11 Odd Behaviors You'll Notice In Someone Who Had Bad Parents
TheVisualsYouNeed | Shutterstock While positive childhood experiences and healthy relationships with parents can be "protective" later in life for adult children, according to a study from Pediatrics, unmet needs and bad parents can have a lot of influence over their later relationships, mental health, and well-being. From struggling with insecure attachment styles to grappling with chronic low self-esteem, people with bad parents have a lot of healing to do to set themselves up for success.
Even emotional development — things like practicing self-awareness and emotional regulation — suffers when parents use harsh discipline or spend most of their time out of the house. Kids lack the space, warmth, and intentionality of good parents, and instead adopt defense mechanisms to protect their energy. In adulthood, there are a few odd behaviors you'll notice in someone who had bad parents, and while it can be a challenge, there's always room for them to change the narrative.
Here are 11 odd behaviors you'll notice in someone who had bad parents
1. They get defensive with feedback and criticism
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
While accepting feedback and constructive criticism is uncomfortable for most people, according to psychology researcher Dr. Rob Nash, for adult children who had bad parents and are used to protecting the narrative and their self-image at home, it's especially offensive. Whether it's low self-esteem or a need for control, they believe feedback is a personal offense on their character, rather than a space to grow.
Especially if they've spent most of their childhood seeking out comfort and trying to avoid any complex challenges, as a result of their parents' involvement, these conversations don't feel like opportunities. They don't want to lean into challenges or put their control over their lives at risk to change, because it feels dysregulating and scary.
2. They worry about being a burden
Children who have been socialized to believe they're a "burden" for asking for the bare minimum from their parents grow into adults who constantly worry about being "too much." Whether it's a symptom of their chronic anxiety and worry, as a study from Aging & Mental Health suggests, or a desire to "protect the peace" to avoid conflict, it's one of the odd behaviors you'll notice in someone who had bad parents.
They have a tendency to take responsibility for things that aren't their fault or over-apologize at the expense of their relationships, all to self-soothe the inner turmoil they feel having attention or frustrations in their world.
3. They continue cycles of toxic relationships
Our parents often influence the romantic relationships we seek out as adults — they were the people who defined love, affection, and respect for us as kids, so of course it changes the way we tolerate certain behaviors and act in our own connections. That's why people with bad parents sometimes fall into a cycle of toxic relationships later in life.
They're simply following a pattern, but on a more nuanced level, subconsciously seeking relationships that feel safe — that they know how to navigate and handle. If their parents didn't give them a lot of good attention and often held them to unrealistic expectations, they, at the very least, know how to handle this kind of "love," so seeking it out feels safer than something more secure that they could lose.
4. They feel guilty doing nothing
For people whose worth has been inherently tied to their work or productivity, they can feel a lot of guilt when they try to take a break or make space for rest. People who had bad parents often feel this way, because they were expected to do everything from household chores to protecting the emotional peace at home, often without any kind of support, so, of course, their basic rest and relaxation wasn't a priority.
In some cases, they might not feel safe to rest in their home, either. So, not the simple feeling of rest and quietness is entirely unregulated and scary.
5. They always expect the worst
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
People who are used to catastrophizing and expecting the worst usually adopted these behaviors out of survival earlier in life. They were expected to be prepared for everything and to always have the tools to protect the peace at home, so they had to be ready for the worst — whether it was a parent's mood, conflict, or tension at home.
According to clinical psychologist Fabiana Franco, early life trauma can rewire the brain to expect danger and constantly prompt fear. It's essentially an immediate "fight or flight" response that lingers in the brains and nervous systems of people who are used to the worst case scenario. So, if you notice someone constantly living on edge or always bringing up the "negative" in a collaborative conversation, chances are they had a bad childhood or bad parents who forced them to think that way.
6. They struggle with trust
Whether it's a trust in themselves to make the right decisions or a general distrust for other people in their adult lives, this struggle with trusting people and accepting someone's presence in their lives are odd behavior you'll notice in someone who had bad parents.
According to a 2021 study, distrust is often associated with childhood trauma and mistreatment earlier in life. Kids who can't trust the people who are supposed to be there for them, more than anyone else in their world, learn to be distrusting by nature. Of course, as adults, their lack of commitment can be due to this distrust, but it can also be tied to a need for control that they didn't have earlier in life.
7. They tend to blame themselves
During heated conversations and conflict, people with bad parents may fall into the pattern of always blaming themselves, even when they're not at fault. They'd prefer to protect the peace and resolve the conflict on a superficial level than continue dealing with the anxiety and fear these kinds of interactions prompt.
A study from the Journal of Child & Adolescent Trauma argues this trend is largely associated with unmet needs and childhood neglect. People with bad parents who were either physically or emotionally distant are more likely to blame themselves for issues in their lives. Usually, this is a stress response — to cope with inner feelings of anxiety, they blame themselves to shut down the source of their discomfort.
8. They struggle to name and express their feelings
Emotional dysregulation and childhood trauma are inherently linked, according to a study from Harvard Review of Psychiatry. These kids struggle to name their emotions and express them because they never had a safe space to practice these skills. They were taught to put their needs constantly aside and to suppress their complex emotions to the point where it became second nature.
This is where many people with childhood trauma develop people-pleasing behaviors and low self-esteem. They've been taught that their needs and feelings are less important than those of others, so they suppress them to make space for others.
9. They're hyper-independent
GBJSTOCK | Shutterstock
According to relationship coach Annie Tanasugarn, independence can often be a trauma response for people who grew up with bad parents and childhood trauma. They grew up having little power in their lives and yearned for a sense of control that they now have the space to grasp as adults.
So, now, commitment, trust, emotional vulnerability, and healthy relationships feel scary — like a subconscious threat to the control they now have over their lives. So, if you notice someone pulling away or pushing healthy relationships out of their lives, those could be some of the odd behaviors of someone who had bad parents.
10. They expect people to disappoint them
Alongside expecting the worst in every situation, people with bad parents are usually expecting people to leave or disappoint them. They were taught to be distrustful and skeptical of the people who were supposed to be there for them against all odds, so of course pessimism is their second nature.
Whether it's in romantic relationships or at work, they're always pushing themselves into a chronically anxious and fearful state by expecting the worst from everyone around them.
11. They use humor to downplay their emotions
Many people who use humor often aren't just trying to relieve the tension of conflict — they may be compensating for expressing emotions that they aren't sure how to name, verbalize, or share. Considering they didn't have a safe space at home to feel their emotions and seek support, they had to learn how to cope in their own way, even if it was misguided and unhealthy.
So, if you notice someone joking around in serious conversations or replacing vulnerability with humor, those are some of the odd behaviors in someone who might have had bad parents.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
