Not In The Mood For Sex? Here Are 3 Super-Hot Things To Do To Him INSTEAD

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not in the mood for sex

Let’s face it: sometimes you're simply not in the mood for sex. Being penetrated is an intense physical and emotional experience, and there are times when it's simply out of the question.

So, when your lover initiates sex, nudging up to you as you go to bed or seducing you in broad daylight, what are your options?

Most of the time, we simply dodge sex by declaring, "sorry, honey, I’m not in the mood." Most of us are in relationships where sexual intimacy of any kind tends to end with intercourse, and so if we are not in the mood for sex we avoid intimacy altogether.

This kind of avoidance can quickly lead to resentment and alienation from your partner. No one likes to feel rejected, and if you say "not tonight" too often you may end up, like about 20 percent of married couples, in a sexless marriage.

But you should never have sex when you're not in the mood. So what are your options when your partner is feeling lusty and you're not? Here are 3 foreplay alternatives to sex that will create intimacy and build trust with your lover, without requiring you to compromise your own needs or boundaries.

1. Exchange massages.

Massage is one of the most luxurious forms of intimacy, and when you know how to give your lover an amazing massage, it opens up whole new possibilities for erotic connection. If you're too stressed out for sex, perhaps your lover is willing to give you a relaxing back massage.

In just five or ten minutes, you can totally shift your body chemistry and may find that you're suddenly feeling lusty. Whether or not you end up making love, exchanging massages will give you the chance to connect physically with your lover, feel taken care of, and nourish both your body and your relationship.

2. Give him a blowjob.

If you're open to sharing an erotic experience but aren’t in the mood to be touched, take the opportunity to lavish him with attention. Taking turns giving and receiving is a powerful way to share a sexual experience without the pressure of reciprocity.

So if your man is in the mood and you're ready to take control and be the "giver," get him to relax in bed and make the agreement that just for now, touch is a one-way experience. He will feel the desire to touch you and this can create a strong craving that can be a delicious tease.

Next, touch his entire body, press your body into his, nibble and kiss him in all his favorite places. Then, take his pleasure into your own hands and give him a skilled, confident hand job. Stroke and caress him with a variety of moves, extend his arousal until he's quivering on the edge of release, and then look into his eyes and let him have it.

Giving your man one-way pleasure will do wonders for your relationship, and when you're in the mood for receiving pleasure you can invite him to return the favor. All too often, sex is understood to be a reciprocal, all-or-nothing proposal. Switch it up once in awhile and notice how much more frequently you’ll be able to exchange intense pleasure and share intimacy when the pressure for intercourse is released. 

3. Watch him masturbate.

Many men sneak off and masturbate in the shower or in front of their computer watching adult videos; their pleasure dampened by a vague sense of guilt or shame. This pattern can be toxic for relationships, so we encourage you to open your mind and invite him to stay in bed and pleasure himself while you watch.

This is a highly-charged activity but can offer tremendous intimacy, so give it a try and see if you don’t agree that watching a man touch himself can actually be really hot... and educational. As he touches himself, watch and learn from the kind of strokes he enjoys, the amount of pressure he uses and the timing of his orgasm.

This information will make you a better lover and your curious gaze will heighten his arousal. You can also choose to participate by snuggling up to him, kissing his neck and chest, or raking your nails over his skin.

Allowing him to enjoy his erotic pleasure in front of you communicates that his pleasure and satisfaction are important to you, and you support his right to express his sexual needs — even in those moments when you don’t want to actively participate.

Finding alternatives to sex will help keep your relationship hot and sexy, and may ironically lead to even more sex when you ARE in the mood.

By taking the time to honor your lover’s desire and find ways to connect intimately, while respecting your own needs and boundaries, you’ll build the kind of trust that allows a sizzling sex life to thrive over the years.


Ready to experience your full erotic potential? Visit for videos and ebooks offering proven techniques for more sexual pleasure. Learn couples massage, erotic touch techniques and strategies for a healthier, happier relationships.