If You Notice These 11 Things In Your Parents' House, They're Not Doing As Well As They Pretend
They need your support more than you realize.
Pormezz | Shutterstock As people grow older, they also tend to struggle more with social isolation and feelings of loneliness, according to a study published in Psychological Science. They're often separated from their families, struggling with big life changes, and dealing with identity shifts that come with growing older. Even if they put on a happy, brave face for you — their adult child— if you notice these things in your parents' house, they're not doing as well as they pretend.
Whether it's a dark home with little natural light or signs that they haven't left the house in a while, sometimes these "red flags" can be subtle and unsuspecting, but if you know what to look for, you can figure out how to help. Sometimes, quality time or a thoughtful conversation is the spark these adults need to start taking care of and prioritizing their mental health.
If you notice these 11 things in your parents' house, they're not doing as well as they pretend
1. There are stacks of unopened mail
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There are a number of reasons why someone might avoid opening their mail, from fearing more bills in a moment of financial distress or even struggling with the energy to walk out to the mailbox every day. If you notice these things in your parents' house, they're not doing as well as they pretend.
Of course, struggles with cognitive tasks and household chores is commonly associated with experiences of depression, according to a study from Cognitive, Affective, and Behavioral Neuroscience, but these simple, harmless tasks, like opening the mail, can also be affected.
2. The fridge is empty
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If your parents don't have the energy to grocery shop or the extra money to fill their fridge consistently, you'll probably notice their lack of food when you visit. These are some of the signs that they're not doing as well as they're pretending to be.
Especially in the current state of the world, where so many retired and older folks are struggling with basic necessities and financial stability, it's not surprising that an empty fridge would be more common for adult kids to notice than they might think. Don't take their excuses or justify the reasons — figure out how you can help and support them.
3. It's always dark
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If you notice that it's always dark in your parents' home or the blinds are always drawn when you come over, they may not be doing as well as they pretend.
Natural light, especially at home, works wonders for boosting mood and safeguarding general mental health. But if your parents are always keeping the blinds drawn or live in a home without many windows, they could also be struggling with the mood changes that follow.
4. There are family photos or cards everywhere
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Greeting cards and family photos at home often provide a sense of belonging, even when we feel lonely. They make us feel valued and seen, even when we're alone.
If a parent isn't getting many visitors at their home and is spending most of their time alone, chances are they're going to lean on these tokens of love to cope. So, if you notice these things in your parents' home, next to their chair while watching TV or scattered around in mounds around the house, chances are they're not doing well.
5. There's always a TV on
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According to a study from the Gerontologist, a TV and background noise are often common coping mechanisms for older people suffering from social isolation or loneliness. It fills the space and makes it feel comforting at home, even if they're not getting any visitors or social connections.
Active screen time may be beneficial for them, boosting cognitive outcomes and attention, but when it's on passively in the background, it's not always so healthy. So, if you notice these things in your parents' house, they're probably not doing as well as they pretend.
6. There's a musty smell
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Oftentimes, if a parent isn't keeping up on chores like doing the dishes or finishing their laundry and living a relatively stagnant lifestyle, their home will be a reflection of that. On top of the clutter that tends to sabotage their well-being and mood, you'll probably also notice a musty smell — evidence that they're not cleaning or even moving around in and out of the space often.
Even if they use excuses like a "busy schedule" to compensate for your concerns, don't overlook these subtle signs too quickly. They could be a red flag.
7. They have unopened gifts or boxes
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According to a study from Communications Psychology, people experiencing chronic loneliness often struggle with maintaining a stable emotional state. They lean toward negativity internally, but they may also linger at a stagnant baseline of emotional numbness to subconsciously self-soothe.
Even if they can't put words to this feeling of exhaustion or numbness, if you notice things like unopened gifts and packages in your parents' home, it could be a sign that they're not doing great.
8. There's clutter in all the same spaces
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Whether it's a mound of takeout boxes in their kitchen or random pieces of clutter around their favorite chair in the living room, if you notice these things in your parents' house, they're not doing as well as they pretend.
Of course, the loss of executive function to do chores and clean up can be associated with mental health concerns, but these signs could also be a red flag that they're not getting out of the house. They may be eating every meal, spending all their free time indulging in mindless entertainment, all from their home, without having anything or anyone to break up the time.
9. There are sticky notes everywhere
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According to a study from the Journal of the American Board of Family Medicine, there's a strong association between loneliness and memory loss, especially for older individuals. When they're socially isolated, lacking a level of social interaction and spending too much time alone, they start to struggle with basic cognitive functions and memory that can harm their overall health and well-being.
So, if you notice sticky note reminders around your parents' house, they could be struggling. Of course, it could be a helpful way to cope with a natural change in cognitive abilities, but if they're also socially isolated, it could be a red flag.
10. They're forcing a smile
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While forcing a smile can help to get people out of a temporary bad mood or emotional slump, if they're not addressing the root cause of their internal pain, it can only do so much.
So, if you start to notice a shift in your parents' mood at home and a consistent sense of forced positivity, it could be a sign that they're not doing as well as they've told you.
11. Their toiletries are relatively untouched
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Many older adults who feel ashamed about asking for help or who are actively experiencing loneliness or depression may fall out of a routine with their personal hygiene. Whether it's taking a shower regularly or doing their hair, their bathroom products and toiletries are always relatively untouched when you visit their home.
Of course, to some extent, there can also be physical limitations that make self-care harder for people as they get older, but if it's a struggle with loneliness and asking for help, that could be a sign of a deeper mental health concern.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
