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Here's a tip: chronic male anger makes men less attractive and takes years off our lives.
By Jed Diamond — Written on Jul 25, 2018
I’ve been happily married to my wife, Carlin, now for nearly 40 years and wrote about our journey in a popular article, “The 5 Stages of Love.” But whether you’re happily married or still looking for the right partner, we all want to know how to become more attractive to women. And if you’re a heterosexual woman, you probably would like more men to become aware of these practices.
As a marriage and family counselor for nearly 50 years now, I’m always on the lookout for information that can help men communicate better with the women in their lives. One of my colleagues, Helen Fisher, helped me understand the scientific basis of how we can connect deeply.
Here’s an important tip.
1. Be aware of the universal signals that demonstrate a woman’s interest.
“First the woman smiles at her admirer and lifts her eyebrows in a swift, jerky motion as she opens her eyes wide to gaze at him. Then she drops her eyelids, tilts her head down and to the side, and looks away. Frequently she also covers her face with her hands, giggling nervously as she retreats behind her palms. This sequential flirting gesture is so distinctive that the famous ethologist Irenaus Eibl-Eibesfeldt was convinced it is innate, a human female courtship ploy that evolved eons ago to signal sexual interest.”
When I first met Carlin, I missed the signals and almost missed my chance at happiness. She finally had to pull me aside and tell me directly. “Listen, I’ve been dropping my hankie repeatedly and you don’t seem to be noticing. What’s the matter with you?”
2. Look for someone who is in the same attractiveness-league as you.
Everyone wants to be with someone they consider attractive, but too many people feel they are a “5” but go after someone they consider a “10.” I’m not just talking about physical attractiveness here. We all have various qualities that make us attractive, but men—and women—are attracted to people who are as attractive as they are.
If we reach too far beyond our own level, we run the risk of being rejected. Even if we win her, we’re forever worried she’ll run off with someone more attractive.
3. Don’t get too hung up on the biologically-based sexual attractors.
Even after Carlin and I connected, spent time together, and fell in love, we began to withdraw from each other. When we realized it, we began to talk. “To be honest,” she told me, “the fact that I’m two inches taller than you bothers me. It shouldn’t matter, but it does.” I shared my own truth. “Yes, and the fact that you’re 5-½ years older than me shouldn’t bother me, but it does.”
Instead of bailing out, we decided to deal with our discomfort and found we could live and love in spite of the discomfort of height and age differences.
4. Look older.
No, I didn’t add this one just because I’m an older man. A study of 3,770 heterosexual adults suggested that women often prefer older men. As the women became more financially independent, they said they liked older guys even more.
“We think this suggests greater financial independence gives women more confidence in partner choices, and attracts them to powerful, attractive older men,” lead author and University of Dundee psychologist, Fionna Moore, said.
5. Grow a light beard.
I’ve had short, nice looking beard, for a long time. One day, I got tired of it and shaved it off without consulting my wife. Hey, it’s my face, I should do what I want with it, right? My wife nearly divorced me. I was surprised. She thinks nothing of changing her hairstyle whenever the feeling moves her. But the science supports her feelings about facial hair.
In a 2013 study from researchers at the University of New South Wales, researchers had 177 heterosexual men and 351 heterosexual women look at images of 10 men in one of four conditions: clean-shaven, light stubble, heavy stubble, or full beard. Participants rated the men pictured on several traits, including attractiveness. The women said the most attractive beard length was heavy stubble. “Facial hair correlates not only with maturity and masculinity, but also with dominance and aggression,” write authors, Barnaby J. Dixson and Robert C. Brooks.
6. Be kind.
The image of the no-nonsense, assertive, supremely confident man is one I used to aspire to until I realized that this guy was often irritable and angry and not very nice. I had associated being nice and kind with being wimpy and henpecked. Psychologist Scott Barry Kaufman cites research indicating that when men are kind they are actually seen as more attractive. My wife, Carlin, would attest to that.
Chronic male anger not only makes men less attractive, but it harms their relationship and even takes years off our lives. I wrote an ebook, “The Hidden Reasons Men Get Angry at Women,” and you can get your free copy here.
Men and women process emotions differently. And it isn’t just what we say, but how we say it that can cause problems. It isn’t always easy being kind when we’re under stress, but it’s worth the effort to learn.
Jed Diamond is a licensed psychotherapist with a Ph.D. in International Health and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Join him on your journey to becoming (or loving) a better man.
This article was originally published at Men Alive. Reprinted with permission from the author.