11 Red Flags People Ignore When They Marry Someone They’re Not Compatible With — And Why It Ends In Divorce
The tell-tale signs someone is not it for you.
Gerain0812 | Shutterstock Nowadays, it seems that life is structured around a timeline in which people are expected to complete college, secure their first job, and get married by a certain age. Many people feel pressured to rush life — and, by extension, marriage — out of fear of missing out. This is especially unfortunate, as often there are red flags that people ignore when they marry someone with whom they are not compatible.
From disregarding various belief systems to avoiding reality and instead concentrating on potential, many people unwittingly prepare themselves for failure when they enter marriage with rose-colored glasses. Marriage can be wonderful, but it can quickly become disastrous if individuals overlook the obvious red flags indicating it's not meant to be. With that said, what red flags do people most commonly ignore? Most importantly, how do these red flags lead to divorces?
Here are 11 red flags people ignore when they marry someone they're not compatible with — and why it ends in divorce:
1. They have different core values
StockPhotoDirectors | Shutterstock
The first red flag people often ignore when they marry someone with whom they are not compatible is that they have different core values. How often do people cringe as they watch someone with completely different political or religious beliefs walk down the aisle? On the surface, this might not seem like a problematic aspect of a marriage. After all, how can worshipping different Gods and having different beliefs possibly destroy a marriage?
Yet, it all boils down to people's value system and the values they choose to embrace as a family. For instance, if a mother is liberal and a father is conservative, their value system can be completely different from one another. From not wanting to have kids to not knowing how to raise their children with such polar opposite ideas, these differences are the reason why their marriage ends in divorce.
According to a 2018 study, the brain is relatively resistant to change. So, while couples might think that they can work through those differences, research shows that changing someone's mindset is a lot easier said than done. This is why couples with different political beliefs should think twice before getting married. Who knows, it might save them an expensive trip in the end.
2. They have unresolved family trauma
Wasana Kunpol | Shutterstock
Many people have trauma. From toxic exes to toxic mothers, these traumas can last for years and cost people thousands of dollars in therapy as they grapple with how to move forward. However, like anything in life, trauma becomes easier to manage as people work endlessly to better themselves and find healthy coping mechanisms.
Yet, what happens when someone doesn't work on that trauma? For couples that have tried the knot, a red flag people ignore when they marry someone they're not compatible with is if they have unresolved family trauma. Everyone comes with a small amount of baggage at the start of the relationship.
Bad relationships with siblings or parents might cause them to trust less or be easily triggered. However, before getting married, both parties must find healthier ways to cope and heal; otherwise, their marriage might end in divorce. According to a study published in 2024, adults with childhood trauma are more likely to experience problems in their relationships. So, even if it's uncomfortable, finding ways to face trauma head-on is the best way to ensure that the relationship is both healthy and long-lasting.
3. Both partners handle conflict in different ways
Dikushin Dmitry | Shutterstock
Not everyone handles conflict in the same way. Upbringing can cause people to communicate in different ways, one of which might involve yelling, and another which might involve completely ignoring the situation. However, it's essential to be aware of this going into the relationship and, ideally, find ways to resolve this difference before it becomes too late.
As much as some couples might try to bypass it, there's no denying that communication is essential to any relationship. From romantic relationships to familial relationships, communicating healthily is the best way to avoid misunderstandings. This is important, as a study published in the Journal of Pragmatics found that when participants recalled miscommunication, it led to feelings such as confusion and, most importantly, frustration.
Despite this fact, many people will refuse to address the differences in communication style, opting instead to get married, as they believe these differences should not be enough to deter them. Yet, it's this exact mindset that leads to this being one of the biggest red flags people overlook when they marry someone with whom they're not compatible — and most importantly, why it often ends in divorce.
4. One partner takes accountability while the other makes excuses
Paula VV | Shutterstock
Sometimes, couples mess up. Maybe they didn't wash the dishes, or maybe they forgot to pick up groceries. It's inevitable, as there will always be a point at which one person stumbles and fails from time to time. However, what people do after stumbling is the difference between a long-lasting marriage and one that ends in divorce.
And the red flags people ignore when they marry someone they're not compatible with are if one partner takes accountability while the other makes excuses. Sorry to say, but no marriage will last when one person refuses to take accountability for their actions.
As much as couples might feverishly deny it, refusing to take accountability is a recipe for disaster, as it often leads to resentment. According to the Gottman Institute, resentment falls under contempt, which oftentimes leads to divorce. So, while taking accountability might be uncomfortable, the alternative is having a marriage end in divorce.
5. There's a one-sided effort in the relationship
Roman Samborskyi | Shutterstock
Marriage is all about teamwork. From feeding the baby to planning dates, there is a need for effort from both sides of the relationship. And yet, too often it is that one person puts entirely too much effort into the marriage, while the other person puts in very little.
This is why a red flag that people often ignore when they marry someone they're not compatible with — and why it often ends in divorce — is the presence of a one-sided effort in the relationship. As most people would agree, there's no worse feeling than feeling unappreciated and unloved in a marriage.
According to professor of psychology Glenn Geher, Ph.D., one of the foundational needs in the human experience is, according to Maslow, the need to feel truly loved." He continued that love encourages others to form bonds with others, which is vital in cultivating happiness.
Despite this, couples who are not compatible often struggle to find common ground and put in equal effort in the relationship. In turn, this causes their marriage to crumble as one side of the aisle is left feeling unloved, while the other does not want to acknowledge how their actions make their partner feel, ultimately leading to the end of their relationship.
6. They have different long-term goals
Dorde Krstic | Shutterstock
If someone wants to make a marriage work, then they need to be on the same page. From where they want to live, to how they want their schedules to be, to what role they play in the marriage, these discussions are worth having. Yet, all too often do people ignore these discussions of long-term goals in favor of 'going with the flow.'
This is why another red flag that people often ignore when marrying someone they're not compatible with — and why it frequently ends in divorce — is if they have different long-term goals. No marriage can succeed without both parties discussing what they want out of life. For instance, if one partner wants to live a lavish life while the other prefers a low-key lifestyle, it may not be a good fit in the long run.
According to a 2020 study, being on the same page and setting goals led to greater relationship satisfaction compared to couples who did not set goals. With this in mind, couples should ensure they have these discussions before getting married; otherwise, their marriage might be bound to end in divorce.
7. One partner is financially irresponsible, while the other is not
Dorde Krstic | Shutterstock
If you’ve ever scrolled through TikTok, you’ve definitely come across those fun hauls. From the $700 target runs to the thousand-dollar Dyson, one of the greatest red flags people often ignore when marrying someone they're not compatible with — and why it frequently ends in divorce — is that one partner is financially irresponsible, while the other is not.
It should go without saying that both parties should be in agreement when it comes to finances. And yet, all too often, couples divorce because of finances. According to a 2017 study, 36.7% of participants cited financial problems as a primary reason for divorce.
Despite this fact, people continue to ignore the red flags and refuse to discuss debt, budgeting, and joint accounts versus separate accounts, instead opting to figure it out on their own. Not only is this harmful for the couple and their future, but in the long run, the lack of agreement when it comes to finances almost always causes marriages to end in divorce.
8. One partner is highly independent, while the other is dependent
Antonio Guillem | Shutterstock
It happens all too often, but for some couples, being married becomes an integral part of their personality. Despite knowing how important it is to maintain independence, there will always be that one person in the marriage who can't help but cling to their partner for support. Whether it be financial support or free therapy, these individuals are deeply connected to their partner, like a lifeline.
On the surface, they might not necessarily see anything wrong with that. After all, trusting and depending on one's partner is what marriage is for, right? However, there is such a thing as becoming overly dependent on one's partner. And unfortunately for them, this level of dependence can have drastic consequences if both parties aren't careful.
According to a study published in BioMed Research International, co-dependency issues can lead to an increase in aggression, possibly leading to abusive situations. So, while it's fine to depend on their partner, ensure that a level of independence is maintained in the relationship. Otherwise, their marriage might end in divorce.
9. One person doesn't keep their promises or commitments
simona pilolla 2 | Shutterstock
Marriage is all about trust. From the moment a couple starts dating, the level of trust gained in that relationship is often the difference between that relationship thriving or failing. Yet, despite this well-known fact, a red flag that people usually ignore when marrying someone they're not compatible with is if one person isn't great at keeping promises or commitments.
It's unfortunate, but all too often will people get sucked into the, "We can make this work no matter what," train. As a result, they are willing to overlook problematic behaviors if it means preserving their relationship. However, all this does is build resentment and trust issues, all of which lead to divorce.
To avoid this, both couples must reflect and determine where it all began. What does their partner do that makes it hard to trust? Most importantly, how can they fix their behavior? Suppose a married couple doesn't want their marriage to end in divorce. In that case, it might be worth going to couples therapy, as therapists are better able to adjust behaviors, figure out patterns, and find ways to address trauma and work through it.
10. The relationship was rushed
wavebreakmedia | Shutterstock
Sure, people might be convinced that marriage is meant to have a deadline, and that if their partner doesn't propose to them in two years, it's time to call it quits and move on. However, the worst thing than wasting time is arguably rushing into a marriage they weren't prepared for.
Let's face it: divorce is expensive, yet there's no arguing that couples who jump into marriage without fully getting to know one another tend to have marriages that end in disaster. From differences in personalities to toxic red flags, it's essential not to be love-bombed and to take the time to truly get to know the person, have their loved ones vet them, and live with them for a few months before tying the knot.
Yet, couples who are utterly incompatible with one another never take the time to do this, causing their marriage to end in divorce as they realize that their differences are entirely too much.
11. The marriage is based on potential, not reality
New Africa | Shutterstock
Finally, the last red flag people often ignore when they marry someone they're not compatible with — and why it often ends in divorce — is that the marriage is based on potential, not reality. How many times has someone heard their friend gush that their partner has 'so much potential.' If they're like most people, they likely heard this phrase uttered once or twice.
On the surface, there might not be anything wrong with marrying someone or dating someone for potential. After all, a trying person counts. However, at some point, reality needs to set in, and before tying the knot, there needs to be an honest reflection on who they're getting married to.
Is this person truly working hard and responsible? Or, are they skipping work and college classes in favor of sleeping in or video gaming? It might sound vain for some, but asking these questions and evaluating how smart a decision it is to marry that person from an objective standpoint is the greatest way for both parties to save time and money. Because at the end of the day, people aren't getting married for potential; they're getting married to who that person is currently. And if they don't like the current version of this person, there's no guarantee they'll ever truly change.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
