If Your Kids Have These 11 Rare Life Skills, You Did A Truly Exceptional Job Raising Them
KrakenImages | Shutterstock Raising good kids takes a lot of determination. It works best when you have a vision, a goal for them. People who do an exceptional job raising kids have a mission to raise kids who not only have happy lives, but who make the world better.
A survey of 3,700 parents found that their biggest concerns for their children relate to their mental health, financial stability, and job satisfaction. With these things in mind, exceptional parents focus on making sure their kids have these 11 skills so they enter life well prepared.
If your kids have these 11 rare life skills, you did a truly exceptional job raising them
1. They can be self-reflective
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The ability to self-reflect is a rare skill, regardless of a person's age, but it's one of the most important core skills kids need in order to be happy and have rewarding relationships.
In order to be truly self-reflective, people have to look at themselves in their entirety. If they only focus on parts they like and gloss over their more imperfect parts, they won’t actually know who they are, which limits their ability to improve. If they only see the negative and gloss over their virtues, they won't know what they have to offer the world.
Self-aware people acknowledge their strengths and take note of their growth points. They understand what triggers them and they know how to navigate their more difficult emotions. Parents teach this to their kids by modeling it themselves as well as guiding them through the process of seeing what they're good at and learning to recognize and improve where needed, in a loving matter.
If your kids have the ability to self-reflect, that's a big sign you did an exceptional job raising them. Good job, Mom or Dad!
2. They can hear feedback without getting defensive
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It’s never easy for people to hear that they’re doing something wrong or that someone is disappointed in their behavior. But an emotionally intelligent person is able to receive feedback graciously and really hear the other person’s perspective, which is why it's so important to raise kids with this skill.
Peak performance specialist and PhD candidate Shade Zahrai shared a four-step process to help people embody a growth mindset around receiving feedback, starting with expressing gratitude.
Zahrai suggests saying, “Thanks for bringing that to my attention” or “I appreciate you letting me know about that,” both of which show that you’re open to what’s being said. The next step is to seek clarity, which involves asking for examples of a different way to handle a situation along with what could be done better next time.
“Be curious and have empathy,” Zahrai advises. “Have a mindset of, ‘I wonder what led this person to feel this way.’ You can respond with, ‘That’s an interesting observation, can you tell me more about that?’"
If your kids can hear feedback and respond reasonably, you did a great job. If you're sitll working on it, her method can help.
3. They know how to manage their stress
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Another way to know you did a good job raising your kids is if they can cope with stress in a healthy way. They don’t let stress or anxiety debilitate them and they don’t lean on maladaptive coping mechanisms, like ruminating, engaging in negative self-talk, or emotionally numbing as a form of escape. Instead, they rely on the inner strength you gave them to handle pressure without harming their well-being.
Life coach Alex Mathers shares a stress cure that offers immediate relief, noting that worrying about a problem doesn’t actually solve it.
“Think of three things you’re proud of,” he advises. “Write down your top three ‘causes’ of stress. Then write down the best solution that applies to each. For each solution write down one, next tiny step towards handling it. Now your stress is on paper, out of mind, and you know what to do next.”
Great parents teach their kids how to do this process, often without knowing they're doing it. They become a safe place for their kids to process stress, and they share feedback to help them manage it. This sort of compassionate problem-solving is what makes a good parent truly great.
4. They're generous without expecting anything in return
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If your kids display generosity without expecting anything in return, you probably did a great job raising them. Generosity can be framed in a transactional way, meaning that a person offers their support only because they want something back for it. While this is common and appropriate in some settings, it's not the rare skill that unconditional generosity is.
As an expert at Mind Matters Psychology explains in an Instagram post, “Empathy isn’t just a natural trait. It’s actually a skill that can be learned, even towards people we don’t know.”
By teaching your kids that kindness is an action they can take, you actually help make the world a little bit better. Thank you!
5. They know how to assert themselves
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If your kids know how to respectfully assert themselves, you probably raised them right. You likely showed them how to set boundaries at a young age, which translated into how they conduct themselves as adults. They know their worth and they know how to protect their inner peace.
They know how to communicate their needs and apply the skills of self-advocacy in various situations, whether in a professional or personal setting. They set clear limits around how they want to be treated and what they’re willing to do for others. They know that casting their own needs aside is a sign of people-pleasing, which will only lead to resentment and frustration.
According to Katie Hurley, LCSW, you can't just tell a kid to "speak up" or "be assertive". These are not specific instructions and they cannot help a kid develop a skill. Instead, you can role-play, read stories that feature kids speaking up for themselves, model it and watch others' behavior when you're out and about.
6. They set long-term goals
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Setting long-term goals for themselves as adults is a crucial life skill that gives kids a huge advantage. If your kids are able to do this, it's likely you steered them away from the trap of instant gratification and taught them that putting time and effort into making their dreams a reality is worth the wait.
In setting goals, your kids don't hold themselves to standards that will be impossible to reach, because you helped them learn how to set realistic goals and then increase them until they feel fully satisfied with their work and achievements.
That's the best way to help a kid live according to their own system of values, which leads them toward being the best versions of themselves. They know what they want and they know how to put in the work to get there, which is a sign you did a really good job raising them.
7. They foster a sense of self-worth from within
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If your kids can foster a sense of self-worth from within, rather than relying on external validation, you did a good thing while raising them. You gave them a truly sustainable source of security, and that is truly exceptional.
Knowing how to source self-worth from within means your kids are aware that receiving praise from other people makes them feel good about themselves, they know that the path to true self-acceptance lies within.
An article published in “Frontiers in Psychology” cites a 1988 study that looked at how people make themselves feel better when facing a threat to their self-esteem. While some people relied on rationalizing their feelings, others boosted their self-esteem by thinking about the things that mattered most to them.
The study authors define this process as “self-affirmation,” noting that it involves “restoring one’s overall self-image through various strategies such as acts of kindness or generosity, focusing on one’s personal values or important social relationships or recalling one’s personal resources such as strengths and attributes, positive traits, skills and performances.”
As adults, your kids find meaning in the values they live by and the morals that guide them through. They feel inherently worthy and they know that they’re always enough, because you did a good job raising them to believe in themselves.
8. They can work collaboratively
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Being able to work collaboratively is one of the most important skills for both the workplace and relationships. Having this particular skill sets your kids up to lead a productive and successful life, both at work and in their personal relationships. That's because you, as a parent, taught them how combine what they think with other people’s ideas, balancing confidence in their own skills with the ability to see the best in others.
You taught them to have intellectual humility, which means they’re highly intelligent yet they recognize that they don’t know everything. They’re willing to try different approaches to solving problems and they’re always ready to engage in a conversation about their growth points.
This was learned by watching you, most likely, and by you encouraging them to think about problem in this way, so you clearly did an exceptional job raising your kids.
9. They prioritize their health
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If your kids prioritize their health, it's a good sign you taught them well. Because they cultivate good sleep hygiene, they wake up rested and restored. They eat meals that are nourishing to their bodies and souls and they exercise in ways that feel good for them.
Their focus on their well-being goes beyond tending to their physical health, as they take their mental health seriously, as well. They know there’s no shame in struggling with mental health and seeking out treatment when they need support. They allow themselves to love others and have fun, because finding joy in small moments is also part of being healthy.
Your kids learned that feeling whole means taking care of the entirety of their beings because you did a good job raising them.
10. They know how to give a real apology
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One of the most challenging skills for parents to effectively teach is that of the gracious apology. That's because most older generations were never taught how to say "I'm sorry" in meaningful ways. Too often, we fear people will see us as weak if we apologize.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Shelby Riley shares a step-by-step guide to formulating a true apology, starting with stating your mistake clearly and acknowledging that you did something wrong. Next, commit to changing for the future, so as to not repeat the same mistake. Explain what you’ll do differently next time and then, ask for forgiveness.
“You are not only giving your partner what he/she needs, but you are giving yourself the gift of accountability,” Riley explains. “You are healing the pain caused by your mistake. You are validating and respecting your partner, and you are growing into a healthier version of yourself.”
If you were able to teach your child this skill, you are probably an exceptional parent.
11. They express how they feel to the people they love
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If your kids express their true feelings to the people they love, you did an exceptional job raising them. They don’t wait for a special occasion, like an anniversary or a birthday, to let their loved ones know they are loved.
They share how they feel because they know that being vulnerable is the only way to stay deeply connected to others.
As Margaret Rose Gould wrote for Verywell Mind, "In a world that seems to prize independence and self-reliance, vulnerability often seems like a risk. But when it comes to our most important relationships, being able to open up and share the innermost aspects of ourselves is crucial for building intimate, trusting, supportive connections."
There are great benefits to teaching your kids to say how they feel, including them telling you how they feel about you!
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
