Don't let them win.
By Barb Boschetto and Estee Kahn and John Gray and Pernilla Lillarose and Ellyn Bell and YourTango Experts — Written on Feb 09, 2018
Everyone has come across a "mean girl" in her life.
They're the women who steal your friends or your boyfriend, who talk trash about you behind your back, and who might even turn to bullying to ruin someone's life.
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And whether you try to rise above the bullying and ignore her, or strike back with your own feisty sass, the truth is... mean girls (and women!) can get to you.
It's natural to be hurt and to feel bad about yourself when someone is trying to chip away at your confidence.
But no one — and we mean NO ONE — should feel empowered to take away your sense of self-worth or self-esteem.
Because of how common this problem is, Senior VP of YourTango Experts, Melanie Gorman, asked a group of relationship experts to explain why it is that women are mean to each other, and how to best deal with it, if it happens to you.
In the YourTango Experts video above, Barb Boschetto, Pernilla Lillarose, Ellyn Roberts Bell, and John Gray of Mars and Venus fame, all agreed that the only way to deal with a mean girl is one thing: understanding.
Yes, understanding!
The truth is, every woman has a "mean girl" inside of her.
It's the part of her that it empowers her to do what it takes, fight for what she believes in, and let nothing stand in her way.
There's a difference, however, between mean and badass. And kind, compassionate women know where to stop in their pursuit of goals and success so as to not let the mean girl inside of her rule.
Because using all of those qualities to power through work and life is wonderful, even admirable.
But when they're used to hurt other people — other women — it becomes a problem.
There is a fairly obvious reason why some women are able to keep their inner mean girl inside, only coming out when she needs it, and others can't help to be anything but their mean girl.
They're hurting.
The only way they themselves feel confident and strong is if they make another to feel the same or worse than they do.
Whether it's a learned behavior or because they've had to repress a part of themselves, usually their femininity, to get through life — or maybe because they were bullied or emotionally abused themselves, there is something inside of that is bothering them.
They feel a need to utilize a defense tactic of being the mean girl, no matter who gets hurt.
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That's not an excuse for them, or for yourself.
But it does help explain how a woman can bring another woman down.
That's really all a mean girl persona is — a defense tactic.
A nasty tool to make ourselves feel better when we are low.
Once again, don't mistake what I am writing here for approval. No matter the reason, being cruel and ruining the confidence of others is NEVER okay.
But at the end of the day, we are all women and we need to all get along.
Only by understanding and accepting it can we stop giving the mean girls — both internal and external — a hold over our lives.
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If you need help controlling your inner mean girl, dealing with a mean girl in your life, or are in a relationship with one, please visit the websites of our Experts and contact Barb, Pernilla, Ellyn, or John, directly. They’re here to help.
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