The Art Of Being Unbothered: 11 Mental Tricks To Help You Survive The Holidays With Your Toxic Family
Dean Drobot | Canva Your sister walks into the house for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, or any other family gathering, and instead of feeling joy at being able to spend time with her, all you can feel is anger.
Your son shows up with a date who has a terrible attitude. Your brother, the youngest sibling, commands all the attention. And your sister-in-law dislikes chocolate and about thirty other ingredients. She brings a casserole that everyone takes but doesn’t eat. Even though you just saw your mother three days ago, she gushes as if it’s been months, which gets on your nerves.
Your toxic family always seems to push your buttons, activating old wounds and triggers. Yep, you’re in it, waist-high. Lingering animosity or unspoken conflict is an unwelcome house guest. Fortunately, there are some metal tricks you can perform to be unbothered through the holidays.
Here are 11 mental tricks to help you survive the holidays with your toxic family:
1. Try to compartmentalize
You feel like a walking time bomb. Any minute, the right thing is said in the wrong way, and the emotional waters begin to rise. What is in your emotional library that is so sensitive, so fragile, that a blade of grass might tip you over? Don’t drag your job, business issues, or love life into the mix. You need a clear head when dealing with volatile family dynamics.
2. Remove yourself from the situation
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Take a step back. Take ten steps back. Seek a different perspective. As you shift, the whole picture changes.
Couples counselor Erika Jordan explained, "An enmeshed family lacks clear boundaries. Members are overly involved in each other's lives, often to the detriment of individual autonomy and personal growth. Decisions, emotions, and relationships are heavily intertwined, leading to dependency and difficulty in establishing separate identities and independent lives."
3. Be mindful of your breathing
Breathe deeply. Slowly. And tap your heart — it’s a chakra point. Consider a mindful breathing app. Researchers tested a digital mindfulness app and found it to be useful for focused breathing exercises that directly result in stress reduction.
4. Analyze the 'why' behind your feelings
What unfinished business do you carry around that so easily triggers high emotion? I ask you: What are you so angry about? Clearly, you want something resolved that you feel you are owed.
Maybe it's an apology for something that was done to you and got swept under the rug, and you feel dismissed. Or maybe a void is so painful, vacated by someone you were invested in years before. Or it’s about losing a job or closing a business you held dear. Play emotional password, keep asking yourself why you feel angry.
5. Make sure your thoughts are clear before you express them
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Before you emotionally blurt something out, ask yourself: Is the story you're replaying in your head true? Life coach Jean Walters explains that, "Learning to manage your own emotions is a skill that works well in challenging situations. Cultivating this as a self-development exercise rather than strictly to strengthen your relationship might serve you well. Recognize that you have the power to control your own responses and choose how to handle every situation."
6. Try to be as objective as possible
Remind yourself that you cannot exaggerate the truth in your favor. "Being kind and patient with yourself and your family members is are powerful change-maker," explained wellness coach Carolyn Hidalgo. "Change takes time, and remember flare-ups can happen and are often needed to get to the other side toward a better place."
7. Seek the truth
If not true, keep looking until the right words show up. The one reality you can be 100 percent sure of is that you are not on firm, familiar ground. Something else is holding you back and making you feel so vulnerable that you are defensive.
Who or what has control when you start to feel defensive? No matter what the source of your inner unrest is, you must harness it to preserve the family's peace — and your own peace of mind.
You own the truth, unpleasant as it may be. "What could be a minor annoyance or inconvenience builds on and adds to your history of resentments," pointed out career consultant Susan Kulakowski. "Injustices experienced in the past will keep reappearing and adding to the suffering you experience today [unless you address them]."
8. Acknowledge the part you played
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Whatever happened, whose fault was it? "Shift the focus from blame to finding solutions collaboratively," continued coach Walters. "Explore alternative approaches and compromises that can address both your needs. Propose working [with difficult family members] by saying, 'Let's find ways to improve our communication and problem-solving. What strategies can we implement to better understand each other's viewpoints?"
9. Make yourself accountable
Being accountable for your words and actions is the key to getting control. "Speak to where someone has the capacity to listen," suggested Hidalgo. "It requires you to listen first to know who you are talking to. If you keep being surprised by how someone responds, you are creating your own frustration and disappointment. Not everyone has the capacity to hear what you’re saying, and you need to know what’s better left unsaid."
10. Prepare yourself for potential emotional turmoil
When you know ahead of time that you will be seeing the person with whom you have friction, start getting ready. The goal is to stay pleasant and keep your real feelings off to the side.
Kulakowski explained, "You could throw today’s injustice onto the heap of historical injustices, and your heap will continue to grow. Alternatively, you could confirm for yourself that you are uninjured, realize that the extent of the hurt was unintentional, or see that the pain you experienced was the result of a misunderstanding — yours or theirs."
11. Give people grace, including yourself
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Be respectful and keep your distance. Don't let them push your buttons. "Social skills are a huge part of emotional intelligence," advised couples counselor Audrey Tait. "Of course, not everyone is naturally gifted in social skills, but that doesn't mean those people are doomed to poor social intelligence. Almost anyone can learn to look for social cues and react to them with empathy."
Keep in mind that your relatives have a history with you. They expect you to act like you did the last time they saw you. But now you are in control of your feelings and behaviors. You are not going to take the bait.
Lingering resentment can fester — and lead to conflict. How long it takes to heal old wounds is really up to you. Remember, your emotions live in you. Unless you choose to release them, only you are aware that they even exist.
Pegi Burdick is a published author and certified coach helping people sort out their emotions from their money. Her experience as an entrepreneur and Financial Whisperer Coach helps her to teach others to achieve financial freedom.
