10 Signs Of A Couple That's Growing Apart, Even If They Haven't Noticed Yet
It might not be noticeable at first because sometimes the distance creeps in slowly.
Federico Marsicano / Shutterstock While some couples may be able to tell when their relationship is headed towards trouble, there are many times an outsider may notice signs of a couple that's growing apart even when they haven't noticed it themselves yet. Not all relationships end with a dramatic breakup or explosive argument, as sometimes the distance can creep in silently. Two people who were once madly in love might suddenly find themselves drifting apart, and when that happens, it isn't usually because of one big issue, but minor, consistent shifts went unaddressed for too long.
Maybe life has gotten too busy and their schedules don't match up anymore. The connection eventually starts to fade away in ways that might be easy to overlook until the gap widens to the point where it becomes hard to ignore. Being able to recognize those early signs of emotional distance can either help course-correct or allow two people to realize that maybe their relationship is no longer as fulfilling as it may have once been. Most of the time, couples aren't overthinking at all when they start to notice these subtle changes. Rather than seeing it as an inconvenience or brushing it off as a phase, couples can take the opportunity to pause and reflect on what may be happening beneath the surface.
Here are 10 signs of a couple that's growing apart, even if they haven't noticed yet
1. Conversations start to become shallow
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At the start of a relationship, conversation may have come easily, from deep talks about life to lighthearted banter about something unserious, a couple in love may have been able to talk to each other from sunrise to sunset without even thinking about it. However, when a couple starts to drift apart, those conversations may start to dwindle. The communication might become more surface-level, like who's picking up the groceries or what time someone's getting home.
Communication is always the key to how healthy a relationship is. As Dawn O. Braithwaite, Ph.D. explained, "Sometimes relationships develop easily and clearly. They are healthy and pleasant. Other times, relationships develop in stress and storm and may be healthy or not. How we communicate helps relationships get off on the right foot, navigate problems, and change over time."
2. Spending more time with other people instead of each other
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In a healthy relationship, it's normal for couples to want to spend time with their friends as well as each other. Making sure that you're keeping up with your friendships maintain your individuality and balance when you're with someone else. But when couples start to drift apart, those separate lives begin to feel like separate worlds.
"Even if couples spend very little time together or very little time apart, the relationship is fine if the proportion is what they both want. If each partner has different perspectives, however, the amount of time together and apart can be a source of conflict," explained research psychologist Rob Pascale and psychologist Louis H. Primavera.
Rather than including their partner in social events that they're going to, a couple drifting apart will often begin to attend solo. Eventually, partners will start to feel less like a companion and more of a stranger.
3. Small habits that once felt endearing are now annoying
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When a relationship starts to crack at the seams, one of the most telling signs and emotional shifts that will happen is a change in how a couple will react to each other. Things that they once found endearing about each other, like quirky habits or repeated jokes, will now grate their nerves. Suddenly the way your partner chews their food makes you want to rip all of the hair from your scalp when it used to bring out a laugh or playful eye-roll.
Emotional disconnection is considered a silent killer in relationships. According to psychotherapist Moshe Ratson, "It creates a toxic cycle that leads to emotional isolation and resentment. However, by replacing invalidation with validation, couples can rebuild trust, strengthen emotional bonds, and create a relationship grounded in understanding and empathy."
When one or both partners stops directly reacting to their partner at all, it signals that the connection is quite shaky and without being properly addressed, means the end of a relationship.
4. They stop talking about or making plans for the future
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One of the most telling signs that a couple is drifting apart and may not even realize it is when they can no longer envision a future together. It's natural for couples to discuss future plans together, from small things like an upcoming vacation to bigger things like marriage, children, and even buying a home together. Once a couple stops having those discussions, it's clear that something in their dynamic has shifted.
Over time, the absence of conversations surrounding the future can be a huge indicator that the emotional connection has, or is currently being weakened. Licensed psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D. explained that couples who make long-term plans together are usually building a stronger bond with each other.
"Yet the truth is that futurizing with your mate is a healthy activity that will make you both happier, because as you look at the future, you’ll be creating things to look forward to, and that’s where happiness comes from."
5. Compliments become rare
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Compliments can start to become fewer and far in between for couples that are drifting apart. In the beginning, they may have flown easily between partners who were eager to express their appreciation and admiration for each other. However, as time goes on, those compliments and words of praise have started to slow down and one or both partners may stop noticing or valuing the things that once made them feel special to the other.
Compliments are simply important to the longevity of a relationship, explained behavioral analyst Wendy L. Patrick.
"Partners present a constellation of positive qualities, nicely tied together with a bow of commitment," she said. "Cherish each other for both the outward and inward attractive qualities you each bring to the table. Your reward will be the gift that keeps on giving — a happy, healthy relationship that will stand the test of time."
6. They stop asking questions about each other's days
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A relationship that is drifting apart may mean that a couple no longer shows interest or curiosity about the other person's day. Early in the relationship, they may have been eager to hear about details of their day and their thoughts about what they experienced, but when the emotional bond begins to fade, those questions and eagerness also dims. A couple may still be going through the motions of being together, but the genuine desire to know each other has long checked out.
This absence of curiosity can be isolating for both partners. They may feel as if the other doesn't care about them and their endeavors anymore. Over time, that can lead to feelings of resentment and detachment.
7. They avoid shared activities they used to enjoy
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Things like cooking together, watching their favorite TV show, or a particular weekend routine may become things that couples who are drifting apart may start to do on their own even though they enjoyed doing it together at one point. When a relationship starts to lose its spark, a couple can start to feel burdened by doing things together when it once brought them happiness.
It may not be an intentional decision to split away like that, but rather a subtle way for couples to express their dissatisfaction and disinterest in the relationship. Once a couple loses the things that once made them feel connected to each other, the relationship can start to feel more like a chore than an actual, loving partnership.
8. They struggle to recall happy memories together
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One of the most telling signs of a couple that is growing apart is when they struggle to recall happy moments they had together. For a healthy and long-lasting relationship, those memories are important to hold close and look back on with fondness and sometimes laughter. It can bring two people together, which is why when that stops, those two people can quickly start to distance from each other.
It isn't about completely forgetting certain details or events, but rather a deeper form of disconnect. As an emotional bond weakens between a couple, the good memories can become tainted with negativity or even indifference. Rather than the relationship being viewed through love and joy, it's now being seen with through a lens of dissatisfaction.
9. They stop showing up for each other's accomplishments
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When a couple is suddenly uninterested in the achievements and goals that their partner has managed to accomplish, it's a clear sign that their growing apart. A thriving relationship means showing support for your partner and being their biggest cheerleader. Once that stops, it often signals a much deeper emotional withdrawal than either might realize.
A once nurturing environment where a couple felt encouraged by each other can end up shifting to one of pure neglect. One partner may feel as if their achievements are no longer being celebrated, or that their challenges are met with indifference instead of empathy.
10. Talking about the relationship feels exhausting
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Partners should always feel comfortable and open when it comes to talking about the state of their relationship. It's only through this type of communication that couples can continue to grow and evolve together instead of apart. But when a couple is drifting away from each other, that open communication may start to feel like a chore. They may start to avoid issues altogether because it feels easier than actually sitting down and working through it.
Rather than feeling heard and valued, each person may feel as if they're just talking past each other instead of to each other. When issues aren't being addressed and resolved, they start to build up, and over time, it can end up draining the love that's between two people.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
