If Your Dad Used These 11 Phrases, He's Likely Not A Very Good Person
Kittyfly / Shutterstock We all have a soft spot for our parents. Even though we can admit that they are far from perfect, most of us can name a few, if not several, redeeming qualities they hold. Sadly, not everyone experiences this feeling for their fathers. We’ve all heard of the term ‘daddy issues,’ but it is a serious form of trauma some go through during childhood.
If you didn’t have a close relationship with your father, or maybe you didn’t have one at all, you are not alone. So much of our learned behavior comes from our parents. If you grew up in a home with a father who was absent or was toxic when present, you may have formed insecure attachments into adulthood. No father should use phrases that intentionally hurt his children. The pain they caused lingers. If you identify with the phrases below, your father was likely not a very good person.
If your dad used these 11 phrases, he's likely not a very good person
1. ‘After everything I’ve done for you’
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Growing up in a toxic household, your father likely guilt-tripped you. It’s a form of manipulation. They want to alter your feelings to control you. When a father says, "After all I’ve done for you," as a way to guilt you into doing something for him, he was likely not a very good person.
Marissa Moore from PsychCentral explains how guilt-tripping by reminding you of everything they’ve done for you works. If you ask them a favor and they do it, they will be ready to use it against you. If they ask for a favor from you and you decline, they will use the "after everything I did for you" excuse. Say your father asked you for money. You kindly decline. In response, he reminds you of everything he’s done for you and how much money he spent on you as a child. That is not the behavior of a good person.
2. ‘You’re so sensitive’
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As children, we can certainly be dramatic. However, if your father often comments on how sensitive you are when you bring up how his behavior hurts your feelings, he is not a good person. By trying to belittle your concerns, your father is practicing emotional invalidation.
“Emotional invalidation occurs when you are told through words or nonverbal behaviors that your way of thinking or feeling is bad or wrong,” says Melissa Nunes-Harwitt, LCSW, for the University of Rochester Medical Center. “This response pattern can occur at any point in life but is particularly hurtful coming from a parent because it starts early, happens frequently, and continues for years, sometimes even into adulthood.”
3. ‘It was just a joke’
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We have all dealt with people who claim that something was "just a joke," when in reality, they were trying to hurt us. Whether this comes from a friend or a romantic partner, it stings. It’s a serious way to get under our skin. When a parent does it, it is harrowing. A bad father will often use the phrase "It’s just a joke" to try to play off the cruel words he said.
We inherit our worldview from our parents. When they are comfortable making cruel comments and playing it off as a joke, we can become hurt, lose self-confidence, and even use this phrase in our own lives as we get older. When a parent tries to say something is "just a joke," when it clearly has truth buried under it, it is not a joke. It is an attempt to hide their hurtful behavior.
4. 'You've always been like this'
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When you were raised by someone who was not a very good person, they will try to make you feel bad about their mistakes. If you respond to their behavior negatively, they find a way to flip the script, saying something along the lines of, "You’ve always been like this," as if you are the root of the problem.
This is not an honest form of communication. When your father uses this type of guilt on you, he will pay a high price. Not only will he hurt you, but he will also damage his relationship with you in the long term. Using "You’ve always been like this" as a way to guilt a child can cause resentment. Instead of looking at their behavior and accepting their flaws, they refuse to take responsibility and want you to feel like the problem.
5. ‘Look what you made me do’
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"Look what you made me do" is one of the cruelest phrases a father can say to his children. If you’ve experienced a moment of trauma, and the person blames you for their behavior, they are not a very good person. This phrase can signal that a narcissist may have raised you.
“A narcissist’s greatest weapon may be to turn a person against him or herself,” says Erin Leonard, Ph.D. A father who wants to shift the blame away from him and instead cause his child to think they did something wrong will often say phrases like "look what you made me do." It’s that attempt to turn you against yourself, taking the blame for the incident that hurt you.
6. ‘You owe me’
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A bad father will make you believe that you are in debt to them. They think that because they spent time and energy raising you, you need to be there for them at all times. This is an example of ‘sacrifice debt,’ the way a bad parent will try to convince you that you owe them your life. The reality is, you do not owe them anything.
Children who were raised by fathers who said this phrase feel the overwhelming weight of success on their backs. They feel like they need to achieve everything they can, make the most money possible, and return their parents’ investment in them. Fathers who believe their children owe them phone calls, grandchildren, success, or money are not very good people. Ultimately, they prioritize their own wants and needs over those of their children.
7. ‘That’s not what happened’
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We all have painful memories from our childhood. Whether it was struggling in school or having trouble making friends, these memories sting, no matter how far removed we are from them. When you recall something hurtful happening because of your father and his behavior, you might attempt to talk it through with him as an adult. If he says, "That’s not what happened," he’s likely not listening to you. He is only concerned with protecting his image.
A study found that a parent denying reality with their child can be extremely harmful. If they hear time and time again that "that’s not what happened," even though they clearly remember it that way, they may start to believe they are ‘crazy.’ They will be gaslit into thinking they don’t understand the truth behind their feelings.
8. ‘Not my problem’
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According to a study published in the National Institute of Health’s National Library of Medicine, positive family factors promote healthy habits into adulthood. Children need to be able to confide in their parents. Feeling as though you can tell your parents anything and everything builds a healthy foundation. If your father often said, "Not my problem," when you attempted to find solace in him, he was likely not a very good person.
‘Not my problem’ is a phrase that blows off the child’s feelings. Even hearing this as an adult can sting. They will not feel safe opening up, which can cause them to struggle with vulnerability. Receiving an unwanted response like this will make a child feel permanently uncomfortable confiding in their parents.
9. ‘You need to appreciate me’
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There are no negative side effects to having a good gratitude practice locked down. In fact, there are major health benefits. However, forced appreciation and gratitude are different altogether. When you grow up with a father who demands appreciation from you, even when he doesn’t deserve it, he likely is not a very good person.
Parents instill good manners in their children by encouraging them to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ frequently, a study found. However, with forced gratitude towards parents comes struggles. It is a form of control and manipulation. It causes undeserved loyalty that will impact someone’s view of their life and childhood.
10. ‘Be glad I’m even here’
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From childhood through adulthood, there is so much to be celebrated. From dance recitals to high school graduations, work promotions, and wedding proposals, most of us want our parents to be there for these important moments. If you have a father who was not a very good person, he may manipulate you into thinking you should be grateful he even showed up.
It’s hurtful to have a parent miss out on your special moments, but it’s even worse when they show up and clearly do not want to be there. If you try to talk to them about how they’re acting, they might snap at you and say, "Be glad I’m even here," which is even more painful.
11. ‘It’s not that deep’
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The common theme of a father who is not a very good person is the way they will do anything they can to take the blame off themselves. Instead, they’ll say things like, "It’s not that deep" to minimize your feelings.
“Individuals raised by narcissistic and emotionally invalidating parents have been told that their perceptions, feelings, needs, and beliefs are wrong, so they assume that whatever they feel towards their parents is probably overblown,” says Hannah Alderete, MA, LMHC. “And to add to this narrative, narcissistic parents often say things like, 'I’m just trying to help' or 'I’m doing this because I love you,' but the messaging is deeply incongruent with how it’s being delivered.”
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
