Former Mommy Blogger’s Estranged Daughter Asks If She Should Reconcile With Her Mom Who Now Has Cancer
She should do what feels right for her.
ArkHawt | Shutterstock Writing into Slate's "Dear Prudence" advice column, a former mommy blogger's estranged daughter explained her dilemma after learning her mother now has cancer. Contrary to what many parents seem to believe (especially the boomer ones), almost nobody takes a family estrangement lightly. Fractures between adult children and their parents have been on the rise for years now, and it is all too often blamed on selfishness, entitlement, or "spoiled" adult kids who blame their parents for their problems.
But missing from all these diatribes is the simple fact that we're talking about people's parents here, and you don't sacrifice that relationship on a whim. You do it as a last resort. You also don't ever lose the love or connection to the longest and deepest relationship you have in your life, just because that relationship crumbled under its own toxicity. As one woman's story shows, that's not how these things work.
The estranged daughter wondered if she should reconcile now that her mother is sick.
The "mommy blogger" era has thankfully passed, though it gave rise to a social media culture that is just as disturbing, one in which parents exploit their children and family dynamics for views and gobs of money, on platforms like YouTube and TikTok.
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The children involved, of course, cannot consent to having their every waking moment filmed for the masses, nor do they often have any legal claim to the money being made off their exploitation. As states like California aim to address this legally, an exodus to states like Tennessee that do not has begun, which further underlines the poor judgment, self-absorption, and downright terrible parenting at play: You wouldn't be fleeing laws protecting your child from exploitation if you weren't already confident you were running afoul of them.
A woman who recently wrote into Slate's "Dear Prudence" advice column is a perfect example of this toxic online ecosystem. She explained to "Dear Prudence's" Jenée Desmond-Harris that her childhood in her mother's exploitative spotlight was so damaging that she's ceased contact.
The woman said her mother refuses to take accountability for humiliating her online throughout her entire childhood.
"I was emotionally abused by my mom growing up," she wrote to Desmond-Harris. "My entire life from the time I was a toddler until a teenager out of the house was fodder for her adoring fans, and I was completely exposed and didn’t have any privacy."
She went on to describe how she was regularly humiliated at school because, despite her pseudonym, their town was very familiar with who her mother was. "Try sitting next to the boy you have a crush on and knowing that when you got your first period was published online," she wrote.
It's a parent's job to put their child ahead of their own aspirations, but hers refused to rise to the task. "She ate up the attention and never gave a thought to what it cost me," she wrote. "No matter how I begged, she needed to share her 'truth.' … My mother will not hear about the hurt she caused me, and my father just enables her."
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Now that her mother is dying of cancer, she's begging for a reconciliation to their estrangement.
Understandably, the woman used college to get away from her mother and never returned. Though she texts occasionally, they have been mostly out of touch ever since she left home for school on a different coast.
"Now, my mother has a cancer diagnosis and is begging me to reconcile, and she is back at blogging about her cancer journey," she wrote. "I know she will not respect any request for her to leave me out of it, but the thought of potentially losing my mother makes me sick."
She's in an impossible situation, and one I somewhat recognize from my own life, as I am estranged from my mother. My circumstances are different. She essentially disowned me, not the other way around, but I am now at a point where, if she attempted to reconcile, I would have to think long and hard before responding.
Because on one hand, I'm not interested. I've moved on, and we no longer know each other. But she is also my mom, and she's had a grueling, heartbreaking, traumatic life. That's why she was a bad parent in the first place, and I have empathy for the extent to which that's not her fault. She's done and said things most would say are unforgivable, but she is still a person with a heart, and she is still my mom. If it were her dying wish to reconcile with me, would I be able to say no? Like this woman, I do not exactly know the answer to this question.
This is ultimately a question about boundaries, priorities, and the future.
Here is what I do know: This issue cannot be approached without prioritizing boundaries, and in this woman's case, it means deciding very clearly what she is and is not willing to endure in a reconciliation, and what she will do if those boundaries are breached.
But this is vitally important: Boundaries are not rules about others' behavior, they are rules about yours. Calling her mom and saying, "Fine, we can reconcile, but if you write about me in your blog, I'm out," is not boundary-setting. It's an ultimatum.
Desmond-Harris had a great idea for proceeding along these lines: To first think of what, if anything, she remembers from her childhood that is positive, and then, to basically tell her mother a succinct version of what she wrote to Slate. "We’ll probably never agree on the tactics you used, but I do know that you loved me, and I hate that you’re suffering now, and the thought of losing you makes me sick."
This way, she can still open the door without having to ignore how much her mother hurt her or her lack of accountability. And with her boundaries clearly defined, she can go forward with seeing her mother, knowing that no matter what her mother does, she has a plan in place to keep herself emotionally safe.
The other consideration is the future. Once your mom is gone, she's gone, and death has a way of changing our perspective on a dime. As Desmond-Harris put it, "You have the rest of your life and all of the therapy sessions it contains to process how she harmed you, but the time for a conversation that could bring you some peace and closure is limited." It comes down to a question only she can answer for herself. Once that door is closed, however imperfect it may be, will you wish you'd walked through it?
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
