Are you mean to the men you date? If so, well, don't expect results any time soon ... or EVER.
By Julie Ferman — Written on Jan 13, 2015
I believe that how we do one thing is how we do most things. If you do this one thing I'm about to tell you about ... and do it all day long, every day of your life, starting today, by the end of this year your life (and your dating life) will look entirely different.
This, ladies (and gentlemen), is a conversation about kindness.
First, the problem—I've been a professional matchmaker since 1990; I've met with and profiled thousands upon thousands of single men and women who are out there in the dating world. They are looking for love and hoping for a beautiful relationship to magically occur, to sweep them off into all of the romantic sunsets of the future.
And yet, here's what's bizarre from my perspective—I find that most people think they're nice, kind and overall good people. We all think we have a good sense of humor, we all think we're good drivers, and we all think we look younger than we are. But, you know what? Every day you and I see plenty of lousy driving; ill-humored, meanspirited behavior; and folks who really DO look their age.
My point? When it comes to viewing ourselves honestly, we're all a wee bit delusional; it's a protective device.
So, perhaps you think you're showing kindness in your single dating life. Am I right? Yet, you're still single. So, perhaps you need to dial it up a notch to genuinely being kind. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain, so start now and practice kindness at a whole new level.
The side benefit of practicing kindness is that you feel that much better about yourself, and radiate just a bit more confidence, which is the number one quality both men and women find attractive in the opposite sex. So, do this for others and for yourself!
Practice kindness in these ways (every day) and see what happens to your dating life:
- Always return emails, texts, and phone calls, even if the message you need to deliver is "No, thanks." Find kind, compassionate ways of saying "I'm sorry, I don't think we're a fit for each other, but I wish you well on your journey."
- Give the gift of your presence. When on a date or on the phone, with each person you are with—in business or in your personal life—be there fully. It's an act of generosity to give your undivided attention to the person you're with. Practice being here now, which means putting your phone away or turning it completely off, to really be with the person you're with.
- Express sincere appreciation for the time and energy that this person has invested in you, whether it be a simple email, a call or text, a first date or a series of dates. This person has given you the gift of time and attention. Say "thank you" and mean it.
- Practice generosity. Be willing, in fact eager, to invest your time, energy and resources in the dating process. Dating need not be expensive. Practice creative dating by thinking outside the restaurant box, and don't be attached to who pays for what. Give. Just give, without attachment or expectation.
- Stop the road rage. Who you are behind the wheel says it all. The guy who just cut you off on the freeway? The lady who just pulled into the parking spot that you were waiting for? On their dating profiles, they say they're "nice" people. Their behavior clearly demonstrates otherwise. Don't be that person!
Practice kindness in your daily affairs, every day of your life. Each email you send, each phone call you take or initiate, each human being you encounter on the sidewalks of your day's journey—these are your opportunities to practice being the kind, compassionate person to attract the best people in your life.
Don't do this to get something, do it just to be something; be someone a little better than you were the day before.
Wherever you are on the kindness spectrum, ratchet it up a notch and watch the positive impact it has on your love life, and on your experience of being human. Report back. I love hearing your stories.
If you're single, and you'd much rather be in love, register privately with me here, for free, to be eligible for personal matchmaking referrals throughout the U.S., Canada and beyond.