Kids Who Grew Up In Households Where Emotions Were Never Discussed Often Develop These 4 Coping Patterns As Adults
Katia Damyan | Canva A psychotherapist named Stephanie utilizes her TikTok platform as a place for people to learn more about their attachment styles. In her bio, she offers the caveat that “TikTok is not therapy,” yet her posts offer an entry point for people to educate themselves on the ways they interact with others.
In one particular post, she poses the question, “How did your family communicate?” She shows that the ways we learn to communicate as children affect how we interact in our adult relationships. The post reveals the different signs you grew up in a household that never discussed emotions, which often emerge as coping patterns in adulthood.
Kids who grew up in households where emotions were never discussed often develop these 4 coping patterns as adults:
1. Kids who grew up in households where emotions were never discussed withhold or withdraw affection
In the text overlaid on her TikTok post, Stephanie explains, “If we grew up with parents who didn’t openly express their feelings and used silence as a way to cope with conflict, we might use silence as a way to communicate that we are upset, relying on the coping skill we know best.”
This could play out as removing oneself from conflict, either by withdrawing physically or emotionally. Some people tend to shut down when faced with difficult emotions because they didn’t learn that it’s OK to feel big emotions, and their only coping mechanism for hard feelings is to shut down or shut off.
Life coach Mitzi Bockmann recalled, "I remember a client of mine who used to withhold intimacy, hoping her partner would miss her and he would start to appreciate her if they were no longer intimate. Another client stopped hugging and kissing his wife, knowing her love language was physical touch and the worst possible thing he could do to her was not to touch her."
2. Kids who grew up in households where emotions were never discussed rage clean when they feel unappreciated
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In moments of conflict, some people want to feel a semblance of control over their environment. Instead of pouring their emotions into a difficult conversation, one that looks at the roots of why they’re feeling a certain way, they will empty their energy into cleaning, as a way to channel their anger into something deemed “productive.”
While the dishes may get cleaned, this is an avoidant strategy, a way to work around having to talk about what’s really bothering you. Research helped explain how avoidant strategies are often developed as a coping mechanism in childhood, which affects adult relationship attachment and can lead to insecurity in close relationships.
3. Kids who grew up in households where emotions were never discussed use passive-aggressive body language
Expressing our emotions is never easy, especially when those emotions feel bigger than us, like anger, disappointment, or hurt. It often seems easier to show how we feel than to say it out loud, which leads to passive-aggressive body language. This is another example of avoidant behavior. Instead of speaking our emotions, we’re holding them in our bodies and hoping someone else will notice.
Couples counselor Teresa Maples-Zuvela elaborated, "As children, you may have gotten the message that it's not OK to express your emotions or even to feel them deeply. Validating feelings helps a person to trust their own emotions, as well as listening and repeating back your partner's feelings in your own words, expressing that you understood what you heard, and asking your partner if they want advice or ideas for problem-solving. Be ready for them to say no."
4. Kids who grew up in households where emotions were never discussed struggle to accept help and and make a point to do things for themselves
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Not knowing how to express our emotions can lead us to isolate ourselves, when really what we need is to turn to those we love and ask for support. A study from the American Psychological Association helped explain why it can be challenging for anxious children to express emotions, which can continue and expand in adulthood. So, it takes practice to realize our own feelings, and then even more practice to ask for help when we need it.
Stephanie’s post resonated deeply with many of her followers. People in the comments expressed how they recognized their own patterns of behavior and wondered how to change. Stephanie made a note in the comments section, touching on how not talking about our feelings openly can lead to negative patterning. She said, “Many of us were sent to our rooms to deal with big emotions that we didn’t understand. So now we isolate and hide when we feel we are too much.”
She also mentioned the necessity of honoring and listening to our inner child as a path toward healing the wounds we carry from our childhood into our adult relationships. She stated, “We can stop telling her to stay quiet, stop forcing her to hide. We can feel and express it.”
There’s inherent value in voicing how we feel; doing so allows difficult feelings to exit our bodies, and we feel lighter as a result. No healing process is instantaneous, yet the power of Stephanie’s list shows that recognizing the ways we act is the first step toward making positive change.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis, and all things to do with the entertainment industry.
