about parenthood.
Especially for fathers who became parents unintentionally, there may be a lot of nuance and complexity to understanding their specific regrets and struggles around fatherhood. While their experiences may be understudied and overlooked, there are a few things a man says when he secretly regrets having kids that can clue you into their internal emotional turmoil.
Here are 11 things a man says when he secretly regrets having kids
1. ‘I can’t babysit tonight’
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A man who regrets having kids often sees himself outside of a parenting identity, using the term “babysitting,” when in reality, he’s just being a parent and watching his kids. Even if that means his partner will take on the majority of responsibility with their kids at home, which tends to be common in hetero-relationships, he tries his best to separate himself from fatherhood.
“I can’t babysit tonight” is one of the things a man says when he secretly regrets having kids, even if the term “babysitting” is more obvious than it seems. If you have a child, are a parent, and need to stay home to watch them, you’re not babysitting. That’s your responsibility.
2. ‘We never get to do what we want anymore’
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Especially for couples who have children only because they want to conform to social norms and meet other people’s expectations for their lives, the true burden and nature of being a parent can feel overwhelming. Of course, having babies and raising kids is a powerful decision, and one that comes with a great deal of beauty and benefits, but it can also strain a relationship and alter a parent’s personal identity at first.
If you’re not ready to lean into that discomfort or make sacrifices in regard to your finances, time, and energy, it’s probably not the right time for you to have children.
3. ‘I can’t remember the last time we had fun’
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For couples with active, busy lifestyles who have children, there are often inevitable mental health repercussions, according to a study published in the European Journal of Population. If they scale back their lifestyle, their well-being, individuality, and relationship health may suffer. And if they try to maintain it as it was before parenthood, they may be met with chronic stress, burnout, and emotional exhaustion.
So, if a man says things like “I can’t remember the last time we had fun” when talking to his partner or co-parent, chances are he’s not demonizing his children for taking away leisure time, but trying to cope with the symptoms that a loss of it entails.
4. ‘I never asked for this’
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Many fathers who became parents unintentionally use phrases like this as a means to cope with their regret. Of course, that doesn’t take away from the love and affection they have for their kids. It’s simply an internal coping mechanism for the loss of things like personal identity, time, and freedom.
Especially considering that uncertain fathers adopt the role of a provider or protector in fatherhood to grapple with anxiety about the parenting transition, as a study published in the Infant Mental Health Journal explains, the emotional turmoil they feel on the inside can be quickly suppressed and unreconciled with.
5. ‘We used to be so happy’
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According to a study published in the Demography journal, rates of happiness sharply decrease after having a child, leaving parents struggling not only with the new demands of raising a child and managing their time, but also coping with their mental and emotional turmoil. Considering many men already face several personal and social roadblocks to expressing emotions, coping with change, being vulnerable, and asking for help, it’s not surprising that a phrase like this is one of the things a man says when he secretly regrets having kids.
He doesn’t know how to cope with the unexpected nature of fatherhood or all of the emotional changes he’s feeling in the face of his new responsibilities, so he instead fuels his regret for parenthood in general.
6. ‘They just drain my money’
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Financial stability in a household often plays a huge role in parental regret over having kids. According to a study published in the Child Development Perspectives journal, this uncertainty with money can cause “household chaos,” negatively affecting parental relationships, family dynamics, routines, and mental health.
If a man is constantly bringing up money and grieving the financial freedom he lost after having kids, chances are he secretly regrets having them. Even if it seems like such a small part of the big decision to have kids, especially for people who feel societally pressured into doing so, not having enough money to raise kids comfortably can make the experience feel much more miserable and difficult than it should be.
7. ‘I wish I had your life’
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When talking to childfree couples and friends, “I wish I had your life” is one of the things a man says when he secretly regrets having kids. It’s not a surprise either. Studies show that social comparison, especially in the midst of new parent struggles, often fuels parental regret and turmoil.
So, if your partner is always online or talking to friends and comparing his new life to theirs, chances are he’s still grieving the way things were before having kids.
8. ‘I didn’t know it’d be this hard’
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Many couples enter parenthood without truly wrapping their heads around the commitment, time, and dedication it takes to raise a child. They want a child, feel pressured by family or society to have one, or believe that following traditional expectations is the way to solidify their relationship, but if things aren’t perfect right away, they’re left disappointed and isolated.
Of course, you don’t have to be sure of having kids before you have them, at least, according to experts on “maternal ambivalence,” but you should have a good understanding of what being a parent truly means. If not, you’re likely to turn out like these fathers, who were flustered and unprepared for the stress, time, and sacrifice it takes to be a good parent.
9. ‘I feel like nobody sees me’
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A study published in the Journal of Family Issues found that fathers are often equally at risk of developing postpartum depression (PPD), especially when they feel misunderstood or overlooked by others compared to their partners.
Especially combined with repressed feelings or regrets over parenthood, misguided gender expectations, and a lack of knowledge about PPD, their rates for depression after having kids skyrocket. That’s why “I feel like nobody sees me” or “I’m so lonely” are things a man says when he secretly regrets having kids, even if he’s a great father who truly loves his children.
10. ‘We argue about everything’
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The more kids a couple has, the less likely they are to be satisfied in their relationships or marriages, according to a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family. Not only do partners tend to have less quality time and space for vulnerability alongside the stress and demands of parenthood, but there’s also often a spike in arguments and conflict after having kids.
For men who don’t have a foundation of emotional intelligence, healthy coping skills, or communication strategies to navigate this change in their relationship, they may be more likely to feel regret over becoming a parent entirely.
11. ‘I love them, but…’
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Of course, feeling regret over a decision, even for something as life-altering as having kids, doesn’t mean you’d go back and change it. Just because a father is struggling to deal with his transition into parenthood doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love his kids.
In many cases, it’s not a man’s fault. Society, discourse, and even family conversations often focus on pregnancy and a woman’s transition to motherhood, completely leaving out support, resources, and advice for fathers.
It’s the framework for our misguided patriarchal society that women are expected to not only bear the child, but also care for it and provide emotional support, so of course, they’re the ones being prepared.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
