5 Small Habits People Use To Break Free From People-Pleasing, According To Psychology
Letting go of people-pleasing doesn't require a complete personality overhaul.
Charday Penn | Canva What exactly is a "people pleaser?" In his book Making Peace With Your Parents, Dr. Harold Bloomfield coined the term "Approval Trap" to describe people who go out of their way to make sure someone else is happy, to the detriment of their happiness. They seek approval from others due to unresolved issues with their parents.
Becoming a people pleaser is a way in which many individuals neglect to set boundaries and convey to others that they're not good enough, and learning how to stop can be great relationship advice for women in particular.
Consequently, you may have learned to be a people pleaser because of being fearful of losing the approval of others. Fear of rejection often lies at the root of a person's tendency to bend over backward to please others, sometimes at the expense of their happiness.
While it's admirable to be a caring person, learning to love and respect myself has helped me to set healthy boundaries and to say "no" without feeling guilty. Studies show that women are socialized to be obedient and responsible, which sets the stage for people pleasing.
It's natural for girls to grow up feeling that it's desirable to be in a good mood, flexible, and to subordinate their needs to others. Unfortunately, this tendency can set the stage for unhealthy boundaries in relationships. While some men may become people pleasers, it appears more often in women.
Over time, a lack of setting boundaries in relationships can damage a woman's sense of self-worth. Fortunately, this damage is reversible with self-awareness and support from others. The first step to recovering from being a people pleaser is self-awareness.
Here are five small habits people use to break free from people-pleasing:
1. Examine your childhood experiences
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Examine how you may have ignored your own needs to seek approval from others. Therapy, reading, and keeping a journal can aid you in this process. This involves understanding the root of the behavior, often stemming from early trauma or attachment issues, and developing strategies to prioritize self-needs and build healthier boundaries.
A 2022 study concluded that people-pleasing can be a learned coping mechanism developed in response to emotional injury or trauma, like a parent's demanding behavior that prioritizes their needs over the child's.
2. Assess how agreeable you are
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If you are too agreeable, make a list of things that are important to you and begin pursuing some of them. Share the list with a friend and/or therapist. Recognize and accept that the way you feel about yourself inside reflects the way you relate to people outside.
Research by the University of Edinburgh argues that as individuals prioritize their needs and values, they become more assertive in setting boundaries with others. This can help them avoid feeling overwhelmed or exploited by others.
3. Remember to be honest about your own needs
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You are not obligated to meet the needs of partners, family members, and friends. That is their responsibility, and only you know what's best for you.
Practice being vulnerable in small steps and saying things like: "I would like to help give you a ride to the airport, but it will make me late for work — maybe next time."
4. Set goals and make new choices to change your life
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For example, take time to do the things that you enjoy rather than deferring to the needs of others. Use a positive intention to guide you on your journey, such as "I will do three things for myself today." Write your intentions down and keep them where you can see them, such as on your refrigerator or desk.
A 2020 study suggested that when individuals focus on their own goals and prioritize their needs, they are less likely to prioritize the needs of others at the expense of their well-being. This shift in focus can lead to increased confidence, self-worth, and a greater ability to set healthy boundaries.
5. Believe in yourself and work on self-acceptance
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This involves moving out of a place of viewing yourself as a victim. You are worthy of love and all life has to offer.
According to marriage and family therapist Darlene Lancer, we pay a price when we are a people pleaser. She writes: "Everyone starts in life wanting to be safe, loved, and accepted. It's in our DNA.
Some of us figure out that the best way to do this is to put aside what we want or feel and allow someone else's needs and feelings to take precedence. This works for a while.
It feels natural, and there's less outer conflict, but our inner conflict grows. If we'd like to say no, we feel guilty, and we may feel resentful when we say yes. We're screwed if we do and srewed if we don't."
In my experience, you can find your voice and act from a place of personal power. Many of the women I interviewed for my book Daughters of Divorce felt that they had boundary issues and low self-esteem, which caused them to become people pleasers. Experiencing the breakup of your childhood home, parental alcoholism, or being raised in a high-conflict family may have triggered this tendency.
Laura's story illustrates how she recovered from her tendency to be a people pleaser. With strong emotion in her voice, she describes her struggle to please her ex-husband: "When I met Michael, he seemed like such a great guy and I bent over backward to please him.
But after a year or so, I was exhausted because he had two kids and I was the one who usually cooked dinner, cleaned up, and paid for groceries. When we broke up, I realized that he didn't appreciate me and rarely did things to please me. My self-esteem hit rock bottom because of his put-downs and lack of love and affection."
Often the breakup of a relationship or a divorce can cause women to pause and examine their behavior. Even in the case of a "good divorce" or breakup, it’s beneficial to come to terms with how your behavior, such as not setting healthy limits, could have contributed to the demise of your relationship. If that's the case, it's time for you to begin to assert your needs in a way that's respectful to others.
Keep in mind, that when you speak up for what you want and need, others may try to lay a guilt trip on you. However, you can learn to set healthy boundaries in relationships, and this will cause your sense of self to soar as you build self-respect.
Having realistic expectations is key because it takes time to change your behavior and for others to adapt to the new you. You are worth the effort and deserve a freer, happier life.
Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW, is a licensed clinical social worker with extensive experience in counseling and writing.
