This Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten Helps You Hide 'Til The Insanity Is Over

Photo: Sextile
Mercury Retrograde Body Suit

Protect yo self. Mercury's in retrograde (again).

The weather this year has been pretty crappy so I'm sure you're looking forward to April and the freshness that comes with Spring.

But guess what?

Starting April 9th, Mercury is in retrograde until ... MAY FREAKIN' 4th!

"But I don't believe in horoscopes or zodiac signs or any of that hogwash!" You may be saying.

Well, you may be in the minority then!

A study conducted by The National Science Foundation in 2012 showed that 45% of Americans believe in astrology; a stark increase from 2006 which saw only 32% of believers. 

So ... yeah, astrology rules!

Except now it does not, because of this whole Mercury in retrograde thing and the fact it's going to be almost a full month of chaos.

A whole entire month of forgetting your wallet when you're already on the train to work.

A whole entire month of listening to the coworker who sits next to you chew even louder in your ear while you cringe in disgust.

A whole entire month of ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.


That last one is actually just part of "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette.

But still, it's going to suck.

According to The Old Farmer's Almanac:

"Mercury’s retrograde periods can cause our plans to go awry. However, this is an excellent time to reflect on the past. Intuition is high during these periods, and coincidences can be extraordinary.

The planet Mercury rules communication, travel, contracts, automobiles, and such. So, when Mercury is retrograde, remain flexible, allow time for extra travel, and avoid signing contracts. Review projects and plans at these times, but wait until Mercury is direct again to make any final decisions."

The Old Farmer's Almanac has been around since 1792, guys. They know their shit. If they tell you to not do something, you listen!
But I think I found a solution!
I know what you're thinking.
"I need to to work."
"I need groceries."
Amazon and some of your local stores deliver groceries straight to your door!
"But I have a partner that I love and want to spend time with."

Believe me, you won't want to be near anyone during this retrograde B.S.

RELATED: The Zodiac Sign You'll Have The BEST Sex With

Fret not, there is now a one-piece body suit that will help you hide from the world while Mercury in Retrograde.

Sextile says:

"The Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten: when the world gets too scary for three weeks at a time, you’re safe in your own little world.
Feeling wobbly, forgetful, and introverted during this Mercury retrograde cycle? This can be a great time for renewal and self-reflection. The Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten (TM) is designed specifically to contain and counteract the powerful negative mental and energetic effects of Mercury retrograde."


"The communication port located equidistant between the crown and throat chakras helps to release ideas and thoughts through communication, while the grounding port located below the base chakra allows optional access to reality, and discreet bodily functions, as required."
Sadly, this sweater has been discontinued because OF COURSE! Mercury in retrograde is always f*cking with our happiness. Thanks a lot, Mercury!

Can you imagine being on your couch wearing this body suit not giving a single sh*ts about anything?


It's literally my dream. *sigh*

We need to really just chill out, watch some Netflix, and not interact with other humans until this Mercury in retrograde rotation is over.

And may the odds be ever in your favor!