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Take note, ladies...
By Tom Miller — Written on Jan 13, 2017
When it comes down to it, how much different is wanting to try something you saw in the Kama Sutra from an improbable move that your dude saw in a Mia Khalifa video? Answer: none. None more different.
It’s cartoonish people doing things which seem anatomically improbable with your not-exactly-Christian Ronaldo-esque body. Things that you’d need an exploded AutoCAD diagram to fully explain. Things that if you make one wrong move, you may both be left paralyzed and die of starvation unless you’re found by a member of the cleaning staff.
Things that Amnesty International would define as torture (for both you). Things that make you really wonder, “Hey! What was wrong with missionary?” as you experience hip dysplasia and a shoulder subluxation at the same time. Maybe even things that would make Zayn say, “Not with the one day mother of my children!”
On the other hand, this sexing thing isn’t supposed to be rote and perfunctory. Yes, experimenting with sex positions is fun, especially when one or more people get to have an orgasm or more somewhere in there. But not all sex positions are created equal and some we could just do without.
Here’s what 8 men had to say about the worst sex positions ever.
1. Reverse Cowgirl makes sex disconnected.
"Not a fan of reverse cowgirl. Feels weird that she's facing away from me and I'm just kind of laying there. Despite being inside of her, the level of disconnection makes me feel like we should both be browsing Instagram on our phones." —Rick, 32
2. Missionary requires lots of chemistry.
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"Impossible to hate ANY sex position, but I'd have to say missionary is the least fun. However, it can be amazing with the right woman. So, the missionary position is the one that is the most dependent on the sexual chemistry of your partner." — Greg, 43
3. Cowgirl is OK, except when she doesn't know what to do.
"I'm for all of them, except when she’s on top and has no idea how to use her hips. It's just unattractive seeing her bounce like a bobblehead." —Marcus, 32
4. The "One-Handed Tango" is a bit too complicated.
"As a married man, I can honestly say that the only sex position that I don't like is the One-Handed Tango, i.e jerking off. Because any sex is good sex." Evan, 28
5. Lotus is just... stupid.
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"Anything outside of the athletic range of either partner is the worst. It’s how someone either gets a dick broken or learns a harsh lesson in how painfully out of shape they are. That said, that thing where both people are seated and facing one another is flat out stupid." —Michael, 42
6. Doggy Style makes me orgasm too quickly.
"Wanna know the truth? Like, I wouldn't even tell my wife this truth? Doggy Style. Whether she's on all fours, lying on her belly or bent over, I last like 19 seconds. It's great for getting one out real fast but it's terrible for lovemaking. Maybe when we get on some trying-to-have-a-baby sh*t, I'll go back to it." —David, 34
7. Spooning gets boring, fast.
"I'm 6'5", so anything that involves squatting is the worst. But if there’s one thing I truly hate, it’s on-the-side-from-behind sex. I get bored and I feel like performing." —Neil, 29
8. Standing can be hot, but it looks better in the movies.
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"I don't care for the standing position where we are facing each other and standing. Sure, it looks good on film but I'd rather get into a sex position where I can go balls deep. The standing can lead to where you pick her up (as long as she is light, limber and lithe enough) and she straddles you which is pretty hot, or you kind of squash her against the wall so her legs don't have to be straight down. But the straight down legs face-to-face standing up is least favorite." —Rick, 52
