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Everyone envisions their future differently and for some, marriage isn't part of it.
By Rebecca Jane Stokes — Last updated on Jul 29, 2023
You are a woman who loves love. Maybe you're even one of those rare anomalies who also really loves dating. You dig romance and making connections with men and/or women. but no matter how serious your long-term relationship gets, you keep finding more reasons NOT to get married than reasons in favor of entering into that traditional but awkward-to-you institution.
Each of your relationships seems to go as follows: You meet someone. You fall in love. They fall in love with you. You are happy together for a solid period of time. They decide it is time to consider whether or not they should get married. Out of love and respect you give it serious thought but... you just don't see the point.
While your friends are pining for that moment when their own beloved gets down on one knee and presents them with a shining rock worth no less than two months' rent, for you, that scenario reads more like a dreaded nightmare.
Women who don't want to get married are confusing to many people in our society.
Marriage, children, and domesticity with the apron and all that jazz are supposed to be what we were put on earth to do. Any time you deviate from what's expected, people are going to raise eyebrows and ask questions
. If you think you may not be the marrying kind, however, don't think for even a minute that means there's anything inherently wrong with you. Could your desire to stay single mean you've got some deeply rooted emotional issues? Sure. But never wanting someone to put a ring on it is a valid personal choice, and you are entitled to make decisions like that for yourself.
If you are trying to figure out what's right for you and all you hear is why you should be a wife, here are seriously valid reasons NOT to get married — ever.
Here are 8 seriously valid reasons why some people choose to never get married:
1. You need your space, and then some
You've been in serious relationships. You may even be in one right now. You spend a lot of time together and you love it, but there are still lots of times when you just want to relax by yourself in your own private space with the door locked, Netflix blasting while wearing your favorite pair of ratty pajamas and smelling a bit like sourdough and pickles.
Everybody needs some alone time, even extroverts, but some people need more than a couple of hours to themselves. They need an entire place to which they can retreat and recharge without anyone around, not even in another room.
There's nothing wrong with being a woman who needs her own place. Yes, it could just be that you haven't found the right person yet, but it could also be that you are self-aware and know what you want and need in order to be happy. Just because what you want and need isn't considered the norm, that doesn't mean it isn't what's best for you.
2. You don't want to have kids
For many people, marriage is the logical next step when you feel ready to start a family. Some people do this by having biological children, while others choose to adopt or foster, but what if you don't want to have kids?
For women who don't want to have children, walking down the aisle may seem unnecessary. And while there are those who believe that once you get married you will surely change your mind, my friends, is far more likely to lead to acrimony, unhappiness, and divorce.
And don't forget that saying you don't want to get married doesn't mean that you don't want to be in a loving long-term relationship. It only means you're rejecting the traditional standards in favor of creating your own path for your romantic life and future happiness. In other words, you're 100% that girl.
3. You don't fantasize about a wedding
I have always resented those articles that start with the words "every girl dreams of her perfect wedding," and rightfully so because that's just not true. Not all of us are born to wile away the hours dreaming of a wedding, complete with a theme, dress, and killer reception.
If you don't have matrimony on your mind and you've never fantasized about cake tastings, marriage might not be for you. Don't get it twisted, a wedding is quite different from a marriage.
The wedding is just one day, while theoretically, a marriage is forever. If the romantic notion of planning the first day of the proverbial rest of your life doesn't appeal to you, it might very well be because marriage just isn't for you.
Which also means more money to spend on killer vacations! Bali, anyone?
4. Your parents aren't married
Many people who get married do so because they are consciously or unconsciously modeling their relationship goals after the relationship of their parents. If your parents have been happily married for decades, chances are high that you'll want to recreate their brand of happiness when it comes to building a life with your own romantic partner
However, if your parents were never married or if they are divorced — or if they got married and divorced and remarried and divorced — the picture you have of what a marriage looks like will be different from that of your friend whose parents have never even raised their voices to each other.
If you have negative associations with marriage, you may not want to repeat their bad example when it comes to your own love life.
You want to make something different, and that something will be the bomb-dot-com.
5. You're not religious
In many religious faiths, marriage is considered a sacred rite and the cornerstone of the family system. if you're an atheist or someone who prefers to be spiritual outside of an organized setting, you may not see the need for standing up and taking religious vows with your partner.
Sure, you could always just have a civil union, but if you don't feel believe that religious institutions serve a positive purpose, even the civil institution of marriage may feel way too much like letting other people (i.e., the government) all up in your business.
6. You don't believe in monogamy
I always say that the only rules in any relationship should be dictated by those created by the people within it. When you get married, that literally cannot be the case. You don't only take specific vows, but your couplehood is now bound by the laws of your state, whether either or both of you agree with them or not.
People who are polyamorous believe that love is an infinite resource, and promising to love only one person for the rest of your life comes in direct conflict with that perspective. And even if you are poly, married, and creating your own set of vows, see above for a reminder about the whole thing about being bound by the laws of your state.
You don't have to get married to experience true, lasting love, and you don't have to isolate your heart to loving just one person in order to have fulfilling romantic experiences in your life. If that's your thing.
7. You are asexual and/or aromantic
Asexuality is very real. People who identify as asexual sometimes also identify as being aromantic, which means, as the name might indicate, that they are not interested in anything having to do with romance. While marriage is a relationship built on more than sex, it is the ultimate romantic endeavor.
A marriage is about friendship, love, and support, but most of them also involve sex and erotic love. I
f you are a person who identifies as being asexual or aromantic, the idea of committing yourself to this sort of relationship might be completely unappealing.
If you get everything you need from your family and friends and don't feel inspired to pursue romantic love, why on Earth would you get married? You do you, boo!
8. You don't view marriage as an end goal in life
You have a boyfriend. He has you, his girlfriend. You've been together for years. You're both happy with your lives as they are now.
You love and support each other. You fight. You make up. You have sex sometimes. You don't have sex sometimes. You laugh. You cry... The works. He doesn't want to get married. You don't want to get married. So guess what? That's totally fine.
A long-term romantic relationship doesn't have to focus on marriage as the ultimate goal. As long as your relationship sustains you, satisfies you, and grows as you grow, there's no reason to change any of that because you feel societal pressure to do so.
Any relationship or lack thereof is whatever you make of it. If you don't want to get married, don't get married. Live your life in the light and nurture positive relationships that nurture you right back. Little by little, we might all be surprised by how living authentically reshapes the world as we know it.
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Rebecca Jane Stokes is an editor, freelance writer, former Senior Staff Writer for YourTango, and the former Senior Editor of Pop Culture at Newsweek. Her bylines have appeared in Fatherly, Gizmodo, Yahoo Life, Jezebel, Apartment Therapy, Bustle, Cosmopolitan, SheKnows, and many others.