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Bride Secretly Uninvites Fiancé's Friend From Her Wedding Due To His Disorder & Asks If She Should Tell The Groom

Photo: Pexels / Trung Nguyen.
bride and groom kissing

Weddings are a celebration, but planning one can bring out the worst in people, even the bride herself. 

A 30-year-old woman went to the Reddit thread  r/AmItheA–-hole" (AITA) to present her version of a pre-wedding conflict, which involved her boyfriend Freddie’s best friend Callum. 

AITA is a subreddit where users from across the internet ask for advice on whether or not they’ve been an a–hole for how they’ve responded to a contentious situation in their lives. 

In this woman’s case, she wrote in to Reddit to ask if she was the a–hole for disinviting Freddie’s closest friend Callum to their “small, simple, relaxed” wedding scheduled for next January. 

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She didn't want her groom's best friend there because of his disorder.

She alleges that Callum is “great” and that while she likes him, she doesn’t want him at the wedding because of “this thing where he sits or stands very still and stares into space for a long, long, LONG time.” 

She notes that Freddie informed her that Callum has catatonia, which is defined by WebMD as “a group of symptoms that usually involve a lack of movement and communication.” In her post, the woman writes that she calls Callum’s diagnosis “just zooming out, or dissociating, as Gen Z says.” 

She goes on to say that the “problem” is that Freddie “babysits” him during episodes, standing next to Callum to make sure he’s okay.

She calls Freddie’s actions “a cute, nice gesture,” but goes on to say that she doesn’t want him watching over Callum on their wedding day, because for him to do so would be “the opposite of our dream day.”

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She explains that she approached Callum privately and asked him not to come.

In her own words, “he agreed he’d be a distraction and declined the invitation.”

She then asked Callum to keep their conversation and his reason for not coming a secret from Freddie, to which Callum replied that “he’d be too embarrassed to say anything.” 

When she told Freddie that Callum declined the wedding invitation, Freddie was “disappointed” that his best friend wouldn’t be present on their special day. 

The woman then told her mother, her sister, and her maid-of-honor what she’d done. They were “visibly upset” and her mother said what she’d done was an “a–holey, ableist move.”

The woman defended her choice by claiming that Callum’s catatonia “is not really a disability,” and “more about his personality and his ‘thing’ that I know is going to take a toll on my boyfriend.” 

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She wrote into Reddit to “pacify her conscience and make sure she’s not a horrible person.”

Yet users on the thread agreed that she was undeniably an a—hole.

One user spoke directly to the woman, writing “You don’t get to determine whether or not someone has a disability, and just because you don’t label him as ‘disabled’ doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a disability or you aren’t being ableist.”

Someone else noted that “Catatonia and dissociation are both serious mental health concerns. This is ableist and cruel.”

The sentiment was echoed by another user, who wrote that “Not only was she downplaying catatonia but she was also equating zoning out and dissociating which are not the same thing at all.”

One user noted that “not only is she excluding someone with a disability, she’s downplaying and even straight up denying that they have a disability in the first place.”

Someone else wrote in, “You are favoring aesthetics over your fiance's BFF.” 

Yet another user called her an a—hole “because this could have easily been solved in an adult way with you, Callum, and your fiance talking out the contingency plans. Instead, you snuck behind his back and undermined his best friend.”

Her “callous disregard of Callum’s condition and feelings” was seen by users as “a staggeringly manipulative and awful thing to do.” 

One user succinctly wrote that “If Callum’s disability makes you uncomfortable, it’s your responsibility to address that within yourself, because it's your problem.”

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To the woman’s credit, it appears that she did address her issues.

She edited the original post multiple times, the first edit being to note that while she initially said he wasn’t disabled, she now knows she was wrong.

She acknowledged actions were ableist and took responsibility.

“I did something horrible to Callum. I took away his agency and didn’t see him as a person, the loveable person that my future husband cares so much about. And I did something horrible to the person I love.”

She posted that “the a–hole tag is right, and the advice I got is much appreciated.”

She goes on to say that “it’s f–ed up that even after all that happened I was still just thinking about myself.” 

She apologized to Freddie, who was worried about Callum and not hurt by the lie, according to the woman.

She said that her fiance “blamed her behavior on pre-wedding anxiety,” though she owned up to it being more complicated than that. 

“I can’t blame ableism, stupidity, and lack of empathy on being stressed out,” she writes.

Afterward, she apologized to Callum, who was “clearly hurt and at the same time very relieved that the apology came rather quickly.” 

She notes that they’re not getting married next January, after all, and that she feels “like I failed at marriage before even starting and I failed at loving my new family, too.” 

Although she feels awful, she won’t delete the post. She writes, “Let this post be evidence of ableism. I’m not trying to justify myself, I’m just trying to figure out my own sh–tty thinking.”

She ends by reassuring users that while Callum was diagnosed with recurrent idiopathic catatonia, he’s doing fine. 

It’s rare to see someone take accountability when they’ve been deemed the a–hole by the internet.

It’s possible this woman is on a path towards some sort of redemption, or at least a greater understanding of how ableism manifests. 

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Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers celebrity gossip, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.

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