8 Ways To Avoid The Trap Of Comparing Your Life To Everyone Else's
Comparison culture affects us all, but we can unite against it and change the world.
Eli DeFaria, José Martín Ramírez Carrasco | Unsplash It’s time to get real about a growing, insidious problem that’s linked to depression and other mental health challenges. It’s affecting you, it’s affecting me, and it’s affecting our children: it’s called Comparison Culture.
I'm going to share my own recent experience with it to give a little bit of context as to why I am so committed to talking about the subject — and why I’m so motivated to draw attention to it.
If you haven’t heard of it before, Comparison Culture is a term we're using here at YourTango to mean: "a societal phenomenon in which individuals habitually engage in the practice of constantly measuring themselves, their achievements, possessions, and life situations against those of others."
It’s silent and rarely discussed —and yet, it’s wreaking havoc on all our lives. Turns out, everyone seems to have a Comparison Culture story.
My own Comparison Culture story
I know I’ve felt the devastating impact of Comparison Culture, and I want to tell you about my own recent experience with it.
I was at a Tony Robbins Business Mastery event recently, surrounded by people who were at varying stages of their ventures — from those willing a brilliant idea to descend upon them, to some who have achieved 200-300% growth within a year, and even some serial entrepreneurs who have achieved hundreds of millions of dollars in exits.
Meanwhile, I kept thinking about the publishing business that I founded — the one I’m writing this on now — YourTango.
YourTango is over 15 years old and, based on our revenue and profitability, we are among the 4% of businesses who have been able to survive and compete successfully. 96% of businesses do not achieve what we have achieved. That’s no easy feat!
Nevertheless, our revenue is quite a bit more modest than many other publishing businesses that make the headlines; and while we have done a lot successfully, there are quite a few areas where we have failed to break through.
When I compare ourselves to other businesses, I can't help but feel a magnification of what we have done wrong and how we have failed to achieve an even greater degree of success. We missed a number of opportunities, and, well, when I look at other businesses, I feel we should be bigger and more successful. (Despite being part of the 4%!!)
That was the point where the insidiousness of Comparison Culture ate away at me. And this is where I mess it up for myself; it’s probably where you do, too.
As I listened to the sessions, I was excited and energized by all I was learning and experiencing. But also — sitting there, drinking from a firehose of information, listening to others’ stories of magnificent success — I felt the gut-wrenching sensation of not being enough and not having achieved enough.
I was thinking, “Why didn’t we do these things before? Why is my business not bigger? Why haven’t we reached nine figures yet? We have been in business for 15 years, after all!”
Of course, the deeper thoughts underpinning this were, “Why am I not better? What’s wrong with me?”
My 'keep it real' epiphany
And then my epiphany occurred — because I was able to stop the insidious chatter, be a bit kinder to myself, and get curious.
“Why in the world am I comparing my success or achievements to anyone else’s? Why am I comparing anything about myself to anyone else or their experiences?”
I had a moment of glorious (and obvious!) clarity that burned away the emotional fog that had bubbled up in my mind.
Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”
Jeez. Is that ever an understatement?!
Comparing yourself or comparing anyone you love, especially your kids, to anyone else — out loud or only in your mind — is so destructive. It’s like black hole energy exerting a gravitational force that can completely suck you in, even when you know better.
And it’s not just unhelpful to compare your life to the lives others portray on social media but it’s also foolish and irrational.
Listen, I get it. I’ve done it too! And we’re certainly not alone.
So why do we so easily fall prey to this foolishness? And it is foolishness!
We know how pervasive and destructive this phenomenon is, especially on social media. We know how it causes all sorts of damaging and even deadly outcomes — serious eating disorders, loneliness, depression, anxiety, cutting, and worse.
Waking up to the crushing nature of Comparison Culture
It’s time to stop dehumanizing ourselves by making impossible, foolish, irrational comparisons to other people, other businesses, and other situations — especially on social media! This is such a toxic but common, and even instinctive, pattern.
It hit me like a load of bricks at Business Mastery how ugly and pervasive this feeling is. I haven’t stopped thinking about it since.
So, in thinking about the impact of this in my life, as a mom, as a friend and sibling, and as a business leader, I set out to understand better how pervasive and debilitating it is for others.
Our survey was taken by over 700 people and the results broke our hearts.
Nearly two-thirds (62%) of people indicated that it is super problematic or somewhat problematic in their lives.
Worse yet: 79% of respondents stated that Comparison Culture is super or somewhat problematic in the lives of their kids or others with whom they are close!
Only 38% said it is not problematic in their lives.
And only 21% believe it is not problematic in the lives of those they are close to.
Here’s what some of our respondents said about how Comparison Culture is crushing them:
What can we do?
"Be Yourself. Everyone else is already taken." - Mark Twain
Note: I am not going to tell you how to stop comparing yourself to others. I don't even think that's a reasonable goal.
Instead, I want to emphasize upfront that learning to not get sucked into Comparison Culture is a practice — like yoga, mindfulness, weight lifting, playing an instrument, etc. If I said to you, “Just stop comparing yourself” — ew! That's not enough. It doesn't help.
That would be a big hot dose of toxic positivity. I wouldn’t do that. Because the impulse to compare is normal and natural to a large extent. But in our society, it’s become much more extreme.
Moreover, it is a symptom of sorts. People who are more inclined to feel “less-than” or suffer from insecurities are more likely to compare themselves in hurtful ways so my recommendations are meant to address the symptoms of comparing, yes, and ideally help get to the root cause.
8 Everyday Ways We Can All Combat Comparison Culture
1. Notice!
You can neutralize the sting of comparing yourself to a small or large extent by noticing when you’re comparing yourself to someone else or your situation to another situation.
Notice and be curious about what’s going on. This can be a deceptively powerful step.
Notice that I am not saying ignore it? Many wise teachers will remind us seekers that there’s no way around “it” — only through it! In other words, that feeling of not being enough, of not being good enough, of failing to really love and appreciate ourselves is at the heart of this phenomenon when it becomes dangerous.
2. Recall you’re not alone in this pervasive phenomenon.
I’d even argue that we are primed to compare ourselves. Sure, can comparing be healthy and stimulating? Sometimes, yes. But in this context, we’re talking about comparing that is unhealthy and even dehumanizing.
I want you to reflect: I am not alone in what I am doing to myself right now.
3. Remember that whatever glitters isn’t necessarily gold and consider the big picture that you have no idea about.
In other words, you may see some extraordinary accomplishments occurring out there but the price someone has paid to achieve them is not what you would want to pay!
In my life, I have achieved a successful business and am among the 4%. However, I gotta be honest. I angst at times over what I have forsaken to achieve this success. I have missed many vacations, family reunions, weddings, girls' weekends, and other social gatherings. I didn’t take a honeymoon nor did I take maternity leave with either child. And on and on.
So, someone looking at my success may feel envious — but I urge them to look at the big picture and consider what I have given up.
That's why I'm pledging to #KeepItReal in 2024.
I feel it's vital it is to make an effort to be more authentic on social media. And I hope you will do the same.
We've created a pledge you can sign so you can join us in sharing more truth, and more vulnerability, along with your best moments.
4. Turn your jealousy into positivity.
When I'm feeling jealous or worried that someone else is better in some way — having more fun, achieving more success, or anything else — often I will say: “That’s for me!”
It may sound funny at first, but it's a way of attracting what I want, instead of being jealous of what someone else has. Then, I will send loving kindness and gratitude toward that person or situation.
Yes, for real. Be grateful, they are showing you what is possible!
This is a power move. Again, deceptively powerful. It can shift you from a feeling of scarcity and fear to abundance and gratitude. This is at the heart of this practice. Go from scarcity to abundance.
If you believe in the power of manifestation, you know what I’m talking about! Boom.
5. Think different!
No, I’m not referring to the grammatically incorrect exhortation from Apple.
I am urging you to think of the totality of your life more as a piece of art — where there’s infinite room to be creative, and beautiful, where the dark spaces offer contrast and definition, and where we find comfort in our shared humanity even when — than to think of life as a competitive sport — where, by definition, there’s a winner and a loser.
My colleague Joanna offered up a version of this when her teenage sons are feeling badly as they compare themselves. She simply reminds them that what they’re doing is different — not better — not worse — just different. What a wonderful neutralizing agent!
6. Take action. Take action. Take action.
What can you do to close the gap (perceived or real?!)
As Dr. Andrew Huberman from Stanford University and other amazing researchers and teachers preach, the antidote to difficult feelings is action. It starts with changing your behavior. When you’re uncomfortable comparing yourself and coming up short, going for a walk, hike or run is one of the best ways to shift your state of being. Physical movement is underestimated in its ability to shift your mood and perceptions.
The other action you can take is to close the gap around the thing itself. If you want to have more fun or be more successful or whatever it is, have a sincere conversation with yourself about whether this thing that has rankled you is truly a priority and important to you — or determine whether you are just being kind of a jerk to yourself.
Let’s be honest about how often we are our own worst critics and genuinely unkind to ourselves. If you find that you care about this thing, then resolve to close the gap!
What is one action you can take now to achieve it?
RELATED: You Were Born To Live A Life You Love, Not To Be Perfect
7. Dial up your gratitude practice — not just when you’re feeling the sting of Comparison Culture, but every day.
Ok, some of you read this and will think “puke.” But, c’mon. There’s so much amazing research on the transformative power of gratitude.
When you feel genuinely grateful, it’s tough to simultaneously feel the scarcity/fear/doubt that Comparison Culture engenders. When you’re feeling the icky feeling of jealousy, please try the following:
Do a few rounds of box breathing or do some somatic movement.
For one minute, put your hands on your heart and think in detail about something you’re grateful for. It could be something big or small, lasting or fleeting. Repeat this two more times, (i.e. do your calming breaths then take three minutes to reflect gratefully on three different things or people in your life.)
You could also take your gratitude practice to your journal and write for a few minutes every day about what you’re grateful for — and ideally reflect on these things from time to time every day.
8. Let’s get radically authentic!
When my team and I chatted about Comparison Culture, one of them emphasized a technique she practices — one that has had a moment or two in social media and that’s to really practice being radically authentic.
I know the term authentic now elicits eye-rolls among some as being overplayed but you know, it’s Not. At. All. Overplayed, that is.
Isn’t this our ultimate goal? To truly be ourselves — to like and love ourselves as we are? Isn’t that the portal to true personal freedom?
As someone who’s been on a many-decades-long personal journey, I am down for much more freeing myself! It takes real courage and wisdom to be fully and truly who you are vs. comparing yourself to others and feeling that you don’t quite measure up.
Being who we truly are is the ultimate power move
To be truly who we are — imperfections, flaws, failures, and all - is truly the greatest gift we can give ourselves — and to all those people whose lives we touch. It is the ultimate power move. It is the ultimate act of self-advocacy and self-care.
I know it’s much easier said than done.
I am committed to a practice where I embrace who I am in my entirety — and yes, I will notice others doing fun, amazing things, others who are killing it way more than I am, but I will endeavor to notice those things with a full, grateful heart, happy for their success and grateful for the motivation and reminder of what’s possible!
How about you?
Andrea Miller is the founder and CEO of YourTango; host of the podcast “Open Relationships: Transforming Together;” and award-winning author of Radical Acceptance, The Secret to Happy, Lasting Love. She has been featured frequently in the media, including on The Today Show, The Early Show, CNN, E!, Fox News, ABC, and radio stations across the U.S.