The Real Reason Your Man Is Acting Distant (And 6 Ways To Lure Him Back To You)


Is it you or is it him?

Does this situation sound familiar?

The relationship is going incredibly well — it's exciting, and you love spending time together. 

Then, seemingly out of the blue, your boyfriend is acting distant — and you're fairly certain you didn't create the problem. He's pulling back and seemingly less interested in both you and your relationship.

You'll be surprised to hear that this is actually a quite common behavior in both men AND women in relationships.

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Yes, you read that right: women sometimes do it too!

While we tend to think of it as a "men thing", there's actually no documented data that proves men are more likely to become emotionally distant in a relationship than women.

But when you look at relationships like our panel of relationship Experts have, more often than not you find it's the men who seem to get distant and pull back, even if the relationship seems to be going perfectly.

It is extremely frustrating!

We begin to doubt ourselves and our self-esteem seems to waiver. Did we do something wrong? Are they not attracted to me? Is this normal?

In the video above, Senior Vice President of YourTango Experts Melanie Gorman asked a group of big-name relationship Experts — including relationship and communications Expert Fiona Fine, author and relationship coach Gregg Michaelsen, matchmaker and dating coach Jasbina Ahluwalia and biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D. — why men get spooked early in a relationship when things seem to be going to well...and what you can do about it.

And they all agree: it's completely normal.

As terrifying as it may be for you, guys pull away and it doesn't necessarily mean they've lost interest in you. In fact, it could actually be the opposite!

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While we're usually quick to blame ourselves — and yes, sometimes you are doing something to turn him away — the problem could just as easily be him. He could be low on testosterone, scared (yes, men have relationship fears, too!), scared of his overwhelming feelings for you or it could be he's stereotypically afraid of commitment.

There are so many different reasons why he could suddenly be emotionally distant that you can't make assumptions. He may not be getting ready to ghost you at all. He may just be dealing with his feelings in a way you don't understand.

The good news, ladies, is that you can do something to help your relationship so he'll want to come crawling right back to you when he's ready.

1. Let him have his space ... but not too much space.


One of the main reasons men pull away is a lack of testosterone.

Women love to cuddle to de-stress because it increases their estrogen levels. The trouble is, it does the same for the estrogen in men (yes, men have estrogen!) but while the increase helps to calm women, it creates stress in men as it also lowers their testosterone level.

Let your man go do some "manly things" to build up his testosterone levels again and he'll come right back to you, ready to handle anything. Just don't pull away entirely or he'll be left confused and think you don't want him back so he won't come back.

2. Don't rush your relationship.

Think back to your relationship and be honest with yourself: are you moving too fast?

It's a big transition from, I'm single and ready to mingle to I'm in a wonderful relationship with this one woman. That can be jarring for a man, which is why when a woman comes around that seems to be worth it, they take a step back to understand their feelings and determine whether she's worth giving up the single life.

But if you're not giving him a chance to slowly adjust and jump from going on the first date to saying "I love you" and talking about your future, you're only going to scare him away for good before he can work it all out.

3. Encourage him to have his own social life —  and have one of your own.


Men are also scared that you'll take them away from their friends. Yes, on some level they want you to occupy most of their time. But they don't want you to be completely controlling and the only friend they have.

Yes, you're in a relationship but while your partner is — and should be — the center of your world, your world shouldn't revolve entirely around them.

Encourage your man to have a guys night out or to invite his friends over for the game. And take time for your own girls night without texting him every two minutes.

Ignore your man every once in a while and he'll find he can't stop thinking about you whenever you're not with him.

4. Offer to pay or at least chip in.

Whether right or wrong, men worry that the woman they're dating or interested in dating might only be interested in them for the money and the things they'll buy you. All those free meals you have on dates and the cute stuffed animals he spent $30 on trying to win for you at the boardwalk or the adorable bracelet he bought you for your birthday.

Show him you're not interested in him for what he can give you. Offer to chip in on your dinner date or pay for your own drink when you go out to the park.

He may turn you down but genuinely making the offer proves to him you're attracted to him for who he is not his bank account.

5. Keep things interesting in the bedroom.


Guys want to commit to one girl. They want to go to sleep and wake up next to the same woman.

But they also love sex and very often, that distance you sense is just the fear that being a committed relationship with you will mean they can't have sex with another woman. Ever.

So keep things interesting. Switch up your sex positions each time or act out some fantasies...keep him coming back for more so sex with you doesn't become the same boring routine he'll get tired of.

6. Most importantly, do NOT chase him!

Don't go running after him! It's so important that we had to say it twice!

Instead, do things that make you happy to keep your mind off the situation until your partner returns. Take that pottery class you've been wanting to take for months or catch up on your scrapbooking or finally sit down and start that novel you keep talking about.

If you mope and worry about it, you'll be too hurt to stay with him when he returns. So turn this time to something else you're passionate about and you'll won't feel as if you'd wasted all this time waiting.

Even when you're in a loving, committed and healthy relationship, sometimes you just need a break. It's normal!

Just because he pulls away doesn't mean he's not your soulmate.

Give him a chance to catch his breath and realize how perfect you are together and how you are worth overcoming every single one of his fears.

If you feel your partner continues to be emotionally distant, pull away often or any other relationship problem, please reach out to Fiona, Helen, Gregg, or Jasbina. They're here to help!