Having This Many Kids Is The Least Stressful, According To Research
Science has revealed the perfect family size for a lower-stress life.
Evgeny Atamanenko | Shutterstock A big family with five or more kids is no longer a thing. It's just not financially feasible for most parents. That doesn't necessarily mean that having fewer kids results in less stress, however. Parenting is hard, no matter which way you slice it. And yeah, having more money does make some aspects of raising kids a lot easier, but it doesn't mean it's less stressful.
Technically, the only number of kids that guarantees zero parental stress is, literally, zero kids. Research, however, has found that there is a certain family size that hits the sweet spot for most parents when it comes to manageable worries. If I were a gambler, I'd bet on less is more, and that is precisely why I'm not a betting woman. This number just might surprise you, too.
A survey found that the ideal number of kids for the least stressful life is 4.
According to a 2013 survey of 7,000 U.S. mothers conducted by TODAY, mothers who have three kids are pretty stressed, but mothers of four kids have lower stress levels. They're calling it "The Duggar Effect."
That doesn't sound right. What's going on? Dr. Janet Taylor is a psychiatrist and mother of four, and she wasn't surprised by the survey's findings at all. "There's just not enough space in your head," explained Dr. Taylor. "It just gets to be survival mode."
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Once you hit 4 kids parents stop worrying about perfection, which is a primary cause of stress for moms in particular.
The same survey found that a lot of the stress that weighs down mothers is from wanting to be perfect. A whopping 75% of mothers report being stressed from the pressure they put on themselves to be perfect and avoid judgment from others.
How stressed are mothers today? On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the most stressed, the average mom in the survey put herself at 8.5. In a briefing paper prepared for the Council on Contemporary Families, written by Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan, Department of Psychology, The Ohio State University, she explained that the need for perfection and the guilt that follows most women when they can't achieve it is a relatively new concept and is actually a contributor to lower birth rates.
She wrote, "Mothers didn’t always feel this perfectionist pressure. In the 1960s, for example, when far fewer mothers worked outside the home, mothers spent about half as much time in direct interaction with their children as mothers do today." She went on to say, "Yet, since the last decade of the 20th century, even as mothers entered the workforce in greater numbers and for greater numbers of hours, norms for mothering evolved toward an 'intensive mothering' ideal. This norm dictates that mothers’ parenting should be time-consuming, emotionally absorbing, and guided by expert advice."
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The problem with striving for this intensive mothering ideal is that it inevitably backfires and actually makes their parenting worse, creating an endless loop of stress and failed attempts at perfection. Then the guilt usually sets in. Schoppe-Sullivan noted, "In seeking perfection in parenting, parents are less likely to actually parent effectively. Worrying about what others think of their parenting saps mothers’ confidence, leading them to experience parenting as less enjoyable and more stressful. When faced with inevitable parenting challenges, mothers with lower confidence and more parenting stress give up more quickly."
Adding to that unattainable perfection are financial issues, balancing a full-time job, and household chores. You've got moms who are just burned out.
Being stressed actually stresses moms out.
Remember that cycle of failed perfection leading to an endless loop of failure and stress? Well, that's exactly why 72% of moms stress about how stressed they are. Sixty percent say a lack of time to do everything that needs to get done is their biggest worry, and to add insult to injury, nine out of 10 moms said they were stressed about staying fit and attractive.
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While it seems counterintuitive that adding more kids to a brood would eliminate some of this needless worry, when you think about it, it makes a whole lot more sense. Moms with more kids have literally no time to strive for perfection. Their goal is simply to get everyone through the day in one piece. Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but you get my drift. There's no time to intensively mother each child into having an exceptional childhood experience, and in not having the time to do it, they are giving their kids the gift of a mom who feels less guilty and more confident. In short, when moms stop trying to be perfect parents, they actually become better parents.
"The more children you have, the more confident you become in your parenting abilities," Dr. Taylor wisely explained. Adding, "You have to let go ... and then you're just thankful when they all get to school on time."
Nicole Weaver is a senior writer for Showbiz Cheat Sheet whose work has been featured in New York Magazine, Teen Vogue, and more.
