The Christian '50 Shades Of Grey' Movie Looks Oddly Painful

Old Fashioned Movie Trailer Elizabeth Ann Roberts Rik Swartzwelder Christian version of '50 Shades Of Grey' Trailer Movie

The Christian version of '50 Shades Of Grey' looks even more awkward than the original.

So, you know how there's a film version of 50 Shades of Grey coming out next year? Yeah, I kind of forgot about it too. I mean, I'm not a mom (at least, I'm pretty sure about that), so it doesn't appeal to me. You know who didn't forget about it? Evangelical Christians!

Since 50 Shades of Grey is basically the exact opposite of what they would enjoy, they've made a wholesome movie about love (instead of sex) that's being released on the same day as 50 Shades Of Grey and marketed as basically the Christian version of 50 Shades Of Grey. Of course they did. The first trailer for the movie, titled Old Fashioned, was recently released, so let's talk about it. First, you can see it here:


First, it starts off with the director, who also stars in the movie, talking about how the movie is being released the same day as 50 Shades. There really is no point in watching after this prelude explanation, because that's the whole point of the movie: To be a wholesome tale about love as opposed to a porn. Let's face it, 50 Shades of Grey is basically going to be a porno without nudity or moneyshots in the sex scenes. Doesn't that sound appealing?

And if you want a wholesome movie about love, that's awesome. That's great. But don't "pick a fight with the schoolyard bully" over it, because that's stupid and a cheap marketing ploy. People can enjoy both 50 Shades Of Grey and Old Fashioned, because there is more than one version of a horrible, predictable film. It's pretty pointless and presumptuous to assume either group cares that much about the other as to try to "pick a fight" over it.

Anyway, the movie is about this guy who has all these weird theories about dating. His friends are always like "Stop having weird theories about dating and please have a normal conversation with us," and then he's like "Here's another one of my weird theories." There's a part where he's on a basketball court, and his buddy is like "Shoot the ball!" and instead, he just keeps talking about how stupid dating is. Hey, I agree with the buddy, shoot the ball. You're playing basketball. Don't stop the game to talk about how people don't really get to know each other.

Then there's this girl, and he's her landlord? Or neighbor? It's never really said, but she keeps breaking things so he has to come over and fix them. This is her ploy to get him to ask her out. Wait, what? Why not just ask him out yourself? He's like "If I ask you out, will you stop breaking stuff?" and then, instead of answering, she purrs at him? What? I'm so confused? Is that supposed to be an answer? And why would you want to date someone so clearly destructive?

Anyway, the trailer is the obvious stuff. They start hanging out, he talks about Jesus, she's like "but I don't know about Jesus..." Then there's a whole bunch of drama, then they like, totally love each other again. Look, the trailer basically gives away the whole plot. It's not complicated.

The weirdest part? There's one scene where the main guy is going to physically fight one of his guy friends over the whole "no sex til marriage" thing. "I'm not going to have sex until marriage." "WHAT? MY FIST IS GOING TO DESTROY YOUR FACE!" That's what christians think the world is like. Hint: It's not. Really. Most of us really don't care as long as everyone stays out of everyone else's business.

So, I guess there's that. These are your options on Valentine's Day. 50 Shades of Grey or this. Or also, you know, don't see either movie and do something fun instead. I mean, I feel like this guy is really over estimating how big 50 Shades is going to be. So, see one or the other, or both, or none! It doesn't matter, because they're both going to be awful.