If You Notice These 11 Things When You Visit Your Parents, They're Having A Hard Time Right Now
They fear being a burden to their kids, so it's no surprise the red flags go unnoticed.
Chay_Tee | Shutterstock Many older parents dealing with disconnection from their adult children struggle with coping, especially alongside the loneliness, physical health struggles, and life changes that come from getting older. However, there are a few things — from family photos inside to changes in decor — that can be “red flags” they’re struggling to cope. If you notice these things when you visit your parents, they’re having a hard time right now.
Even if it’s difficult to find time to go over to your parents or you’re dealing with intense struggles of your own, try to carve out time. Not only does the social support and bonding of family often provide benefits for our own personal well-being, but it also gives them a foundation of support to embrace and heal from their own internal struggles they may hide in other parts of their lives.
If you notice these 11 things when you visit your parents, they’re having a hard time right now
1. They’ve stopped decorating like they used to
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Whether it’s holiday decorations, like putting up a Christmas tree for the holidays, or putting effort into standard decorations that offer a “homey” vibe in their space, if you notice your parents have stopped decorating like they used to, it could be a sign that they’re having a hard time right now.
From struggling with executive functioning as a result of depressive symptoms to finding it hard to manage the physical labor aspect of decorating for the holidays, there are many reasons why an aging parent may be less inclined to decorate. But these are the parts of our homes that often craft a welcoming vibe, offering a safe space for people to connect, unwind, and relax.
2. It’s clear that nobody is visiting
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From an empty fridge to a clearly unused guest bedroom, if you notice that nobody is visiting your parents when you go over to their home, they could be having a hard time right now. Friendships, social support, and visits from loved ones are things we often take for granted when we’re living busy lives, but the older we get, the more important and influential they become.
Like a 2022 study explains, as parents get older and start dealing with more struggles, from empty nest syndrome to life changes, social support becomes more grounding and important. It provides a safe space for people to voice concerns, seek out advice, and boost their mental health.
But if they’re struggling with all of these things alone and nobody is coming over, chances are they’re thrown into a cycle of isolation and loneliness.
3. They reference the past more than the present
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Despite being perceived as a wholly biological process, aging is just as much a cognitive and mental experience, with mindset truly playing a role in the psychological and physical experiences of aging. If you’re living in a state of constant stress, insecurity, and fear about aging, you’re more likely to struggle with the negative outcomes, like social isolation, that come from that mindset.
However, if your parents are going through a hard time right now and struggling with the inevitability of getting older, they may be clinging to the past. They’re always talking about the past, your childhood, or old memories, even more so than they’re talking about what’s going on in their lives now.
Especially if they don’t have a healthy routine, goals for the future, or healthy hobbies to rely on in the present moment, chances are they’re clinging to an older version of themselves and their lives that no longer serve them.
4. Their chores are piling up
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Dirty dishes piling up in the sink, piles of laundry around the house, dying plants, clutter — these could all be signs that your parents are having a hard time right now. Especially when mental illness goes unrecognized and older individuals are stuck trying to cope without direction, struggling with these tangible chores and tasks can be one of the first signs.
Of course, cleaning and de-cluttering often provide space for us to cope with our emotions and internal struggles. But living in a state of disarray with tons of visual clutter can often push us farther into an isolated position.
5. Their TV is always on
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Many people use background TV noise and sounds from random devices at home to cope with their feelings of loneliness, according to a study from the Gerontologist, especially as they get older. When nobody is coming over to visit and they’re dealing with a lot of limitations that keep them in the house, hearing noise or sleeping with the TV on in another room can be comforting.
Ironically, it’s actively watching TV that can sometimes promote better psychological and cognitive outcomes in aging individuals, while passive watching and listening sometimes do exactly the opposite. So, if you notice these things when you visit your parents, it’s not just a bad habit that can lead to more internal anxiety and stress, but also likely a sign that they’re having a rough time right now.
6. They forget small things
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While there are certainly natural changes in memory for aging individuals over time, if they’re regularly forgetting things — like shutting a cabinet in their kitchen or missing commitments at home — it could also be a sign that they’re going through a hard time right now.
Maybe they have sticky notes around the home in unsuspecting places, or they’re always relying on phone reminders for basic tasks — things that can be innocent in some situations, but clear “red flags” in others, depending on your parent.
Studies also show that chronic stress levels can negatively affect memory over time, so if you notice your parents are growing more forgetful or forgetting small details when you visit them at home, it could be a sign that they’re dealing with a lot of internal turmoil regularly.
7. They linger in the doorway when you leave
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If your parents are solemnly lingering in the doorway or in the driveway when you leave, soaking up your presence at home as long as they possibly can, that could be a sign that they’re having a hard time right now. Loneliness can often erupt and manifest in uncertain and unsuspecting ways, but for an adult child, noticing it in their parents doesn’t have to be complex.
Their mood has shifted — they are always begging you to come over and stay longer, or maybe, they’re simply lingering in the doorway. Still, they can be small, yet obvious, signs.
8. They downplay their struggles
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Whether it’s minimizing the importance of a random doctor’s appointment on their calendar or justifying their signs of mental health concerns when you come over, if you notice these things when you visit your parents, they’re having a hard time right now. Not only are they invalidating their own struggles on a fundamental level, but they’re also missing out on the support that their adult children are yearning to provide.
Many parents still carry the fear of being a burden to their kids, trying to protect them from their own struggles, even if it sparks more resentment and disconnection than they realize.
9. They don’t have a lot of food
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Many people lose the majority of their appetite as they get older, according to experts from UCLA Health, but if your parents aren’t eating at home, that could also be a sign that they’re struggling on another level. From struggling with physical health concerns to mental health struggles like depression, if you notice your parents have an empty fridge, that could explain their lack of energy or their well-being.
Supporting a parent in this situation starts with communication. No matter how much they minimize their issues, go out of your way to support them. Take them out to dinner. Drop off groceries. Stop by more often.
10. All their family photos are old
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If a parent only has old family photos around their home, they could be feeling lonely and isolated in their everyday life. Especially if nobody is coming over to visit or they’re staying inside more than they’re going out, chances are they simply don’t have the photos to replace or add to them.
It’s a subtle and simple red flag for adult children to notice, but it could still be a sign that they’re missing out on the social support and quality time they need to thrive.
11. They’re overly fixated on small household issues
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Whether it’s a leaking pipe or a random piece of their home decor, if you notice that your parents are overly fixated on small household issues when you visit, they could be disguising bigger issues. Even if it’s entirely subconscious, we often latch onto small, approachable issues to cope with larger psychological or internal issues.
It’s a means for seeking control and finding a sense of stability, even when everything else in life seems difficult. Especially for older individuals who are dealing with ingrained mental health stigmas preventing them from seeking help, this could be an unsuspecting means for them to cope.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
