Kids Who Grew Up With Moody Parents Almost Always Have These 11 Traits As Adults
Growing up with moody parents changes you.
Dean Drobot | Shutterstock Growing up with moody parents isn’t easy for kids. They’re often left in suspense, always wondering when the other shoe will drop. Because they never know how their parents will feel, they’re constantly trying to calm them down and keep them happy. This can have lasting effects on a child that carry into adulthood and influence how they behave.
Psychotherapist Imi Lo discussed how tough it can be to grow up with parents who have unstable moods. “They shower you with love and empathy for one minute, making you [feel] seen and cherished,” she said. “The next, they erupt in a storm of childish rage, leaving you bewildered and terrified. This is the heartbreaking reality of growing up with a highly unstable parent.” Someone in this situation will develop certain traits to cope.
Kids who grew up with moody parents almost always have these 11 traits as adults:
1. They turn into people-pleasers
fizkes | Shutterstock
If someone grew up with moody parents, they’ll probably grow up to be a people pleaser. They’ll be used to the volatility of their parents’ moods swinging back and forth from one extreme to another, so they’ll always try to calm down the people they’re with, thinking they could explode at any moment, just like their parents. They want to make sure everything stays stable and doesn’t dip too far in either direction.
“People who had highly critical parents may develop a people-pleasing pattern,” licensed clinical psychologist Sherry Pagoto, PhD, said. “Early experiences with harsh criticism or punishment can lead to significant anxiety upon attempting a task. Even though the parent or other important person in your life who doled out the criticism may no longer be in your life, anxiety is an emotion that can live on for a very long time.”
People pleasers always prioritize other people’s needs over their own. They make sure others are satisfied and happy before taking care of themselves, if they take care of themselves at all. This would be understandable after growing up with moody parents who became upset easily. Someone in that situation would naturally want to make the people around them happy. It’s just what they’re used to.
2. They overthink everything
syedfahadghazanfar | Shutterstock
Another trait that people who grew up with moody parents will pick up on is overthinking. As kids, they had to pay attention to everything their parents said and did. Everything felt like it required analysis to determine how to best react and what their parents’ probable next move would be. That’s not a behavior that just goes away. In fact, as they grew up, it would probably only become stronger.
Psychotherapist Amy Morin, LCSW, explained, “Overthinking involves thinking about a certain topic or situation excessively and analyzing it for long periods of time. When you overthink, you have a hard time getting your mind to focus on anything else. It becomes consumed by the one thing you are thinking about.”
Not every overthinker grew up with moody parents, but overthinking is a sign that someone had to deal with unstable moods from a young age. These people had to think overtime just to determine what direction their parents’ moods would go in, and how they could best respond. As they grow up, they’ll keep overthinking and trying to overanalyze every situation they’re in. It’s a learned behavior, not a switch they can flip.
3. They hate upsetting anyone
shurkin_son | Shutterstock
This one might be kind of obvious, but people who grew up with moody parents will do everything possible to avoid upsetting others. They grew up learning to do this constantly to keep their parents happy. Since their parents’ moods were unstable, they naturally didn’t want to upset them and make them angry, so they worked hard to keep them happy. This tendency will stick with them in adulthood, but it’s not realistic.
Psychotherapist Ilene Strauss Cohen, PhD, said, “Conflict and differences are unavoidable in any close relationship. For closeness and intimacy to be formed and maintained, it’s important for both people to be able to speak up and express their authentic feelings. People who fear confrontation often keep from telling others what bothers them, so they can wind up feeling alone, helpless, and unheard.”
No one can avoid upsetting anyone all the time, and if they tried to, it would leave them feeling very unhappy. They would never have the chance to share their true feelings. Conflict is just a part of life, and it can’t be avoided altogether. People who learned to avoid conflict in childhood can really struggle because they will try to continue to do so in adulthood even when conflict is needed to work through some issues.
4. They take blame for everything
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock
If someone grew up with moody parents, there’s a good chance that they’ll end up taking responsibility for pretty much everything, even when it isn’t their fault. Their parents were often in a bad mood, and they didn’t take responsibility for their own moodiness, so they made their kid feel like it was their fault. And it would be easy to assume this responsibility when you’re young and don’t understand why your parents are upset all the time.
Licensed clinical psychologist Dianne Grande, PhD, shared, “Taking on too much responsibility for others’ behavior can become a lifelong habit that harms both yourself and the other person. It can cause frustration, resentment, and feelings of being taken advantage of.” She added, “Anytime we take on responsibility for another adult, we run the risk of enabling that person to continue with their own bad habits or poor decisions. It is a destructive form of helping.”
No one can realistically take responsibility for everything that goes wrong. Even if it feels like it would be helpful in the moment, it’s actually an enabling behavior that lets others continue their bad behavior without taking accountability. No matter how much difficulty someone has been through in their life, they have to understand that not everything is their fault, and it doesn’t require them to take ownership.
5. They're incredibly empathetic
Yavdat | Shutterstock
If someone had moody parents, they’ll most likely be very empathetic. They understand what it’s like to be hurt repeatedly by people you love, and they would never want to put someone else through that. They understand that all people have their issues, and everybody is hurting for some reason. Instead of meeting the world with coldness, they’ll treat others with compassion — perhaps too much sometimes. Their empathy is a treasure, but it can easily be taken advantage of.
Psychosocial rehabilitation specialist Kendra Cherry, MSEd, defined it this way: “Empathy is the ability to emotionally understand what other people feel, see things from their point of view, and imagine yourself in their place. Essentially, it is putting yourself in someone else’s position and feeling what they are feeling.”
Being empathetic is like stepping into someone else’s proverbial emotional shoes. People who have experienced pain themselves are more likely to be empathetic because they know what that pain can do to others. They don’t like to see people hurt the way they have. They can relate in a special way because they went through so many hard times themselves.
6. They still feel like they're walking on eggshells
Africa Studio | Shutterstock
A person who grew up with moody parents is almost certainly going to feel like they’re always walking on eggshells. They’re just waiting for the next mood swing, always worried about what could happen next. They’ll never feel fully comfortable, no matter what environment they’re in. This isn’t just something that you can easily snap out of one day, so they’ll probably carry it with them into adulthood.
Health and wellness writer Elizabeth Plumptre explained what this can look like in a romantic relationship. “In the same way that an egg demands delicate treatment to avoid cracks in its frame, a person who walks on eggshells around their partner will observe considerable caution to avoid upsetting them,” she said. “In this dynamic, one partner’s mood often swings from happy to mildly annoyed or even angry at the slightest shift in the other’s tone.”
This can also translate to a relationship with parents. In that case, it’s the parents’ moods that swing unexpectedly depending on how the child acts. Kids who grow up in this situation will get used to walking on eggshells and continue to do it when they’re older. They’ll probably fear that their future partner will act the same way and worry that the people they care about will snap at them at the slightest provocation. They’ll do everything possible to avoid this.
7. They expect the worst
Tom Wang | Shutterstock
Unfortunately, these people have learned to expect the worst from life and from other people. After dealing with their parents' moodiness and seeing the worst come out in the people who were supposed to take care of them and love them unconditionally, they’ve come to plan for the worst to happen. It only makes sense. After all, the world has shown them the absolute worst it has to offer repeatedly, so why would they expect anything different?
Licensed clinical social worker Sharon Martin identified this feeling as catastrophizing. “Catastrophizing is when we imagine something terrible happening,” she said. “Those of us who tend toward anxiety and overthinking can get especially stuck in this web of catastrophizing. Catastrophizing both stems from and breeds more anxiety, hopelessness, and helplessness.”
It’s natural that someone who had a rough childhood because of their parents’ moodiness would begin catastrophizing. They would naturally expect bad things to happen, and eventually that expectation would spin out of control. Their parents repeatedly hurt them emotionally, so now they think the rest of the world will too. They came to expect their parents’ moods to be bad, and they’ll expect the same from the rest of the world.
8. They crave control
fizkes | Shutterstock
Kids who grew up with moody parents will definitely desire control as adults. When they were young, everything felt (and, really, was) out of their control. It will turn them into a control freak. They’ll want to have a hand in everything so they can spread out their sphere of influence and have some power over what’s going on around them. After living in such a volatile environment, they will try to control as much as they possibly can about life — not just theirs, but the world at large.
Health and wellness writer Traci Pedersen explained that everyone experiences some desire for control. The problem is that some people take it to an extreme and let it affect others too much. “A person with a ‘controlling personality’ is driven by high levels of anxiety to feel safe,” she said. “Though the need for control might be an unconscious feeling, the anxiety can create a strong desire to control surroundings and other people to keep a sense of order.”
Wanting to be in control isn’t necessarily a bad thing. And, when it’s caused by past trauma, it’s understandable. However, if someone is so controlling that they try to exert that control over other people and take away their autonomy, that’s a problem. When someone grows up feeling desperately out of control and like they have no say in their own life, they’ll want to seek a greater sense of control when they’re an adult and have more power. They just need to be careful.
9. They fear being abandoned
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock
Chances are, someone who grew up with moody parents is going to struggle with worrying about being “good enough” and being loved. This could lead to a fear of abandonment. This doesn’t mean they actually have been abandoned, by their parents or by someone else. But what were supposed to be loving relationships felt so tenuous and fragile to them that they expect people to leave them, especially if they get too close.
“Although it is not an official phobia, the fear of abandonment is arguably one of the most common and damaging fears,” health and wellness writer Lisa Fritscher said. “People with a fear of abandonment tend to display behaviors and thought patterns that affect their relationships. The result can be serious and devastating — in many cases, maladaptive coping strategies end up causing the very abandonment they dread.”
Having a fear of abandonment can cause people to cling too tightly to the relationships they have. By trying to draw people closer, they’re actually inadvertently pushing them away. Like Fritscher pointed out, they’re causing the abandonment they fear so much. It’s difficult to find a healthy balance when you have this fear. But, it’s hard to change the fact that you worry the ones who love you won’t stand by your side.
10. They can be moody themselves
prokopphoto | Shutterstock
People who grew up around moody parents will surely hope not to end up that way themselves. Unfortunately, sometimes they do. Because their parents struggled emotionally, they may find themselves doing the same thing. This could result in them copying their parents’ behavior and acting moody themselves. They didn’t choose it, and they don’t want to put the people close to them through the same thing they went through, but they don’t know how to stop the pattern from repeating itself.
Licensed counselor Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, called this “the chameleon effect.” She said, “The word ‘chameleon’ is a metaphor for a person’s ability to reflect another’s expressions and mannerisms as if they were blending in with another person’s feelings.” She went on to say that this can be worse for empathetic people. “Empathetic people tend to not only pick up on others’ feelings more easily than less empathetic people, but they also are more likely to mimic other people more often,” she added. “Their higher attunement to others’ emotions is likely the cause of their increased level of mirroring others.”
Someone who grew up with moody parents may pick up on that behavior themselves and carry it into their own lives. They may not even really be aware of it as it could be more of a subconscious thing. But, even though it’s the opposite of what they would have hoped for, they’ll be just as moody as their parents were. It’s not an ideal outcome for anyone, but it can be hard to avoid.
11. They shut down completely
Bits And Splits | Shutterstock
On the other hand, someone who grew up with moody parents may swing in the opposite direction and end up emotionally detached and unavailable. Instead of having strong, moody emotions, they’ll stuff anything they feel deep down and appear not to have any feelings at all. It’s like they’re a walking shell. While they probably didn’t want to end up moody like their parents, this obviously isn’t a good thing either.
In another article, Cherry stated, “Emotional detachment refers to being disconnected or disengaged from other people’s feelings. It can involve an inability or unwillingness to get involved in other people’s emotional lives. While this detachment may protect people from stress, hurt, and anxiety, it can also interfere with a person’s psychological, social, and emotional well-being.”
If someone is emotionally unavailable, they can’t really connect with others, and they have no real emotions to connect to themselves. They’ve eschewed emotions altogether because what they saw when they were growing up was so concerning to them. They don’t want to be in that position, either, and put others through what they went through, so they simply refuse to feel and relate. This is unhealthy and can be very damaging. Instead, there has to be a happy medium.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
