11 Unfortunate Ways A Narcissistic Dad Dismantles His Own Family Without Even Trying
If this sounds familiar to you, your dad may be hurting his own family without even realizing it.
HI_Pictures / Shutterstock A narcissistic father can easily make himself believe that he's the center of the family and that everything should revolve around him. To him, his needs and wants matter more than anyone else's. He may fool everyone on the outside with his charming personality, but behind closed doors, his behavior alone is enough to tear a family apart.
Without even realizing it, a narcissistic dad can leave his children insecure and disconnected, and leave his wife in constant survival mode. The damage can be done within a span of years, but once it's done, there's no going back. He may not even realize it until years later, when he's left all alone with no family around him.
These are 11 unfortunate ways a narcissistic dad dismantles his own family without even trying
1. He turns family members into rivals
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A narcissistic dad creates a family where everyone becomes rivals instead of a team, leading them to compete against each other so he can see who the real strong one is. He does this by telling different versions of the truth to different people, causing tension among everyone. No family dinner in their home is complete without a dramatic storming off.
This type of parent creates rivalry amongst their children by manipulating them for their own selfish needs. In this dynamic, there is usually a golden child and a scapegoat, which is one of the most common ways a parent creates this division.
2. He needs all the attention, all the time
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Not being the center of the spotlight is a narcissistic dad's worst nightmare. He needs attention at all times, and if he doesn't, he won't be afraid to throw a fit or even start a fight so that all eyes can be on him. Even if it's someone's birthday or their kid is hitting a milestone, he will always find a way to make the day revolve around him.
This is how many children learn early on that no matter what they do, they won't get the attention or recognition they deserve. This is because when children have a narcissistic parent, that parent will find it hard to love or even care for anyone other than themselves
"Relationships often serve the purpose of boosting the narcissist's status," Dr. Kristy Lee Parkin says. "They may not necessarily want to become a parent, but may change their mind when they realize that with it comes a rise in status and recognition."
RELATED: The Narcissistically Disordered Family
3. He uses intimidation and guilt to control people
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Narcissistic people aren't afraid to control someone for their own needs, and a few ways they do this are by using guilt or intimidation. Often, a narcissistic dad might guilt his own kid into taking his side during an argument with the mother by saying things along the lines of, "After everything I've done for you."
Other ways a narcissist dad might control his kids are by guilting them into thinking that they are the problem. He can use any empathy his kids have left for him until they give in to his commands.
4. He rewrites reality when it doesn't serve him
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It's not uncommon for a narcissistic dad to take back promises or gaslight his kid into believing that he never made a commitment or said anything in the past that doesn't benefit him in the present. He might've convinced his children to do a favor for him that they didn't want to do in exchange for going out for ice cream, but the second they complete the task, he'll say he never guaranteed he'd take them.
Though some of these broken promises might seem small, in the long run, they will add up to the point where the child will no longer believe anything their dad says, damaging the relationship forever. This leads the kids to question everything the dad says, including whether his apologies are honest, which they most likely aren't.
5. He tears down others' confidence
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It's easy to spot a father who has narcissistic traits when he refuses to let anyone in the family gain any confidence. Instead of letting them feel good about themselves or, let alone, celebrate their achievements, he would rather point out their flaws to make them feel inferior.
This can often disguise itself as small, petty comments, but it's important not to brush them off as such. A comment meant to diminish a kid's confidence sounds something like, "That's nothing, when I was your age..."
6. He feels threatened by his children
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When a narcissistic dad feels threatened by his children, he shows it by competing with their growth. If his kids show closeness with their mother, instead of viewing it as something beautiful, he might start to feel threatened by a fear of being replaced. Psychologists often refer to this as the Laius complex, which occurs when a father sees his children as their rival and not their own person.
Instead of wanting to celebrate his children's achievements, a narcissistic dad will prefer to outshine them. This type of dad also finds it hard to attend games or performances because he doesn't care about them and doesn't deem them important enough to make the effort to go.
7. He creates a home where emotions aren't safe
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Showing any sort of emotions in the home of a narcissistic parent will do more harm than good. A child might be crying out to be understood, but instead, their vulnerability gets turned into a weapon against them. This type of dad views crying as a weakness and anger as disrespect or rebellion, so instead of comforting, he shames.
This can easily cause a child to stop expressing themselves, their stare becomes blank, and their voice monotone in fear of being scolded. In this household, it's not unusual to hear constant silence except for when the father decides to speak.
8. He chooses power over partnership
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A narcissistic dad will never care for anyone as much as he cares about himself, which is why the dynamics in the family always feel off to anyone looking from the outside in. He will never view his wife or kids as equals as long as he wants to stay in control.
Research has shown that a desire for power heavily drives narcissists, and they will appear physically uncomfortable or unhappy when they feel powerless. Because of this, they often engage in behaviors like bragging, interrupting, and even pushing others aside to maintain power.
9. His love is conditional
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Love is something that has to be earned in the eyes of a narcissistic dad. Approval, and rarely affection, is only given when the child does something that favors the dad or meets his expectations. If his child were ever to disappoint him, he would let it be known through the silent treatment and pretend as if his child didn't even exist.
When the family is obedient to him, he can transform into the nicest and warmest person ever but if not, he'll reveal his true self. This type of behavior teaches everyone that his "love" is unpredictable and unstable.
10. He never takes accountability
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A narcissistic dad will never admit that he's in the wrong. Instead, he will do everything in his power to blame it on anyone else, no matter how absurd the accusation sounds. Over time, the family learns that it's pointless to ever expect an apology from him, leaving several problems unresolved.
Children who are raised this way often grow up feeling responsible for everyone's feelings and end up running around trying to "fix" their relationships. They might also grow up to view conflict as something to avoid at all costs, rather than trying to work through it.
11. He destroys trust
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The reason why there is never any real trust between a narcissistic dad and his family is that he will always want to find a way to use their trust against them. He makes promises that always end up broken, and yet he expects his children to keep theirs. Eventually, after one too many lies and betrayals, the family learns to stop taking his word for anything and that his intentions are never as they seem.
Constant manipulation and broken trust cause the victim to doubt their own instincts and struggle to find future healthy relationships because they are always expecting someone to hurt them or use their trust against them.
Growing up with a narcissistic father can have serious consequences for a child. More often than not, they will probably need to go through therapy or get help as they grow older to unlearn those toxic behaviors that were instilled in them from an early age. Recognizing these patterns is the first step to becoming a better person and learning how to heal from this generational damage.
Doreen Albuerne is a writer with a bachelor's degree in journalism, covering relationships, mental health, and lifestyle topics.
