11 Things Empty Nesters Should Never Say To Their Kids If They Ever Want Them To Come Visit
As much as you might miss your kids, you could be unintentionally pushing them away.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock Empty nesters often find it difficult to adjust to this new phase of their lives. It can feel a bit like whiplash. One minute, your home is filled with the sound of laughter as you mold your schedule around making sure they get to school and all of their other activities, and the next, an eerie silence fills the air. Parents may have spent years anticipating the day when they would finally have some peace and freedom once their kids left, but when that day arrives, it can feel more lonely than exciting. Before long, you end up missing all of the things that you may have wished would be over.
As adult children grow up and start their own lives, their relationship with their parents naturally shifts. They're now incredibly busy with work, paying their bills, tending to their pets, hanging out with friends, and finding out what adulthood means for them. Before long, seeing their parents ends up falling down the list, but it's only made worse when parents say things to their kids that make them less likely to visit. It might be a harmless comment about how they never call or come around, but to their adult kids, it can end up feeling like a guilt trip that pushes them farther away.
Here are 11 things empty nesters should never say to their kids if they ever want them to come visit
1. 'You never call anymore'
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Most of the time when parents are telling their kids that they "never call," it's coming from a place of missing them and wanting to hear their voice. It usually slips out in some kind of wistful way, and while parents don't mean any harm by pointing out that their kids are never calling them, it can end up not being taken that way by their adult children. All they hear is the disappointment and reminder that their lives are just way too busy to reach out, even when they desperately want to.
"Amid the hurt, tactics — such as guilting a child into calling more — may be deployed rather than having a meaningful conversation about what it means to stay close. Find a neutral time and non-judgmentally ask to work together to get on the same page," encouraged marriage and family therapist Sarah Epstein.
Most of the time, it's not that your kids don't want to talk to you. It's just that their days end up being filled with things that prevent them from actually being able to sit down and carve out time to have a meaningful conversation. Rather than pointing out a fact that your child already knows, parents can definitely try and put more of a positive spin on it. They can ask their kids when a good time to talk would be, instead of putting pressure on them to reach out more, or they can even start sending their kids texts throughout the day to let them know you're thinking of them too.
2. 'When are you finally going to settle down?'
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The last thing kids want to hear from their parents is questions about their lives. It makes them feel as if they need to be checking a certain box, whether it's getting married, having kids and starting a family, being able to buy a house, or even moving into a more stable career. Many parents, especially in older generations, are used to certain milestones happening for them and their peers at certain ages.
But for adult children nowadays, there are not only more barriers preventing them from reaching certain parts of what it means to be an adult, but also their priorities are not the same as their parents were decades ago. A study published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that Gen Z adults are waiting longer to find romance, and are actually quite happy being single.
Stability for them doesn't mean a nuclear, traditional family. Sometimes it means living alone, adopting a cat, traveling around the world, and having a career that keeps them moving. So, when parents are asking them constantly when they're going to settle down, it makes adult children less likely to come around because they don't want to have to keep explaining their life choices all of the time.
3. 'You should move back home'
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Even when parents are saying it with affection because they miss having their kids around, it can be taken the wrong way by them if said too much. Saying it one time is fine. Usually, adult children will just brush it off with a passive laugh or something. While an estimated 85% of parents are more than delighted to have their adult children move back home, their kids might not feel the same. But when repeated all the time, especially when children are reaching out to their parents and trying to be more communicative with them, it can make them feel as if they shouldn't be reaching out at all. Most adult kids are proud of the lives they're building.
Even if they're not entirely financially free, they're feeling the stress of being an adult. Still, it's their own lives. They're simply trying to figure things out. So, when parents are bypassing all of those things and suggesting that they move back home, it can feel as if they don't trust them to handle real life. Even if they're having a tough time, they don't want their parents to come and rescue them. They just want some support, maybe even a listening ear, or just a quick visit home to cry on their parents' shoulders before going right back out.
4. 'You must be making so much money now'
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Talking about money can be a difficult conversation for parents to have with their adult children. But, automatically assuming that they must be making all of this money, while it comes from a place of being proud, it's one of those comments that can end up putting them under some kind of microscope. The truth is, you never really know what someone’s financial situation looks like, even your own child's. In fact, according to a survey by Harvard's Institute of Politics, roughly two in five people under 30 say they’re either "struggling to make ends meet" or "getting by with limited security."
They might have an impressive-sounding job title, but between their student loans, rent, bills, and just the cost of existing, they might not have enough money left over. It can make them feel as if they're somehow failing at adulthood when hearing the assumptions that their parents are making about their lifestyle and finances. Nobody wants to ever admit that things are a lot tighter than they seem, especially to their parents.
5. 'Your sibling visits all the time'
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Just when their little kids, adult children, simply do not want to be compared to their siblings in any way, especially when it comes to how often they're visiting home. Even if parents don't mean it that way, making a comment about how their brother/sister is constantly coming home and reaching out to speak to them can unintentionally drive a wedge between them and the family. When parents are comparing one to the other, it erases all of the differences that exist.
"Comparing children, even if it’s subtle or unintentional, can make them feel inferior. Parents may unknowingly foster feelings of inadequacy by constantly comparing them to siblings or peers, which can profoundly affect self-esteem," pointed out psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein.
One sibling might live a lot closer, while the other doesn’t. One sibling could have a much more flexible schedule that allows them the freedom to come home whenever they want, while the other may have a more demanding lifestyle to the point where they aren't even at their own home most of the day. The last thing parents should want is their kids to feel as if they're being measured up against each other. The comparisons also don't really motivate anyone to visit more, either. It'll just end up creating unnecessary tension instead.
6. 'You should come visit before we're gone one day'
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Threatening your adult child with the reality of your own mortality won't actually be the thing that brings them home faster. Your kids already know that your time on this planet isn't forever, so they truly don't need the reminder. On top of that, the comment is meant to illicit feelings of guilt within your kids so that they can just drop everything they're doing to rush home.
Parents dropping this line can turn what should just be a fun visit into something that has more emotional obligation to it, and children may leave the conversation feeling heavier than they should. Frankly, your adult children don't want to feel as if they're showing up just to prevent regret, and instead, their coming home should be a more relaxed and exciting experience rather than something that's attached to all of this baggage.
7. 'You've changed since you moved away'
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It's easy to notice certain changes in your kids once they move out. It's honestly a natural thing for people to grow into themselves the second that they're out in the world on their own. The truth is, change is also what moving out is supposed to bring, too. Being able to live on their own, manage their own schedule, and make their own choices ultimately shapes any person into someone new. It's not a bad thing either. It means adult children are learning and figuring out who they are.
However, when parents comment on it in a way that sounds critical, it can make them feel like their growth isn't something to celebrate. The relationship that a parent has with their child cannot be frozen in time. That child will eventually grow up and come into themselves. The best thing parents can do to ensure that the relationship is never damaged is to be the supportive person in their corner rather than the one bringing them down.
8. 'I guess we're not important anymore'
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The problem with parents telling their kids this line is that it almost always ends up putting their child in a really tough spot. They have their own responsibilities and lives to lead, and hearing that their parents feel unimportant because of that can make them feel as if they're the ones to blame. In reality, though, they're simply living a life of their own.
Even if parents are feeling lonely and missing their children, trying to frame it in a way that makes them feel guilty will only backfire. Rather than opening up a conversation where actual results can be made, your adult child will think it's better if they just avoid you entirely because they don't want to feel these feelings of shame and guilt. Visits should be an invitation rather than a solution to feeling neglected.
9. 'I just wish things were the way they used to be'
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As much as parents would want to turn back the hands of time and go back to the memories that they have of their child in their mind, that simply can never happen. As saddening as that reality is, parents should be celebrating who their kids are at their age, rather than wishing they could go back to being 10 years old. Parents shouldn't be trying to make their children feel guilty for moving forward with their lives because that's what they're supposed to be doing anyway.
Change is such a natural part of life, and seeing your child grow should be something that makes you proud and celebratory rather than something to mourn over. Embracing those changes shows that you're interested in the lives they are living now, not just the version that you remember. At the end of the day, your adult children want to feel loved and appreciated for who they are in the present moment.
10. 'You remember to call your friends, though'
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Even when it's said playfully, adult children can immediately feel as if they're being attacked for potentially reaching out and seeing their friends more than their parents. The thing that many parents may not understand is that the friendships their adult children have are usually much more frequent and easier to manage. Considering they might all live close together, seeing them on a day-to-day basis is usually not that hard.
Family, especially parents, don't always get the same attention, not because kids care less, but because they're just juggling a lot. Trying to compare the two isn't a fair analysis, and will instead push your kids farther away as they feel that they simply can't do anything right. Your kids are more likely to reach out and visit home when they feel valued rather than criticized for how they're managing their social life.
11. 'You've outgrown us, haven't you?'
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Adult kids are learning as they go and just trying to develop new habits that make them feel good. That's exactly what parents wanted when they were raising their kids in the first place. They wanted them to learn how to be independent, confident, and self-sufficient. So, when parents say things like this, it can come across as if they're not proud of their kids for carving out a life of their own. It makes them feel immensely guilty for living their lives and, in turn, will push them farther away.
"Conflict between parents and adult children is normal, but it doesn’t have to define the relationship. Parents can foster a more peaceful, fulfilling connection with their grown children by shifting from control to support, respecting boundaries, and communicating with empathy," explained psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein.
Even if parents might be feeling nostalgic, your adult child shouldn't have to worry that the relationship they currently have with them isn't enough to keep their relationship intact. At the end of the day, they are still the child, and you're still the parent. They shouldn't have to jump through any hoops just to have approval and love.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
