Kids Who Grow Up Surrounded By Conflict Often Have These 11 Self-Protective Habits As Adults
Aleksandr Yu / Shutterstock Conflict isn’t easy when you’re an adult. It can be especially difficult to navigate as a child. Growing up in a home where arguments and stress are the norm can cause issues into adulthood.
Being around constant conflict can cause trauma. Trauma makes us react differently to stress. When stress arises from conflict, we can act differently based on what we have been through. Someone who grew up surrounded by conflict likely developed habits to protect themselves as adults. Some people may become hyper-independent to avoid conflict or practice people-pleasing to keep arguments at bay. These are self-protection strategies that they likely developed in childhood.
Kids who grow up surrounded by conflict often have these 11 self-protective habits as adults
1. They become hyper-independent
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When someone grows up around constant conflict, they may become hyper-independent as adults. They may feel like they didn’t have the support of their caregivers. Instead of leaning on them for support, they may have taken their concerns into their own hands. This could mean they would prepare their own meals or soothe themselves through struggles rather than getting support from their family. In adulthood, they may continue to keep these self-protective habits.
Hyper-independence can be a trauma response. Instead of trusting others, they choose to rely on themselves. This can be a sign that they endured a lot of conflict in their childhood.
2. They try their best to always please others
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If conflict were the norm in their household growing up, someone might become a people-pleaser. They likely want to avoid tension at all costs. Instead of sharing how they really feel, they may end up saying what they think the person wants to hear. They may have genuine concerns or issues. However, they’ll end up going along with whatever the other person wants. They want to keep them happy rather than prioritizing their own needs.
They may sacrifice their own needs to make the others around them happy. Likely, they want to avoid conflict at all costs, even if it means they aren’t getting their needs met. They may have gotten used to stifling their own feelings for the sake of the people around them in childhood.
3. They suppress their emotions
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Someone who grew up in a home filled with conflict may have struggled with emotional suppression. They may have found that their emotions caused more problems. It’s not easy to feel like this as a child. As they grow into adulthood, they might suppress their emotions to avoid conflict. Even if something is bothering them, they’ll hold their tongue to keep the peace. Suppressing their emotions keeps things surface-level, which may keep arguments from forming.
Suppressing emotions can be a trauma response. They may decide to keep their feelings to themselves because they may associate emotions with conflict.
4. They fear, and therefore avoid, confrontation
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When conflict surrounds someone in childhood, they may become fearful of confrontation. They may believe that the response to slight arguments is a full-blown conflict. They may hold their tongue to keep the peace. Instead of sharing their true emotions, they will hold them in to prevent confrontation. This may become a deep fear that holds them back from having tough but necessary conversations.
“When you don’t bring up something that is bothering you, it can cause feelings of resentment, hurt, or anger, which can be potentially avoided by having a conversation about the issue,” says Angela Williams, LCSW. While they may think that holding back will prevent conflict, they are hurting themselves more than they realize.
5. They overthink most things
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Have you experienced overwhelming thoughts? It feels like you can’t escape them. It’s not easy to put a stop to them. If someone grew up surrounded by conflict, they may find themselves constantly overthinking. It could be a self-protective habit. They may find that thinking through their next move, even if it is stressful or unproductive, helps prevent conflict. This may not be the case, but it’s a reaction they have.
Overthinking harms our mental health. While someone may resort to this to prevent conflict, it defeats the purpose. It’s a self-protective habit that may not do much good.
6. They try not to trust anyone
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It can be hard to trust people when you grow up in an unstable environment. If someone’s caretakers were constantly arguing or putting one another down, they may have a hard time trusting other people. Likely, they were hurt at some point by someone they care about.
Whether they found themselves in the middle of the conflict or they felt like they were not taken care of, it’s not easy to trust moving forward. This type of person may think they aren’t safe with others. Instead, they rely only on themselves. Trusting people may not come easily to them.
7. They assume the worst-case scenario
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Conflict can trigger the fight-or-flight response. It can become a serious issue in romantic relationships. Someone who experiences constant conflict may freeze or fight back in a situation. They focus on the worst-case scenario, which can make them struggle through stressful moments. They may prepare themselves for the worst to prevent themselves from being let down.
Often, they felt this way in childhood. They were afraid of the worst-case scenario, and they may have catastrophized. It can be a hard habit to break, and they may find themselves feeling afraid of what’s to come when an argument starts.
8. They take responsibility for the emotions of others
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Sometimes, growing up in a conflict-filled household can leave people feeling responsible for the emotions of those around them. They may have experienced high-stress situations. Their family may have been fighting often, and they may have wanted to do anything they could to stop the situation. Maybe they’d apologize or take the blame for what was going on. Now, as adults, they may continue to feel responsible for other people’s emotions.
This can be a self-protective habit. They may apologize to prevent conflict from forming. They want everyone to be happy. They may take responsibility for other people’s emotions.
9. They withdraw frequently
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Pulling away from everyone around them may be a self-protective habit that kids who grew up surrounded by conflict have as adults. They may feel anxious around other people. It could be easier for them to back away when things get rocky. When they feel themselves getting too close or like conflict is brewing, they may pull away. Instead of working through these feelings, they may withdraw from the people in their lives.
Withdrawing from people when conflict comes up may be a self-protective habit. They may want to maintain a safe distance from others.
10. They avoid conflict
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Conflict avoidance is a self-protective habit someone may develop from growing up in a difficult situation. It’s not always easy for someone who grew up around constant conflict to work through arguments. When something comes up that may cause a stir between them and someone else, they may avoid the conversation altogether. While they may think this helps them, it could be making things worse. This strategy can get them into trouble in their personal relationships, especially romantic ones.
“Some people avoid conflict at all costs — even when the conflict is necessary. These people can be described as conflict-avoidant. To avoid rocking the boat, conflict-avoidant people might bottle up their feelings and sidestep discussing important issues with others,” says Sian Ferguson. “Conflict avoidance can damage your relationships and harm your mental health. This people-pleasing behavior can also make it difficult to set and maintain boundaries.”
11. They become hyper-sensitive
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It’s not surprising that people may become highly sensitive following a childhood filled with conflict. If they are constantly in the middle of arguments, they may become hypersensitive to everything around them. It can be triggering to hear raised voices or deal with arguments. They may become sensitive and shut down when things get heated.
“These often toxic high-conflict behaviors take a toll on survivors. Relational trauma, which is trauma caused by a relationship over many years, often commencing in childhood, can have devastating and long-lasting effects,” says Tracy S. Hutchinson, Ph.D. This may make them overly sensitive as a self-protective habit.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
