Why Weddings Make Women Irrational (Before They Even Get Engaged)
A wedding is one day; a marriage is a lifetime.
Anna Tis, YanC | Canva Okay ladies, it's time to be honest with ourselves. Are you obsessed with your Pinterest wedding board? Have you been planning your nuptials since you were young? Gorgeous but, um, where's the groom? Many single women are invested in the idea of a perfect wedding — whether or not they have a significant other on board. You must pay attention to this marriage advice.
YourTango Experts Ellen Whitehurst, Maya Ezratti, Jasbina Ahluwalia, and Abby Rodman sat down with Melanie Gorman, to talk about just what makes women so crazy about their big day. Honestly, does visualizing your perfect wedding day make it a reality, or is it a dangerous fantasy? Even though Pinterest wedding boards are all the rage, something has to be said for the fact that we often spend hours trying to create the perfect plans. Is it harmful to start planning your wedding before you even get a marriage proposal (and detrimental to when you do eventually get married) — Or is it all just harmless fun?
Melanie Gorman: So with the popularity of wedding TV shows and sites like Pinterest there’s women out there planning their weddings long before they even have a groom. So my question is, what impact does this have on marriage and are these women invested in the wedding or the marriage? Like, what’s going on there?
Ellen Whitehurst: I have kind of a skewed perspective on this because I come from a world where you create your reality. And so I like the idea of being ready for your wedding and then thereby creating the actual event itself. So you can do this in any area of your life, not just the weddings. But, you know, there are a lot of people on Pinterest who can’t cook. Terrible recipes all over the place. Maybe someday they can scramble an egg, I don’t know. But I like the idea of preparing intentionally. Consciously using your intent to attract what it is that you want into your life. And certainly planning a wedding — now I’m not talking about Delusional Debbie, who’s like, you know, going to sleep in the night every night and, you know, getting her wedding gown during the day. I’m talking about somebody who wants to find a partner, find a mate, get married, and make a family. And so I think a great way to do that is to use your intention, empower yourself, and co-create it by creating the event itself.
Pexels / Emma Bauso
Melanie Gorman: But what about Delusional Debbie?
Jasbina Ahluwalia: Here’s the thing, is I love the idea of co-creating and I love the idea of you know, becoming the best version of your authentic self to attract the right person, I mean I completely. I’m also coming from a cultural backdrop where there’s not like a wedding day, there’s like wedding week, days of wedding. And I do feel like, you know, where your energy goes is where it flows and along those lines I would just so much rather see people’s energy flowing into- start with yourself, becoming that person you want to be to attract the right person.
But then really putting your energy towards not only being that person but getting out there and meeting those right people for you and just really putting the menus aside, those tastings will be fun when the time comes, but for now let’s focus on you know, really spending time with guys. Getting to know them.
Not interviewing them for this role as a future father to your children or to fit into your, you know, the set, your wedding set, to fit into that, you know on the groom cake, but rather to figure out if the two of you are right for each other and he’s not just fulfilling a role. I mean I feel sometimes, guys come back to me and say “You know I felt like I was on an interview, almost, like I was, you know, being evaluated,” and I think few guys, few women want to be evaluated as the Wife, the Husband, the Father, the Mother, of my kids exclusively. They want to be accepted as the individual that they are. With that caveat.
Ellen Whitehurst: I’m more talking about how people use vision boards and, to create a future that can happen. So there are different steps to everything. Yes of course, you’ve heard me say before that networking is key. Getting out and about in the real wide world is key.
Jasbina Ahluwalia: And putting your energy, like you said, putting your energy where, yeah-
Melanie Gorman: And I think there’s a whole culture of wedding shows that set up a huge level of expectations.
Abby Rodman: A preponderance of wedding shows glamorize the actual day, which is eight hours of your life, for most people.
Maya Ezratti: Instead of the quality of the man that you’ve chosen to spend it with.
Abby Rodman: And what the rest of your life is going to look like after that day where you get to dress up like a princess and your bridegroom like a butler and people running around doing your bidding. And it’s nothing like the rest of your life to follow.
Ellen Whitehurst: What?!
Melanie Gorman: You tell us now?
Ellen Whitehurst: Too late.
Abby Rodman: The problem, so where, I mean you know where are the TV — where are the reality shows about you know, when you go home and start the grind?
Ellen Whitehurst: They’re on Bravo.
Melanie Gorman: I don’t watch those.
Abby Rodman: So, yeah. I mean I think that there’s something — the glamorization of, you know.
Melanie Gorman: But they also have Bridezilla, so it’s not all glamourous.
Abby Rodman: Yeah I think, but I think that that appeals to some people.
Melanie Gorman: It does. Yeah. It does.
Abby Rodman: That whole thing of “I’m going to be in charge of this event, and I’m”-
Maya Ezratti: And it’s not even what it’s about, the whole Bridezilla concept, it’s awful.
Jasbina Ahluwalia: And going back to the conversations we were all talking about before you need to have. I’d rather see, you know, the bazillion hours going into picking your dress, picking the menu, I’d like to see some of those hours going into getting to know- like you said, the roles you guys are going to mutually share. You know, money. Like all of these topics. You know, family. All of these topics we were talking about. Love to see energy go towards those. At that stage more so than picking the dress for the guy you’re ultimately, hopefully, possibly going to be with if you get yourself out there and meet him. You know, so.
Melanie Gorman: So weddings. They sound like they’re a lovely thing. It’s one day. Keep it real.
Jasbina Ahluwalia: Or multiple days.
Melanie Gorman: Or multiple days, that’s right. Keep it realistic, right? And keep your fantasies in check. Pinterest is great for a vision board, but not a vision board on crack, right?
Ellen Whitehurst is a Lifestylist and Ultimate Health and Wellness expert and author. She is recognized as the country’s premier expert in Feng Shui and other empowering modalities. A former monthly columnist for both ‘Redbook’ and Seventeen magazines, Ellen is also a recurrent contributor to The Huffington Post and John Edward’s Infinite Quest among others. Jasbina Ahluwalia is a matchmaker and the founder of Intersections Match. She has been featured in Business Week, Chicago Tribune, Huffington Post, Entrepreneur Magazine, Inc., San Jose Mercury News, and more. Melanie Gorman is the former Senior VP of YourTango Experts. Maya Ezratti is a Certified Rules Dating & Relationships Coach. She coaches men and women on how to remove the desperation and frustration from dating, romance, relationships, and marriage. Abby Rodman, LICSW, is a writer and psychotherapist. She's the author of three books, including Without This Ring: A Woman's Guide to Successfully Living Through and Beyond Midlife Divorce, and co-hosts the podcast, Sisters Cracking Up.