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Looking great in a romper is nice but these 10 personality traits are must-haves.
By Tom Miller — Written on Oct 25, 2017
I'd never advocate someone make a drastic personality change to find a partner. And this one is a two-fer: A) there is probably someone out there that can get on board with who you are, and B) most personality changes are either temporary or the kind of exhausting that may eventually result in hysterical blindness. NOT WORTH IT.
However, small tweaks are possible and are likely the only reason over 90 percent of us may not end up stark raving alone. That said, losing five pounds probably isn't as valuable while on the prowl for a great dude as being the kind of person that he wants to be around when neither of you is particularly interested in seeing one another naked. Or, as Helen Fisher calls it, "life's greatest prize."
That said, there are some emotional qualities that attract men above all others. Here are ten emotional qualities that the average guy is attracted to, in no particular order.
1. Kindness
I appreciate that 80s movies convinced us that "nice" was a one syllable way of saying "sucker" and that it's become a charitable way of saying "bland." However, the typical guy is looking for someone who isn't sh*tty to the people who work in TSA because, eventually, that kind of barking at waiters and kids and baristas is going to be his problem.
2. Grace
I've seen enough videos of people dancing on Instagram to know that physical grace and coordination in a partner is entirely too much to ask for. However, the two other definitions aren't.
Most of us are terrible under stress. We screw up our fight/flight/freeze reaction by fighting with the people around us rather than fighting the problem. Most men are more attracted to someone who sits down and starts smelling her fingers in a stressful moment than someone who picks that exact moment to start airing her grievances and dirty laundry.
Speaking of unclean sheets, grace is also the quality that allows us to LET GO OF OLD SH*T ALREADY. Palate cleanser time.
3. Thoughtfulness
Kind people aren't always thoughtful but generally, thoughtful people are kind. At any rate, doing highly conscientious, ground-level things goes a long way (i.e., showing up to meet his friends for the first time and bringing beer and cupcakes, or helping an old person put groceries in her trunk, or Tweeting to a D-List celebrity that you liked the cameo she had on Supernatural).
Anything that might make a decent person's day goes a long way in our book. Maybe women are generally better at this but remembering that a distance acquaintance really likes early Margaret Atwood novels is practically magic to men.
4. Humor
You don't have to be a nonstop one-liner machine. That becomes tedious even in an occasional drinking buddy. And you don't have to laugh at that terrible impression of Nicholas Cage we all do.
But it's nice if you like enjoy laughing (THE NERVE) and can appreciate that sometimes in life the joke is on you. Also, you have to think Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping is funny.
5. Decisiveness (particularly around meals)
Seriously, all food is fine. I don't care that I had pizza for lunch. I'll eat it again. Pick something. Please.
6. Whatever the opposite of neediness is
I appreciate that the self-help community has told us that confidence is sexy or maybe it's just that abject neediness is so unattractive. And so is overabundant confidence. This one's hard because being needed once in a long-term relationship is nice. Just don't be weird about it, cool?
7. Emotional intelligence
Unfortunately, it means something wholly different for men than it does women. In the same way a lady may want her fella to listen to her problems rather than attempt to solve them, a fella will oftentimes want to be left alone with his problems rather than talk about them.
Unfortunately, you're flipping a coin with when to engage and when to retreat until you really get to know a guy.
8. Romantic "assertiveness"
By and large, men still do the majority of the romantic pursuit (don't @ me, please). It doesn't mean we think that being thirsty is gross or that we wouldn't welcome some quid pro quo, but we understand the general realities of courtship.
However, sometimes it's nice if you "pull a hamstring" during the chase to let us know you want to get caught. It doesn't have to be nudes but it shouldn't be "well, I liked four things he put on Facebook — he should know!"
9. Gratitude
I get that we're in a political climate that has too often involved sentiment to the effect of, "shut up and be grateful for what you have." I get that. And it’s not mutually exclusive that the sincere use of the words "thank you" and actions that go along with those words (see the point on thoughtfulness) are incredibly attractive and powerful.
Gratitude is black plague level infectious — i.e., one of those tenfold returns that the con men from the bible keep trying to sell us.
10. Loyalty
It's a cliché. It's a no-brainer. And the fear of female perfidy and capriciousness has caused an untold amount of problems between men and women (Othello, for one). All that said, eventually we're going to admit or do something humiliating and we want to make sure that you can keep it under your hat.
That's it, have high levels of those 10 great human qualities that attract men is your bread bowl of clam chowder.
Tom Miller is a writer and performer based in New York. He's been a mechanical engineer and a banker. He's been the general manager and coordinating video producer at YourTango for 11 years. He's probably listening to Bryan Adams' "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You" as we speak.
