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He suffered years of bullying and abuse.
By Zayda Slabbekoorn — Written on Jan 01, 2023
Many people face complex and toxic relationships with their parents, but for LGBTQ+ youth, oftentimes it’s incredibly difficult — especially with a homophobic parent.
This Reddit user shared a story about his toxic relationship with his homophobic mother, her passing, and the eventual funeral.
On Reddit’s "r/AmItheA--hole" (AITA) subreddit, this user trekked through his history with his mother — ultimately up to the end of her life, asking if he was truly "the a–-hole" or not for stepping away from funeral planning.
After his homophobic mother passed away, his siblings were furious when he turned a blind eye.
"She was a bully to me and hated my guts as long as I can remember," he wrote. "She gave me a horrific childhood."
While his other siblings were at her bedside when she passed, he made a very confident choice to stay far away.
Not only was he haunted by years and years of his mother refusing to care for him, but he was forced to recall watching her completely change towards his siblings — giving them all the love he never got.
"Not sure if it was the fact I was the kid who look so much like Dad, the fact that she was young when got pregnant with me and resented me for it," he retold, "or whether I was just unlucky."
After years of torture and bullying, he finally left his childhood home to escape his homophobic mother.
“I never told her I was gay,” he admits, while also alluding to a childhood haunted by what his mother already seemed to know.
“I got to hear all the time that I ruined her life, that she wished she had aborted me, that she dreamed of my dying and getting relief knowing she’d never have to see me again.”
After enduring 15 years of bullying, he finally left his mother’s home — living with friends until he was of age to live alone.
“I hadn’t seen her since my 20th birthday,” he recalled, “when she showed up with my siblings and told me she wanted to puke just looking at me.”
Relief runs through generations — it was just the same line he used to describe his mother’s passing.
“Knowing she’s gone, knowing that the woman who hated me for reasons out of my control, who made sure I knew how much she never wanted me,” he wrote, “filled me with such a feeling of relief.”
'That woman was not my mother,' he responded to his siblings' pleas to contribute to the funeral and obituary.
“My siblings are heartbroken,” he wrote. “They want me to be involved.”
What he remembers is not what they do — while they were making family memories, he was living on his own remembering the trauma from his homophobic mother.
“She was a great mother to them and that was fine,” he said, “but she was evil to me…I was not some grieving son and was not spending a single second giving her a nice send-off, or spending a single cent on it either.”
When he insisted on being left of his mother’s obituary, his siblings were distraught.
“They got mad. Told me it should be split between all of us. They had already planned her obituary…I told them to get my name off [of it].”
Not only was it a contribution of support, but the siblings expected an equal financial contribution for funeral costs.
Feeling like he was taking his anger out on them, the siblings refused to give up their fight on forcing him to contribute.
“I told them to pretend we’re half-siblings,” he finally said after a constant berating from his siblings, “and I have a different mother out there if it helps.”
They said that the “least I could do” was contribute for them, that it’s been difficult for them to lose their mom — almost as difficult as living in an abusive household and having a bully as a mom.
“They get mad and tell me I am treating them badly. AITA?”
Commenters believe he’s not the a–-hole and think his siblings are continuing on his homophobic mother’s abuse.
“They don’t care about you. Only the money.” one user suggests.
Another commenter says, “They are so out of line. I am sorry you didn’t get the mother you deserved. Mute them on your phone…Enjoy the holidays with your loving family, hubs, and kiddos.”
“Tell them that they know your mother abused you, and by harassing you and trying to coerce you into being involved, they are continuing her abuse,” another said,” Then block their numbers.”
He made a confident choice to stay far away from his mother, even after her death, and his siblings should understand and honor the way that he feels.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a news and entertainment writer who focuses on pop culture analysis and human interest stories. Catch up with them on Instagram or TikTok.