How To Communicate In A Way That Won't Scare Him Away

Love, Self

Why over-communicating at the start of a relationship is a seriously bad idea.

Experts claim women naturally talk three times as much as men do. So when you start a new relationship or soon after a first date, you might be tempted to be in touch with your guy frequently. While you may think this demonstrates your interest and is a normal way of getting to know someone, is that how a man feels, too? Or does your enthusiastic communication turn off your new beau and sabotage your chances for love?

As a dating coach, I've met many women guilty of exhibiting self-sabotaging behaviors. There are several reasons why you might do things that push a man away:

  • You didn’t grow up with a healthy relationship model, so you aren't sure how to act
  • You might be insecure, not fully grasping what a great catch you are
  • You aren’t patient enough to let things unfold in their own time
  • You’re actually afraid of intimacy and the love you say you want

Can you relate to any of the above ideas about why your behavior might ruin your chances of finding love?

Let me better describe what I mean by "over-communicating." One of my clients, Ruth, met a great guy named Brian and the two seemed to hit it off. He texted her after the first date and they started a fun conversation. Ruth had to leave on a business trip and the thought came to her, "I can stay in touch by texting and telling him what I’m doing while traveling to help us get to know each other."

Now, this is a logical line of thinking, but unfortunately, it didn’t hold up. As it turns out, an occasional text was fine with Brian. But, the last thing he bargained for was a never-ending account of Ruth’s travel activities after just one date. She got carried away and over-communicated with Brian, turning off a new man with great potential.

Another common scenario that can happen after a great first date is when the guy doesn’t call again as quickly as expected. So you message to see how he is and assume he’ll be happy to hear from you since your first date was so enjoyable. However, please keep in mind, a man knows how to contact you ... so if he doesn’t, that also tells you something.

Not communicating is a form of communication—he’s telling you that he’s not that interested. The best step you can take here is to do nothing and let it go.

Working with male clients has been very eye-opening for me, I’ve learned a lot about men and their ideas about communication. At the start of the dating process, when you contact a man, you are potentially invading his privacy. It’s like showing up at his door uninvited. For many men, their immediate reaction will be to take a big step back or withdraw entirely. The more you reach out to connect and draw him in, the more he’ll hide and steer clear of you.

You want to allow a man to connect with you first. This gives men space, which they appreciate. When you hang back, you give a guy a chance to get curious about you. He might start to wonder what you are up to and if you might be thinking about him. This is why a confident woman rarely calls the man. She knows a man who is interested will put in the effort to reach out to her.

When you over communicate, you appear desperate, needy or lacking in confidence. All that texting or calling sends the message that you need his constant reassurance, which is simply not attractive. For the most part, men do not want women to pursue them. It tends to make a masculine man feel crowded, invaded or chased. If he feels that way, he will disappear.

Many women feel compelled to talk to a man who is pulling away. You might feel driven to find out what’s going on so you can understand. But this approach will backfire because it makes you seem needy or desperate as explained above.

So, what does work?
The best thing you can do is follow a man’s lead, wait for him to connect and then respond. This might not be true in every single instance but, it certainly is appropriate in the vast majority of the cases.

Another simple rule of thumb that can help you govern how much you initiate conversation is to follow the 3:1 ratio. This applies to texts, email and phone calls. Ideally, you only text or call once for every three times that your date does. I don’t expect you to keep count, but you’ve got to trust me on this one.

See, men get invested in you when they need to win you over. If you are always there, texting, calling, etc. he can see immediately that you are captivated. That ends the chase and douses the fire. There is no more tension or wondering if you’re into him and that takes the fun out of the chase.

Yes, in 2014, the chase is still alive even with all the gender equality that has been achieved. Men still want pursuing you to be their idea. To keep this undercurrent and spark going, avoid over communicating. It’s as simple as that.

Don’t touch your keyboard, put down your phone, close your laptop and let him contact you. When he has to seek you out, you become more attractive. If by some chance your date doesn’t contact you, then that’s his way of letting you know he is NOT the man for you.

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