10 Classic Traits Of An Emotionally Unavailable Partner, According To Psychology
If love always feels one-sided, these psychological signs may explain why.
Ruslan Zaplatin | Unsplash If you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone you thought might be emotionally unavailable, you know the pain of not being able to get close to the one you love. Emotionally unavailable people are often evasive (or simply inept) when it comes to talking about their feelings or your relationship. Some might use manipulative behaviors like anger, criticism, or avoidance to create emotional distance between you. Because of this, you end up feeling alone, depressed, unimportant, or rejected.
Some people have always been unavailable due to factors like mental health or illness and/or a troubled childhood. Others may temporarily see other aspects of their life — such as family obligations, education, work projects, or health concerns — as higher priority than a romantic relationship for a time.
Often, these different reasons for being emotionally unavailable overlap, and it’s difficult to ascertain whether the problem is chronic or will pass. If you’re looking for a close, committed relationship, a person living in another state or who is married or still in love with someone else is not likely to be there for you in the long run.
Of course, some people give the appearance of emotional availability because they do speak openly about their feelings and their past. You won’t realize until you’re already in a relationship that they’re unable to fully connect emotionally or make a meaningful commitment.
Here are 10 classic traits of an emotionally unavailable partner, according to psychology:
1. Uses excessive flattery
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Like snake charmers, these emotionally unavailable wooers may also be adept listeners and communicators. Often good at short-term intimacy, some allure with self-disclosure and vulnerability, but they prefer the chase to the catch.
Excessive attention and flattery are often a strategy to gain power and control over the other person. A 2021 study suggested that by creating an intense emotional bond early on, the love bomber can more easily manipulate their partner.
2. Behaves inflexibly and loathes compromise
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Emotionally unavailable people won’t allow themselves to be inconvenienced or expected to modify their routine to accommodate you. Typically, people with a fear of commitment are inflexible and loathe compromises, expecting their relationships to revolve around them.
A 2023 study explained that restricting a partner's activities and criticizing their choices creates a dynamic where the controller has power, and the partner's autonomy is destroyed. When confronted about their behavior, an emotionally unavailable partner may blame their partner for being too sensitive.
3. Openly uncomfortable with relationship commitment
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An emotionally unavailable person may hint or even admit that they aren't good at relationships or that they don't believe in or aren't ready for marriage. Listen to these statements and believe them.
An emotionally unavailable person might avoid defining a relationship, which keeps it in an uncertain state. Research has found that this prevents emotional intimacy from deepening and provides an easy escape route if things get too serious.
4. Has a pattern of serial monogamy
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Find out if the emotionally unavailable person has had prior long-term relationships and why they ended. You may learn that most ended at the stage when deeper intimacy normally develops.
Individuals might also use serial relationships as a means of self-validation and to avoid confronting unresolved emotional issues. Research has shown that they accomplish this by using their partners to fill a void instead of developing a stable sense of self-worth and independence.
5. Demands perfection
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Emotionally unavailable people look for and find a fatal flaw, and then quickly move on when they find it. The problem here is a fear of intimacy. When they can’t find imperfection, their anxiety rises. Given time, they will find an excuse to end the relationship. Don’t be tempted to believe you’ll fare better than their past partners.
Research supports that perfectionism can increase negative moods and perceptions in relationships. Addressing perfectionism often requires effort to help individuals confront anxiety around imperfection, develop self-acceptance, and learn to communicate their needs in healthier ways.
6. Has unpredictable emotional outbursts
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Notice rudeness to waiters and others, revealing pent-up rage. An emotionally unavailable person is likely to be demanding and potentially emotionally abusive.
Emotionally detached individuals are often not in tune with their own feelings, making it hard to express emotions healthily. Instead of acknowledging their hurt or insecurity, research suggests they might lash out with anger, which is a less vulnerable emotion for them to express.
7. Displays arrogance or superiority
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Avoid someone who brags and acts cocky, signaling low self-esteem and emotional unavailability. It takes authentic confidence to be intimate and committed.
Research shows that arrogant individuals often have an inflated sense of self-importance to compensate for feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. An arrogant person's behavior creates a false front of superiority to avoid the vulnerability and intimacy required for a healthy, emotionally available relationship.
8. Shows up chronically late
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Chronic lateness is inconsiderate, and can also indicate the person is avoiding a relationship. That said, don’t assume that punctuality means someone is automatically a catch.
Research has found that for some, being late is a form of avoidance, a way to subconsciously resist getting too close or starting a new phase of a relationship. It allows them to maintain a buffer zone, creating distance that prevents the development of true intimacy.
9. Is either invasive or evasive
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Secrecy, evasiveness, or asking inappropriate questions too soon may indicate a hidden agenda and unwillingness to allow a relationship to unfold naturally. Conversely, someone may conceal their past due to shame, which may create an obstacle to getting close.
Evasive behaviors tend to be a common sign of emotional unavailability, as the person uses distance to prevent emotional intimacy. Invasive actions can also indicate emotional unavailability, one study found, as the individual might have a hidden agenda or a fear of true connection, all of which sabotage the relationship to maintain distance.
10. Exhibits overly seductive behavior
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Seducers avoid authenticity because they don’t believe they’re enough to keep a partner. Once the relationship gets real, they’ll sabotage it. Seduction is a power play and about conquest for emotionally unavailable people.
Most people reveal their emotional availability early on. Pay attention to the facts, especially if there’s mutual attraction. Even if the person seems to be Mr. or Mrs. Right, yet is emotionally unavailable, you’ll be left with nothing but pain.
If you overlook, deny, or rationalize to avoid short-term disappointment, you run the risk of enduring long-term misery. You must be as honest with yourself as you expect others to be with you when it comes to your own level of emotional availability.
Darlene Lancer is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the author of several books on relationships and codependency.
