Relax, he loves you!
By Evan Marc Katz — Written on Sep 28, 2017
After 15 years as a dating coach, I’ve learned one vital thing about women that I didn’t fully understand before: You REALLY don’t want to waste time and get hurt by men.
When searching for dating advice in the middle of the night, women Google things like:
- “How can I tell if a guy loves me?”
- “When should I know if he’s going to commit?”
- “How long should I wait for him to become my boyfriend?”
I know this because half of my blog traffic (10 million people in 2016) comes from Google searches just like the ones above.
And that’s why I see it as a public service to offer you a definitive answer to how to avoid wasting time and getting hurt again.
If you’re seeing a guy and he’s not doing these 8 things, you should probably start looking for another guy who does. You deserve it.
Without further ado, here are eight signs you’re in a relationship with a man who is falling in love with you (so you can relax and enjoy!):
1. He makes future plans quickly after seeing you.
What’s the best predictor of whether a guy is into you?
It’s not about the chemistry you had on the date. It’s not about the incredible sex afterward.
The surest way to know whether a man is serious about you is how quickly he follows up after the date to make plans again.
Men who are excited about you act excited. Men who are ambivalent about you act ambivalent.
You deserve a boyfriend who is excited about you.
Don’t settle for the once-a-week guy beyond, say, the first six weeks of dating. If he isn’t your boyfriend by then, he’s not going to be.
2. He texts/emails/calls every single day.
Beware of any man who doesn’t reach out to you every single day. Either he doesn’t want to connect with you that often or he hasn’t been told that it’s important to you.
It should be.
When I was first dating my wife, she said, “I know you’re really busy at work and get caught up in your own stuff, but it would make me really happy if you’d just call me before you went to bed, just to say good night.”
“Sometimes I have nothing to say,” I grumbled.
She said, “That’s okay. Even if it’s just 30 seconds, it’s better than nothing and it makes me feel connected.”
I thought about it and realized that this was a totally reasonable request that cost me nothing to honor. So I did.
That was 10 years ago. We still talk every night before we go to sleep.
3. He makes plans with you in advance every weekend.
Your boyfriend doesn’t booty call you.
Your boyfriend doesn’t text you at 10 pm on Saturday night, “What R U doing now?”
Your boyfriend doesn’t wait until the weekend is over to wonder what you did.
The man you want may be busy, but he always prioritizes you and makes you feel special.
That means he looks at his calendar, figures out his schedule, and commits in advance to spending at least one weekend night and one weekend day with you.
Sure, there are exceptions when you live long-distance or share custody of your kids with an ex, but, in general, if you don’t have plans to see your boyfriend every weekend, what exactly makes him your boyfriend?
4. He wants to be sure you’re not seeing anyone else.
Not in a jealous way. Not in a creepy stalker way. But when you’re dating a man who thinks you have long-term potential, it’s in his best interest to try and claim you for himself.
You’ve seen this in men who declare their intentions prematurely — like, right on the first date — which generally makes them seem somewhere between clueless and desperate.
However, if you’re trying to gauge a man’s interest, you have a far greater chance of forging a relationship with a man who wants you all to himself than with a guy who has been texting you for a few months and given no indication that he wants a commitment.
Speaking of wanting a commitment, here’s another way to tell if he’s serious boyfriend material:
5. He calls himself your boyfriend.
It doesn’t matter what age you are. It doesn’t matter if you think the term sounds like it belongs in high school. The fact is that the title of “boyfriend” matters.
I once had a client who was seeing a guy three times a week for six months. He was very much acting like a boyfriend. Still, he refused to call himself her boyfriend. When I pressed my client to ask him about it, she said she didn’t want to put pressure on him.
I told her that a good, marriage-oriented man WANTS the title of boyfriend and all that comes with it — the trust, the commitment, and the responsibility to take care of you.
Sure enough, when my client told her guy that she didn’t want any more time from him, but just wanted the safety and security of being a “girlfriend,” he broke up with her.
This was a sign that she was wasting her time with the wrong man — one who didn’t seize the opportunity to claim her when he had the chance.
6. He sleeps with you regularly.
Believe it or not, men are not all about sex. Men have relationships with women to meet their emotional needs, too. And far too often, I have seen women who were playing the part of girlfriend without any of the sexual gratification.
Maybe he’s your best friend. Maybe he’s just out of a divorce. Maybe he’s seeing someone else and telling you about it.
All I know is that a relationship without sex is just a friendship.
Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with having guy friends, but if you feel like the “emotional booty call” - the friend who gives him everything he needs except sex, it probably means that you’re missing some attraction to take things to the next level.
Find yourself a new guy — one who wants to sleep with you.
7. He talks about a future with you.
Dating exclusively doesn’t guarantee a future. Neither does “being in love.” The most foolproof way to know if a guy is thinking about a future, therefore, is pretty obvious:
He talks about a future with you!
You don’t have to prod him, interrogate him, or say things like, “So where do you see yourself five years from now?”
If you’re dating a man who wants to be married, he’ll talk about marriage. If you’re dating a man who wants kids, he’ll talk about kids. Naturally. Organically. Free of coercion.
You can’t make a guy want to get married, but if a guy is marriage-oriented and he’s currently dating you, it would be highly unusual if he never mentioned it.
Related: How To Tell If A Guy Likes You
8. He says “I love you.”
Those three magic words are powerful, aren’t they?
We’ve all declared our love for someone who was truly unfit for marriage. Instant attraction and connection will do that for you.
And while saying “I love you,” isn’t a promise of a future, NOT saying “I love you” is a troubling sign.
Of course, some guys aren’t expressive. Some guys are afraid of sharing their feelings. Some guys take longer to say those words “just to be sure.”
So don’t be afraid to speak your mind and say “I love you” when you feel it. But if it’s been a year and he’s never declared his love for you, you have to wonder: “Shouldn’t I have a boyfriend who says he loves me?”
Yes. Yes, you should.
Now, don’t break up with some great guy just because he doesn’t do one thing on this list — men are imperfect and sometimes need to be taught how to treat you — but I do encourage you to ensure your needs of safety, security, and long-term commitment are being met.
You can have an incredible relationship with a commitment-minded man who loves you, but not if you ignore the signs listed above.
Evan Marc Katz is a dating coach for smart women who have everything but the guy. Click here to discover three reasons you’re guaranteed to fall in love and live happily ever after.