15 Subtle Signs He’s Not Into You (And Why)

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couple walking in the snow
Heartbreak

Everybody knows that sometimes you find yourself beginning to fall in love with someone who clearly doesn’t like you the way you do them.

He sees you as a friend or not his type. You remind him of his sister, or worse, his aunt from Ohio. He doesn’t feel a connection or maybe he’s intimidated.

There are also the more subtle signs he's not into you.

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These signs aren’t always obvious to women and this sets the table for frustration. The last thing someone wants to do is invest in time, money, and lipstick for a man with whom they have no future.

To quote any woman who has ever gone on a less-than-stellar date, "I shaved my legs for this?"

However, knowing the warning signs he doesn't like you in a romantic way can allow a woman to get out of the relationship before they waste anything of themselves.

So, what are the hints, the signals, the clues? What tells a woman that he is not that into you and it’s time to go find someone who is?

The telltale signs he's not into you start with the following:

1. He won't connect (actually see you) more than twice a week.

Of all the signs he’s not into you, this is probably the biggest.

Yet remember, connecting doesn’t mean calling or texting; in fact, some men who aren’t into you will text you with frequency. It takes minimal effort, after all.

If you’re not actually seeing your man more than twice or week (excluding a long-distance relationship), then it’s time to tear up his dance card and go tango with someone new.

2. He's not open or vulnerable with you.

No one likes to wear their vulnerability on their sleeve, but this is especially true for men (it gets in the way when they flex). But there is power in vulnerability for one main reason: it leads to connection. If you want to know someone, really know someone, then you have to get past the fab into the flaws. That’s where love begins.

But, there is a catch: if he is revealing his vulnerabilities but using those vulnerabilities as a way to dodge spending time together, that’s also a clue. The old "I’m too stressed out to meet up with you" is about as telling as "Sorry, I’m busy every Friday night until 2061."

3. He won't introduce you to his friends.

If he's not bringing you into his life and giving you the chance to meet his friends and family it’s not because he thinks you’re the one. Rather, it's because he doesn’t envision a future with you.

And don’t take this personally because it’s not always about you: he might not envision a future with anyone.

4. You relate on a one-dimensional level.

If you and the man you are seeing relate to each other on one level, it simply means that you’re only involved with him on that level (and nothing more).

Maybe you always visit each other’s houses, but you never go on a trip. Or maybe you hang out at the pool hall but haven't met each other’s parents. Maybe you hang out with each other at the dog park but never go on a proper date.

If you’re dating in some type of restrictive box, it’s time to bust that package open. Otherwise, you risk hanging around in the friend zone, wasting your time, and missing out when someone better for you comes along.

5. He's not including you in his future plans.

If a man is making future plans that don’t include you, then he’s not the Mr. to your Mrs. This doesn’t need to be anything extreme: he doesn’t need to be planning to move to Africa or quit his job and backpack across Europe.

If he’s not doing something basic like asking you what your plans are for the upcoming months, he’s not committed. And, of course, you shouldn’t be either: you’re plan-worthy. Thus, find someone who wants to make plans with you next week, next month, and next year.

6. You're doing all the chasing.

Doing all the chasing is a practice in futility (but hopefully you’re at least wearing your Fitbit). If a man is into you, he’ll initiate things — dates, conversations, commitments (i.e., not just sex).

If you’re the only one who’s ever trying to move your relationship forward, then he’s holding it back. And he’s holding you back in the process.

7. He only ever talks about himself.

He has no problem sharing things about his life and his problems with you. But the second you open up about what's going on with you, he leaves you on read. 

A guy who's into you will care about everything you have to say, no matter how trivial it may seem. Otherwise, he's just using you as a sounding board.

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8. He doesn't match your energy.

If he gives you short, generic answers to your thoughtful questions or you have to ask him to do things for you that a person who actually cares about you would already be doing, he's probably not that into you.

9. He says he's not looking for a relationship.

This is him telling you he's not into you without directly telling you he's not into you. Instead, he's insinuating that he's not interested in any relationship.

This may or may not be the truth, but either way, it's not what you want in a guy — you deserve more.

10. He cancels on you a lot.

Sometimes things come up and plans have to change. But if you're noticing that suddenly all of your dates have to be rescheduled (and never happen at all), he's purposely not making time for you.

11. He doesn't get jealous if you talk to other people.

If a guy is into you, he's going to be a little hurt if you make it known that you're seeing other people. But if he acts like he doesn't care or even encourages you to go on other dates, it's one of the biggest signs he's not looking for anything serious with you.

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12. He's inconsistent.

One day you'll text nonstop, but the next day he takes hours on end to give you nothing but one-word responses (if you get a response at all). Remember that a guy who likes you will always do his best to make time for you.

13. He doesn't remember things about you.

Anything you tell him goes in one ear and out the other. Not only is it frustrating to have to repeat yourself all the time, but it's also a clue that he doesn't consider you an important piece of his life.

14. Your gut is telling you that he's not into you.

Your instinct is usually right. Don't be afraid to listen to your intuition and ask him straight up how he feels about you.

15. He tells you point-blank that he's not into you or he's not into the relationship.

Okay, you don’t need a decoder ring to solve this riddle: if a man tells you he’s not into you, he’s not.

Again, this might have nothing to do with you: you may be a great catch. But greatness isn’t always enough. If a man feels as though he can’t give you what you need, for instance, he will pull away.

Sometimes, this might seem like a matter of biding your time and waiting for him to grow. But, the one thing everyone in the dating world knows is this: you can’t change someone. Only they can do that.

Many men make this clear from the get-go: they’re looking for something less serious than you are. This is important to recognize early on in relationships. If he’s giving you this signal, listen. If you want something more than he can offer, leave.

There are all kinds of reasons he just might not be feeling it. 

Rejection is never easy, but it's important to try your very best not to take it personally. The reasons he's not into you might not have anything to do with you at all. 

For example, he might simply be too busy for a relationship. Or maybe he's not certain about what he wants. In these cases, he's actually doing you a favor and saving you from potential future heartbreak. 

Even if he does think that you're just not the right fit for him, that doesn't mean you're not the right fit for anyone. It's just time to move on. Keep putting yourself out there and you will find the one for you.

So what are the subtle signs he's into you?

All this said, how can you know for sure that a guy does like you? We're not always great at openly portraying how we really feel, so here are just a few subtle signs he's into you.

1. He gives you his full attention.

2. He trips over his words around you. 

3. He walks beside you.

4. His pupils dilate when he looks at you.

5. He leans towards you when you're having a conversation.

6. He smiles a lot around you.

7. He makes eye contact with you.

8. He looks at your mouth when you talk. 

9. He compliments you often. 

10. He cares about what you think.

RELATED: 10 Little Things That Show You He Cares Way More Than Saying 'I Love You'

Clayton Olson is an International Relationship Coach, Master NLP Practitioner, and Facilitator who delivers private virtual coaching sessions and leads online group workshops. Register for his free webinar that reveals the 3 Keys to Attracting and Keeping a High-Quality Man or grab his free guide 8 Secrets To Create A Rock Solid Relationship.