Parents Who Use These 12 Phrases To Control Their Adult Kids Often End Up Pushing Them Away For Good
Kyle Lee | Shutterstock Relationships between parents and their adult kids are anything but simple. Conflicts carry over from childhood, especially when parents repeat harmful patterns and make generalizations about their adult kids. Too often, parents use phrases to control their adult kids, and often end up pushing them away for good as a result.
An adult child who chooses to go no-contact with their parents usually has a good reason, even if their parents don't want to see it. While there is little long-term research into how cutting ties with parents affects adult kids in the long-run, many who have done it say the emotional and physical distance that going no-contact gives them space to heal.
Parents who use these 12 phrases to control their adult kids often end up pushing them away for good
1. ‘You could find a steady job if you really wanted to'
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Most parents want the best for their adult kids, but sometimes, their best intentions go out the window when the pressure is on. Parents who continually ask their adult kids why they can’t find steady work aren’t being as supportive as they think, and the question can push their adult kids away for good. Often, this question has less to do with what's best for their adult kid, and more about wanting to control their child's life.
First, it assumes their kid isn't working hard. Second, it assumes everything is the same for Gen Z as it was when the parent was young. In reality, the job market for Gen Z is way more unstable than it was when their Boomer and Gen X parents found their first jobs. Parents who insist the problem is the kid and not the economy often demonstrate a lack of awareness of how hard it really is to find work.
To keep an adult kid close, parents should try to balance loving pressure with being a safe place for their kids to talk about their feelings and challenges. We all want our parents to show unconditional love, and with adult kids that often means keeping your opinions to yourself until you've considered how to state them kindly and in a helpful manner.
2. ‘You need to get over it’
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When you hear stories of how adult kids ended up going no contact with a parent, the phrase, "You need to get over it," is often at the core of how the kid was pushed away for good. At its core, this phrase is dismissive and unsupportive, especially for someone who’s trying to heal from childhood trauma or emotional neglect.
A panel of experts tackled the challenging topic of why parents dismiss their adult children’s feelings. Marriage and family therapist Mary Kay Cocharo explained that many parents struggle when their kids bring up negative emotions, so they shut their kids down rather than deal with their feelings of shame and remorse directly.
“It's difficult for a parent to hear that some childhood experiences were hurtful or traumatic for their children,” Cocharo shared. “Many parents have ‘rewritten’ family history to make it fit the success narrative and reduce any perceivable dysfunction. If a parent has done this, they might seek to suppress or dismiss their adult child's emotions.”
Clinical psychologist Dr. Susan Pazak noted, "Parents often have difficulties admitting their actions, words, or parenting style may have not been effective or, even worse, caused harm.”
All healthy, adult relationships require accountability, and the phrase "you need to get over it" is about as far from accountability as a parent can get
3. 'When are you giving me grandkids?’
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“When are you giving me grandkids?” is another phrase parents say that can drive their adult kids away. While parents might ask this question in a well-meaning or light-hearted way, adult kids tend to hear it as criticism. They internalize the belief that their parents are disappointed in them and don’t accept them for who they are at this exact moment.
By asking when their adult kids plan to have kids, parents put unnecessary pressure on their kids to make a deeply personal decision. Most of the time, asking about grandkids feels invasive.
Worse, it can make their adult child feel like they alone are not good enough, as if their value only lies in being a grandbaby-making machine. Coming from your own parent, this can be understandably very hurtful and end up pushing their kids away for good.
4. ‘I never thought you’d turn out like this’
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The phrase “I never thought you’d turn out like this” is incredibly hurtful, through and through. It's no wonder that parents who say this to control their adult kids end up pushing them away for good.
Parents who say this phrase essentially send the message that they don’t accept their adult kids for who they are. The phrase highlights how parents would rather their adult children fit into a preconceived and rigidly defined idea of who they “should” be without recognizing who they really are. Worse, it implies the parent knows better how to be the unique person their child was destined to be.
According to a 2015 research study on parental estrangement, adult children frequently attributed being estranged to their parents’ toxic behavior and feeling like their parents didn’t support or accept them.
The researchers note that “the ability to understand, attend to, and confirm others’ perspectives is positively associated with family satisfaction, cohesion, adaptability, and perceptions of family support.” When parents are unable or unwilling to see from their adult kids’ perspective, they risk driving their adult kids away for good.
5. ‘You’re so ungrateful’
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Parents who focus on how grateful their kids should be often end up stuck in the past, focused on what they believe they should get back from their own children rather than how they can support them. They often have a tendency to weaponize the support they’ve provided in the past, holding it as leverage for their adult children to behave according to their expectations. This is a highly effective way to push your adult kids away for good.
A study from the Centre for Family Research at the University of Cambridge involving a survey of 807 individuals set out to examine the psychological consequences of being estranged. The top reasons that participants reported for why they were estranged from their family members were emotional abuse, mismatched expectations about family roles and relationships, and a clash of personalities or values.
While estrangement isn’t easy, the study found that many participants found it healing. About 80% reported having positive experiences in estrangement, such as feeling greater freedom and independence.
This evidence flies in the face of parents who believe that their children owe them life-long devotion, as if they cannot live without their parents, even as grown adults. In reality, pushing your adult kids too far may eventually mean they choose estrangement simply so they can start feeling good about themselves. And who can blame them for that?
6. ‘I gave up so much for you’
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When parents say the phrase, “I gave up so much for you,” it can make their adult kids feel like their parents think giving birth to them and raising them wasn't worth it. With this emotional impact in mind, it's no surprise this phrase often ends up pushing their adult kids away for good.
The phrase reinforces the idea that kids owe their parents affection and attention. Worse, it makes them feel like they have to conform to every expectation of their parents to simply justify having been born. It is a twisted version of familial love, one that can leave lasting scars.
It also tends to cause guilt and obligation, making their kids feel indebted to their parents in ways they truly could never repay. While any parent would love to hear their adult kids say "thank you" for all of their sacrifices, it was the parent's choice to become a parent and no "thank you" is required.
However, when they take responsibility for choosing to become a parent and accepting that sacrifice is part of the deal, they can show the kind of love that an adult child is more likely to appreciate.
7. ‘I know what's best for you’
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Another phrase parents use to control adult kids is, “I know what’s best for you.” This phrase can undermine an adult child’s sense of independence while making them feel beholden to their parents’ opinions about their lives.
Psychologist Aline Zoldbrod notes that children need to establish emotional distance from their parents to develop their perspectives and personalities. This is a normal and healthy stage of development.
“Adult children have their views on life, their ways of doing things, their own choices in career, life partners, [and] styles of childrearing,” Zoldbrod explains. “This can be a difficult transition for parents. If parents try to impose their views, beliefs, and opinions on adult children, those adult children can become alienated and frustrated and will cut back on spending time with parents.”
“When parents accept adult children's ways of doing things, these kinds of breaches can be healed,” Zoldbrod concluded. If not, parents risk pushing them away for good.
8. ‘Why can’t you be more like your sibling?’
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Comparing adult kids to their siblings is one of the most damaging things a parent can do to their relationship with their children. Even if a parent doesn’t see the harm in comparison, it inevitably does cause harm, leading adult kids to feel resentful while reducing their self-worth.
Therapist Dr. Gloria Brame shares that nonstop criticism and comparison are common reasons why adult children choose to have no contact with their parents.
“Constant criticism, frequent comparisons to their more conformist siblings, and efforts to control their choices will drive adult children away,” she explained, noting that the sheer act of comparing makes adult kids feel “diminished and unloved.”
The most important thing a parent of more than one child can do is accept that their children are autonomous human beings. They are separate from their parents and separate from their siblings, and that is how they were designed to be. If a parent of adult kids cannot accept that, they're likely to push their kids away for good.
9. ‘That's not how we raised you’
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When parents say the phrase, “That’s not how we raised you,” it shows their adult kids that they aren't seen or accepted for who they are. The phrase indicates that parents are disappointed in their adult kids and refuse to acknowledge them as individuals who are allowed to make their own choices, and that's why this phrase often ends up pushing adult kids away.
Adult kids often react to this phrase by becoming defensive, and they frequently decide to put distance between themselves and their parents. Until parents change their perspective and adopt a more accepting attitude, adult kids usually won’t feel the sense of safety they need to re-establish contact with their parents.
Of course there are times when an adult child is making very serious mistakes or poor choices, when parents need to have a conversation with them. Joanna Schroeder, author of Talk to Your Boys: 16 Conversations to Help Tweens and Teens Grow into Confident, Caring Young Men insists this can be done without adding shame.
"Instead of admonishing them with a blanket statement, be specific about your concerns and how you believe they are misaligned with your family's values," she explains. "Start with empathy, share your specific concerns, and make it clear that your feedback comes from love. Then, most importantly, listen to your adult kids and hear them out. Maybe the situation isn't what you see on the surface."
10. ‘If you really loved me, you would’
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Parents who use the phrase “If you loved me, you would” to try and control their adult kids often end up pushing them away for good, especially when their children have healthy boundaries and aren't willing to fall for blatant attempts at manipulation.
This phrase is a prime example of guilt-tripping, which therapist Sarah Epstein notes rarely has the intended outcome that a parent wants. Guilt-tripping might influence an adult child’s behavior in the short term, but in the long run, extensive guilt-tripping leads to resentment, which can push adult kids away rather than bring them closer.
Building a relationship around a foundation of guilt makes that relationship inherently imbalanced and insecure. Guilt-tripping is a form of emotional manipulation that can diminish trust between an adult child and their parents and keep them from showing up in a fully emotionally present capacity.
11. ‘You owe me respect’
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Parents who demand respect from their adult children can push them away for good. Despite how it seems, saying “You owe me respect” usually leads to losing respect. The phrase denies an adult child the agency they deserve in deciding how they want to show up in their relationship with their parents. It also overlooks the fact that respect is something that’s earned, not demanded.
Respect is a two-way street that requires trust and care. This is especially true with adolescent and adult kids, as they are smart enough to know when someone is listening to them and showing them real respect.
But kids of any age will struggle to show respect for a parent who tries to rule with an iron fist rather than by earning authority. This isn't just a theory, it reflects decades of research into parenting styles. Authoritative parents earn their kids' respect by providing structure and consistency.
In contrast, parents who are Authoritarian often have children who are less successful, because they've been controlled and given very little autonomy. They rule with fear rather than inspiration and support, which sets the stage for phrases like "you owe men respect' pushing adult kids away for good.
12. ‘We gave you everything and this is how you thank us?’
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Saying the phrase “We gave you everything, and this is how you thank us” is the kind of unkind, guilt-laden statement that pushes adult kids away for good. This phrase is peak emotional manipulation, as it keeps an adult child captive to their parent’s expectations.
Using this phrase almost always creates a sense of resentment, which can lead an adult child to put physical or emotional distance between their parents and themselves. After all, that kind of manipulation isn't healthy for anyone, and an adult child is under no obligation to maintain a relationship with someone who chooses to be so unkind.
Parents who use phrases like this imply that their love is conditional. Parents who support their kids unconditionally don’t force them to be anyone other than their most authentic selves. Yes, they may set high expectations for their children, but they don't enforce that by being unkind.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis, and the entertainment industry in general.
