Women Who Are Picky About Who They Allow Into Their Lives Usually Have These 11 Reasons
A woman's selectiveness often has deeper reasoning behind it than you may realize.
Oleg Fotografo / Shutterstock Some women are especially picky about who they allow in their lives, and for plenty of good reasons. By being more selective, they can ensure they fill their lives only with people who will have a positive impact on them. They prefer individuals who align with their values and standards and understand how to respect their boundaries.
If it seems like someone will be detrimental to their mental and emotional well-being, they are likely not to want that person to have any part in their lives, and they don't feel bad about cutting people off. Their top priority is to be sure that every relationship in their lives positively impacts them.
Women who are picky about who they allow into their lives usually have these 11 reasons
1. They've experienced trauma in the past
PeopleImages / Shutterstock
If a woman has experienced trauma in the past, she is likely to be more picky about who she allows into her life. This acts as her defensive mechanism to protect herself from further trauma.
While it's healthy to deeply consider the people who get access to her and her life, if relationships with others are going well and she still finds herself withdrawn or attempting to get out of them, the past trauma may be negatively impacting her relationships that otherwise would be positive.
Trauma can cause a fight-or-flight response, which "manifests as avoidance, withdrawal, or literally leaving when things get uncomfortable. You might end relationships abruptly when conflict arises, avoid difficult conversations, or stay constantly busy to prevent emotional connection. Some women describe feeling an overwhelming urge to run when a relationship starts to deepen,” explains Kim Wagner, a licensed clinical social worker at the Women’s Counseling Center of Denver.
2. They are emotionally mature
Sanja Miljevic / Shutterstock
Emotionally mature women will likely be picky about who they let into their lives. With emotional maturity comes a better understanding of her own boundaries and what she deserves, so she will not just settle for anything.
She is also likely to want to build friendships and romantic relationships with other emotionally mature people. She knows that this is the true way that any kind of relationship is able to remain healthy and thrive, so she will only want those kinds of people in her life. Emotionally healthy relationships will add to her life rather than take away from what she has already built on her own.
3. They have a clear sense of self
Roman Samborskyi / Shutterstock
When a woman has a clear sense of self, she will not just let anyone into her life. By being picky about the relationships and friendships she has, she is able to protect herself and ensure that those she lets into her life align with her values and emotional needs.
“An individual with a strong sense of self possesses clarity regarding what is conducive to their happiness and well-being, even when others may not comprehend their choices. They navigate decisions of various magnitudes with assurance, and with very little second-guessing as these choices resonate with their authentic identity, fostering self-acceptance,” explains Diane Mitchell, a mindset well-being therapist.
Even if other people may not understand, a woman with a clear sense of self will continue to make the decisions that are best for her.
4. They want genuine connection
PeopleImages / Shutterstock
Women with a deep desire for genuine connections are typically more selective about who they let into their lives. They want to be sure that if they let someone in and invest time and energy in a relationship, it will be worth it, so if they doubt that a genuine connection will develop with a certain person, they will not pursue any kind of relationship with them.
When looking for romantic partners, especially when making sure they align with her wants for the connection and the relationship, it is important to her, and it is not something she should ever feel bad about.
“While it is important to go into dating with an open mind, it is also important that you know what you are looking for in a relationship and partner. You know yourself better than anyone, so you get to decide what you need and want in a relationship. You also get to determine your 'non-negotiables' or things that you are absolutely unwilling to compromise on,” said Leah Aguirre, a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist.
5. They prioritize quality over quantity
PeopleImages / Shutterstock
Women may be picky about the people they let into their lives because they prioritize quality over quantity. They would rather have very few people in their lives, but those relationships are more meaningful than having several meaningless ones.
These women will not be afraid to say no to certain relationships with people and will continue to do what they know will be best for them mentally and emotionally in the long term. They also likely put a lot of time and effort into nurturing the meaningful and quality relationships they do have, which makes them feel way more fulfilled than being surrounded by less quality relationships.
6. They have an instinct for self-protection
PeopleImages / Shutterstock
When a woman is picky about the people she allows into her life, she likely has an instinct for self-protection. This instinct relies heavily on her personal judgment of those around her and how they might impact her life.
If she feels they would take from her life rather than add to it, she will not want to pursue any kind of relationship with that person. She’s not just considering her present self, but she is also taking into consideration the impact they would have on her future self, so she will use her intuition and instinct for protection to look after herself in this stage of life and later stages as well.
7. They seek peace and stability
Pheelings media / Shutterstock
By being selective about who they choose to have access to their life, a woman is actively preventing potential damage to her mental and emotional well-being. She is setting the boundaries necessary to protect her peace and stability.
“At its core, boundaries are about self-care. They’re the lines you draw to protect your emotional, physical, and mental well-being. And let’s be clear: boundaries are not about shutting people out; they’re about keeping you safe and centered,” states Chrystal Dunkers of Point and Pivot Counseling Services, a practice that helps to provide anxiety therapy for Black women in New Jersey.
8. They respect boundaries
JLco Julia Amaral / Shutterstock
Women who are picky about the individuals they let into their lives likely have a strong respect for their own boundaries. They are not willing to sacrifice their well-being by letting someone cross their boundaries.
“There is certainly a correlation between boundaries and our mental and emotional health. Healthier boundaries promote healthier mental and emotional wellbeing. Setting appropriate boundaries within our relationships can help us gain a greater sense of self, and improve our self-worth by allowing us to establish what is acceptable and what is unacceptable in a relationship,” mentions Ashlee Edwards, a licensed professional clinical counselor and supervisor for Insight Clinical Counseling and Wellness.
9. They seek people who share their values
BearFotos / Shutterstock
Women may be more selective about who they let into their lives if they are seeking individuals with the same values as they do. They may believe that, for a healthy, long-lasting relationship to develop, having similar values helps it remain stable and authentic.
If someone has very different values, they will likely not pursue any kind of relationship with these people because they feel like they’d be putting their time, energy, and potentially their well-being at risk. “Having shared values is a crucial aspect of any successful and fulfilling relationship. While chemistry and attraction play significant roles in a relationship's initial stages, aligned values sustain a deep connection and foster long-term compatibility,” according to The Foundation for Talent Transformation, a nonprofit organization that aims to help individuals better understand themselves.
10. They refuse to settle
PeopleImages / Shutterstock
When women are more selective about who they let into their lives, it could be due to their refusal to settle. It is not that they feel like their life can only be filled with “perfect” people, but they know their worth and standards and do intend on finding people that align with those things.
Especially if in the past they have settled for relationships that did not meet their standards, they will likely feel burnt out from these past experiences and will not want to relive those moments. They would rather be alone than settle for individuals who make them feel emotional strain.
11. They need reliability
Fit Ztudio / Shutterstock
Some women will decide to be picky about the relationships they have because they need friends and partners who are reliable. Not only do they need someone who can help support them during times of emotional turmoil, but they also need someone who can be a stable aspect of their life, no matter what.
They typically have a good sense of self-worth that helps them not be willing to settle for anyone who does not meet their needs. While not all women who are picky about the people they let into their lives will relate to these reasons, most have significant reasons behind being more selective, and they should never have to feel bad about knowing what they do and do not want in their lives.
Kamryn Idol is a writer with a bachelor's degree in media and journalism who covers lifestyle, relationship, family, and wellness topics.
