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How To Bring Up The DTR Chat With Your Guy, Step-By-Step

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Love

The ultimate guide to finding out where you stand.

There comes a point in a relationship when you start asking yourself: “Is this going somewhere? What are 'we?' Are we exclusive?”

These relationship questions are universal ones. No matter your age, stage in life, background, or culture, getting to “we” for a couple must happen at some point — or not. When is the right time to define the relationship (DTR)?

This questioning often takes place after about a month or two of regular dating, but it depends on the frequency and intensity of your time together. Some relationships move at lightning speed. If you’ve been spending large chunks of time together for a couple of weeks, that might be the time to DTR and confirm how things are progressing with you two.

Perhaps you’ve been going on dates every weekend for a few months and you’ve noticed your guy is still on the dating site you met on. You wonder, “Does he want to date other people? Isn’t he into me enough to shut down that app?”

One of my clients had been sleeping with a guy a few nights a week but wasn’t sure whether he was just into her for the physical stuff, or if there was more to it. She was afraid to trust her own instincts.

Unfortunately, when she decided it was time to bring up the DTR chat with her guy, she started the conversation with, “We need to talk.” Almost nobody will want to have a conversation with you if you start things off that way — let alone want to DTR. It sets the scene for confrontation and anxiety with the other person thinking, “Brace yourself, this is not going to be fun!”

That client is now working on setting healthy boundaries for herself, how to spot “the one,” and how to communicate her needs before she gets involved with the next guy.


RELATED: If He Says These 13 Things, Your Guy Is A Total Keeper


To DTR or Not — That Is The Question

Some experts suggest avoiding defining your relationship (“DTR”) altogether. They say, let things evolve and if you’re meant to be an item, one day it will be obvious to you both. Why put pressure on the situation by having an uncomfortable DTR chat?

Sometimes you can completely avoid the DTR convo if you get to know someone well in the first few dates. Talk about your values, get a sense of past relationships, what commitment looks like to them and what they want this time around.

Become a love detective, and it may help to avoid surprises later.

Most guys would rather walk on coal than have a DTR chat. Why is that? First, men tend to be slower at figuring out what they want from a relationship. Perhaps women are biologically predisposed to seek relationship security. Often, there is a plan, a biological clock, and a need to protect our future offspring, etc. Why waste precious time and resources?

Second, women tend to do a horrible job at trying to DTR. They bring it up too early, at the wrong time, make judgments, and demands. I asked Fred what turns guys off and he said, “The last thing I want is the girl to come off as needy, desperate or intense.”

Hot and heavy only works between the sheets. If you come across as pushy, you could make your new guy question how he feels, or worse, scare him away.

And that would be a total shame, especially you’ve really hit it off and think you have what it takes to form a strong connection. He could have even been the one.

If you take the pressure off and allow your connection to unfold, you may experience the best feeling of two people falling into coupledom.

One day, my boyfriend told me about a conversation he’d had with someone. In the story to this other guy, he had referred to me as his girlfriend. That’s how I officially knew how he saw me and it felt good. That said, sometimes you need to manage the noise inside your head, abandon the need for labels, and trust your intuition.

The bottom line is, don’t let defining the relationship paralyze you.

As my boyfriend explains, “Women need to really consider why they need to put a label on the relationship. The real clues about how a guy feels about you are in the listening, not in the labels,” he says. “Try to connect with him deeply, show him how much you appreciate him, and you’ll get your clarity.”

If you’re planning to get intimate, or if you’ve already been, you might consider having the DTR chat. The order is up to you, but sex can certainly complicate things! And, of course, never assume that if you’re hooking up that you’re exclusive.

You also might try to define the relationship when things feel off balance, if you feel like you’re giving more, feeling more than him — or if you’ve accidentally called him your boyfriend. That’s the time to clear the air or get clear.

If you’re happy the way things are evolving, there may be no need to DTR. But, if you’re the type who lives by clarity and structure, this “wait and see” approach likely won’t work for you. You are going to need to get closure on whether this guy is your boyfriend or not.

And, as frightening as it might seem to define your relationship, you don’t have to botch the conversation.


RELATED: 5 Ways To Get Better At Trusting Yourself (Which Is Key To Getting What You Need!)


How To DTR, Step-By-Step

If you feel compelled to have the talk, here are some constructive ways to go about it to get the answers you need:

1. Do some reflection and consider what you hope to get out of the DTR convo.

Get clear about your purpose for having the chat and ask yourself these questions:

  • What is the outcome I want?
  • How do I feel about this guy? Could he be the one? How do I know?
  • Do I have any reservations about this guy and our relationship so far? Do I trust him?
  • What is it prompting me to define the relationship now?
  • If I don’t get a clear signal after this chat, how much am I willing to invest to see where this will go?
  • What are my boundaries? Am I ok with him seeing other women?
  • How am I likely to react if I don’t get the outcome I’m seeking?
  • Is he an introvert or extrovert? Will he need time to process the DTR chat?
  • What do I know — including my intuition about how he feels about me?

Only by honestly exploring what you want and need from this relationship and how you feel – plus the clues you’ve been given about how he feels, you won’t know for sure if you even need a chat.

You might even reconsider your own position on DTR — maybe you’ll be convinced that it’s not even required, or you need more time to assess if he is right for you.  If that’s the case, why invite awkwardness? Leave it alone, and either enjoy the status quo or let things naturally fizzle out.

2. Prepare for the chat carefully — deciding when, where, how and what to say.

Enter Janet. She had been getting some mixed signals from the guy she’d been dating for a month. He was coming across as very aloof in his texts and it made her heart race with a combination of apprehension and anger.

Even though you may be tempted to ask your guy questions during a text chat, beware: This could lead to even more of a misunderstanding and could seriously backfire. Fortunately, Janet called me instead of texting her new man, Geoffrey. I suggested to her that she avoid jumping to conclusions and be in a clear state of mind when she spoke to him about defining their relationship.

In person, she was able to connect with him on a deeper level, break down his walls, and read his body language. He got vulnerable with her and she learned what his relationship triggers were. That DTR chat was the start of a greater understanding between them and they’ve been going strong ever since.

3. The best time to have any big conversation is when neither one of you has anything planned for a while afterward.

For some reason, important talks seem to go better with guys in the afternoon. Avoid the midnight hour unless he’s a night owl, as he’s bound to be overtired and anything seemingly pushy will be overblown.

4. The ideal location is anywhere private where you can be alone in a relaxed atmosphere.

Avoid restaurants or public places — not that it’s going to go badly, and you’ll have to worry about staring faces, but you do want limited distractions and no time pressures. Usually, at home — his or yours — works well.  Considering DTR while you’re doing something he likes or afterward, such as watching TV, playing a game or taking a walk.

5. If you’re sitting down, sit beside him or kitty corner.

I’ve been telling my clients to do this for years. Whether it’s an interview, a performance review, a relationship chat — or any potentially difficult conversation, you’ll avoid a "me vs. you" attitude and you’ll be psychologically on the same side of the problem.

6. Finally, you should figure out what you’re going to say.

If it helps you to organize your thoughts, write them out. Then, practice your top three messages. When the time comes, you will be more confident, and you won’t stumble from nervousness.

Remember, though, that as prepared as you are, the chat is unlikely going to go as planned. it’s not a one-way speech after all; it’s a dialogue. Expect the unexpected.

7. Get in the zone beforehand.

Before you get together for your DTR chat, make sure you set aside some time for yourself. Meditate or do some deep breathing for a few minutes, go for a walk, exercise or do something that you enjoy. Get yourself in a mental place to communicate at your best and be ready for the outcome.

8. Introduce the DTR chat casually.

Ease into the conversation, without any announcements that it’s a talk about the relationship. The best way to start is to tell your guy how you feel about what’s been happening between you and see what happens. “I’m having a lot of fun with you” or “I really enjoy spending time together.” Pause. Then wait for a response. If he freezes up, or says, “thank you” ask a follow up question: “What do you think? Or, “How do you think things are going?”

An acquaintance of mine, Ken, told me about the time his girlfriend Sara, brought up DTR. “It was so painless – not the way other girls had done it. We were at my place watching tennis – my favourite sport, and just goofing around when she said matter-of-factly, “I like you. I’m not hooking up with anyone else.” I said, “neither am I. And with that we laughed and that was the end of it!”

Make the conversation as relaxed and sincere as it can be, and you won’t come off as pushy.

9. Be flexible to continue the dialogue later.

If you’ve lobbed the ball by pronouncing how you feel about your relationship and your beau doesn’t respond right away, it may just mean he needs more time to think or perhaps he was caught off guard. He may be so into the flow of your relationship that he hasn’t stepped back to think about classifying you guys. Another option is that he’s an introvert who wants to think it through before sharing his thoughts.

Asking to regroup doesn’t mean he is not interested in you. It’s an important conversation, so don’t rush it. If you push him into a corner to respond now -on the spot, he just might say no thank you.

Ask him to let you know a good time to continue your chat, and in the meantime, stay positive and focused on building a strong bond with him.

10. Communicate clearly.

Share how you view the situation, and your feelings using “I” statements, such as “I like where this is going” that leads to “I want to see only you.” Or, “It feels like we’re boyfriend/girlfriend.”

From there, the discussion may go deeper and it’s best to continue with the “I” statements. Avoid starting your sentences with “You,” which could come across as accusatory.

Since most guys get freaked out by the words “exclusive” or “commitment,” steer clear of these, too, and instead state the behaviors you’re looking for.

11. Most of all, be honest and authentic.

If seeing him interacting on dating apps stresses you out, tell him so. Say, “It’s important to know that I’m the only one you’re dating.” Be forewarned, if he has reservations about being exclusive with you right now, and he feels pressured by you in this conversation, he’s just going to continue with the apps, no matter what he says to you now.  

Tell him about how you got burned before so that he understands your context. He will get you a little more, but ultimately, he must communicate his truth to you also.

12. Listen and be curious.

When your guy talks, really listen. Listen to the words that he says and listen to what he doesn’t say – and his body language. Listen for what’s important to him. Listen with compassion and your whole self.

Be sure to pause after each statement or open-ended question you make. Let him process it and then allow him to respond in his own time. A little silence can be your friend in the DTR chat!
If he says he’s looking to have fun, believe him. At the same time, be careful about making assumptions. If you’re unclear or want to go deeper, ask follow-up questions that start with “How” or “What.” “Why” questions imply judgment and they are definitely on the ‘do not ask’ list.

Acknowledge his comments so he knows you’re listening. For example, “That’s important to you,” or “From what you’ve told me…” He’ll see how open and considerate you are, and that will go a long way in building the kind of relationship that’s sustainable.

13. Consider compromises.

Your guy may not give you the confirmation you want right now. If you really like this guy and think you could have a future together, put on your problem-solving hat.

Recap the situation. For example, “You really like spending time with me and you are not ready to stop seeing other people just yet. At the same time, I need to know that I’m the only one you’re sleeping with. What can we do to meet half way? Hopefully, as you prepared for this chat, you’ve already thought about what you can live with.

14. Maintain your boundaries.

If you’ve given him a chance to share his views and there isn’t room for compromise on your part, that’s ok. Tell him what you’re not willing to budge on. For example, if he refuses to stop seeing other women (and the thought of it makes you sick to your stomach), tell him that won’t work for you. Suggest that you take a break or remain as friends.

Don’t ever put his needs ahead of your standards and self-respect.

15. Remain unattached to the outcome.

Stay focused on why you wanted to have the chat in the first place. Getting answers means just that; not the answer you want but the actual answer.

As uncomfortable as it might be, put your heart out there and be ready to accept the outcome of this DTR chat.  

And if he ends up not being able to give you the things you want, realize it’s time to move on. After all, life’s too short to waste your time on a guy who isn’t able or willing to meet you halfway. In the end, it’s better to be clear now then get hurt later. Heal now and get ready for the next guy who wants to make it official with you.


RELATED: 5 Questions To Ask A Man To Make Him Feel Truly Loved By You


Follow these tips and make the discussion a non-event, that is, a non-disruptive event in your relationship. You’ll get the answers you’re seeking – no matter the outcome. Put your doubts to rest and move forward. Who knows, maybe your guy was secretly hoping you would bring it up!

Lisa Petsinis is a certified life coach who works with resourceful women to achieve healthier relationships with themselves and others. Connect with her at www.LisaPetsinis.com to set up a free Relationship Rescue call, get her free guide, Is He The One?, or sign up for her newsletter for even more advice.

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