100 Best Chuck Norris Jokes For Every Occasion

Photo: Evsin / Shutterstock  
Chuck Norris joke
Quotes

Chuck Norris jokes are an internet classic, memes from a time before memes that remind us of the simpler times.

Chuck Norris needs no introduction but, on the off chance that you don’t know who he is or why his “facts” are classic internet culture, here’s a brief introduction.

Chuck Norris is a martial artist and movie star who, and I cannot believe that I am saying this, is 81 years old. He’s been in movies since the 70s and his last film, The Expendables 2, was released in 2012. 

That’s all well and good, but what is this “Chuck Norris facts” business? In short, these Chuck Norris jokes began appearing on the internet back in 2005 in the form of satirical facts about the titular martial artist and actor. Sometimes these facts took the form of Chuck Norris quotes but were usually just punchy, one-line statements.

The “facts” were always ridiculously over the top and usually extolled Chuck Norris’s strength, endurance, lethality, or some other manly facet of his character.

Here is a list of our 100 best Chuck Norris jokes, Chuck Norris funny quotes, and Chuck Norris “facts.”

1. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

RELATED: Was Chuck Norris At The Capitol Riots? See The Pic That Has Social Media Convinced

2. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

3. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says it's beef, then it's beef.

4. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

5. Chuck Norris once went to mars. That’s why there are no signs of life.

6. Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

7. Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.

8. Chuck Norris is the only man who can fight himself and win.

9. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.

10. Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.

11. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

12. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Chuck Norris.

13. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.

14. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light.

15. Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

16. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

17. Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

18. Chuck Norris once went skydiving but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

19. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

20. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.

21. Chuck Norris stands faster than anyone can run.

22. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

23. When God said, “Let there be light!” Chuck said, “Say Please.”

24. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

25. Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time.

26. Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

27. Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

28. Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

29. Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.

30. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

31. Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

32. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

33. Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

34. Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.

35. Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.

36. If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

37. On the 7th day, God rested … Chuck Norris took over.

38. We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

39. Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

40. Chuck Norris can speak braille.

41. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

42. Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet.

43. The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

44. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

45. Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

RELATED: 125 Corny Jokes So Cheesy They're Really Funny

46. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

47. Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren’t before his first space expedition.

48. Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.

49. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

50. Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

51. Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

52. When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.

53. When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

54. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

55. Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

56. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to shave. His beard is scared to grow.

57. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

58. Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

59. The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

60. Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

61. Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.

62. Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.

63. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

64. The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favorite coffee mug.

65. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

66. Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

67. Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Subscribe to our newsletter.

Hey You! Want more of YourTango's best articles, seriously addictive horoscopes and top expert advice? Sign up to get our free daily newsletter!

68. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

69. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

70. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

71. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.

72. Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.

73. Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

74. Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

75. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

76. Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

77. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

78. Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.

79. The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. You know what happened to them.

80. Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade you’ve ever tasted.

81. Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver... and wins.

82. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick-related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

83. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.

84. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

85. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

86. Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

87. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

88. If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

89. Chuck Norris got Coronavirus. Now the Coronavirus is in isolation.

90. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

91. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

92. In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.

93. Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in three moves.

94. Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.

95. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

96. Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.

97. The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

98. Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.

99. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

100. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

RELATED: 99 Sarcastic & Funny Memes About Life

Dan O'Reilly is a writer who covers news, politics, and social justice. Follow him on Twitter.