When A Woman Is Struggling But Doesn't Want You To Know, She'll Usually Do These 11 Things Without Realizing
Irina Bg | Shutterstock Everyone experiences difficult times at some point in their lives, but everyone handles their struggles differently. Some people face their problems head-on, while others try to push their struggles away. When a woman is struggling and doesn't want anyone to know, she'll do a few specific unhealthy things that can help you identify them.
People don't always share what they're going through, but there are certain indications that reveal when they're in distress. While reaching out and asking for help isn't easy, it's always better to seek support than try to handle issues alone. If someone you care about is doing these things, it's likely she's struggling and doesn't want you to know. Still, you can always reach out and offer yourself as someone who can listen and support in any way she finds useful.
When a woman is struggling but doesn't want you to know, she'll usually do these 11 things without realizing
1. They overwork
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Some women deal with their problems by keeping themselves excessively busy. They pile on work projects as a way to avoid confronting what's really going on in their life. By overcommitting themselves, they don't give themselves any downtime to reflect on their problems or process difficult feelings.
Licensed counselor Jodi Clarke writes, "Research suggests that an individual's perceived level of busyness is heavily connected to their feelings of self-worth, as well as to how others view their status," which is just another way someone who is struggling may pretend all is well so others don't know.
"Individuals who are always busy by choice tend to feel needed, in demand, and important," Clarke continues, "thus elevating their feelings about themselves."
The problem is, their propensity for overworking can lead to higher stress, physical ailments, and heightens their risk of experiencing extreme burnout. Their level of emotional disengagement often leads them to commit to their jobs even more, which can be isolating.
Unfortunately, this could easily perpetuate the cycle of avoiding all their problems and avoid healing and resolution.
2. They experience mood swings
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A sign that a woman is struggling but doesn't want you to know is persistent mood swings. She can go from feeling calm and stable to feeling irritated, sad, or angry without warning. This often happens because they're not addressing the underlying issues that are causing them so much distress and anguish, and those feelings eventually pop up elsewhere.
Psychologist Nick Wignall explains that an essential aspect of maintaining emotional balance is to let yourself feel the full range of your emotions. People who are emotionally balanced accept having painful feelings as a normal part of the human experience.
As Wignall points out, "When you lean into painful emotions by acknowledging them and accepting them, you allow them to run their course and dissipate." He concluded, "The harder you try to escape painful emotions, the more you intensify them."
When someone is avoiding all their problems, even if they try to hide it, their emotions won't disappear; rather, they'll become amplified. Reassuring yourself that it's okay to have hard feelings is the first step to moving through them and moving on.
3. They focus on helping other people
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Another sign a woman is struggling and avoiding all her problems is the way she focuses on helping other people. Helping other people is noble and can help boost self-esteem and happiness, but she doesn't just help them, she focuses on them intensely instead of dealing with her own personal struggles.
These women use helping others as a distraction technique, which allows them to deflect their emotions and put their energy toward issues that have nothing to do with them. While being a supportive friend and family member is valuable, it's important to know when to ask for help.
By going out of their way to lend a helping hand or act as a shoulder to cry on, these women are giving themselves an excuse to not navigate their own problems. No person is an island, which means that everyone needs extra support at certain times. If someone refuses to seek out that support, it's highly likely that they'll be treading water until they're completely depleted.
4. They sleep more than usual
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Getting a good night's sleep is important for people's physical and mental health, and women actually need more sleep than men. But if a woman is struggling and doesn't want you to know, it's possible she's sleeping a lot as a way to avoid her issues without letting you know.
Experiencing depression and anxiety is exhausting on every level, and some people handle their psychological struggles by diving into bed and sleeping more than usual. It's tempting to want to shut the world out when life gets hard, but sleeping too much doesn't solve the underlying reason that someone feels unwell.
While there are mental health benefits to staying in bed and decompressing, there's such a thing as too much bed rotting. Oversleeping is a sign that someone is avoiding all their problems, even if they try to hide it. Finding actual mental health support is essential, like seeing a therapist, attending a support group, or reaching out to loved ones, so as to not feel so alone.
5. They act overly optimistic
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A woman who is struggling but doesn't want you to know might try to hide how she feels by putting on a brave face and acting happy, even when she's not. They might feign excitement in social situations to mask what's really happening.
By acting overly optimistic, they avoid letting anyone know that they're going through something difficult, which means that no one will question them, so they don't have to open up or be vulnerable.
They might channel toxically positive vibes and insist that they're okay and everything is going to be fine, without actually taking practical steps to deal with their problems. By using happiness as a shield, they protect themselves from having to process their true emotions.
6. They move or travel a lot
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Going on vacation is a great way to experience new places, meet new people, and relax, but frequent relocation could be a sign a woman is avoiding all their problems, even if she tries to hide it. They might bounce around from place to place so that they don't have to deal with the issues that are going on at home. They push away their "real lives" and take trips as a method of avoidance.
They might think they can outrun their problems, but changing locations doesn't change their internal emotional geography. They might be able to achieve a brief respite from whatever's challenging them by going somewhere different, but sooner or later, they're going to be faced with the same problems they've been running away from. As the saying goes, "Wherever you go, there you are."
7. They minimize their own feelings
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A woman who is struggling but doesn't want anyone to know might try to hide it by downplaying her feelings, both to others and to herself. This problem grows exponentially larger as she continues doing this. The more she minimizes her experience, the more she sends herself a message that she's not worth caring about. This, of course, can make her feel even worse.
People who are struggling might pretend that their feelings don't matter, brushing off any offers of support from people around them, despite the fact that people want to help more than we realize. They go through their daily routines without taking time to think about how they feel, and when an uncomfortable emotion does arise, they push it right back down and make it small enough to try and ignore.
The problem is that pushing down feelings doesn't work. Refusing to processing your emotions only makes your problems come back even stronger. Eventually, you'll be forced to face them directly.
8. They have a perfect social media presence
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Social media is a double-edged sword. In some ways, it's a tool for connection, allowing people to share their experiences and feel less alone. Yet social media can be harmful, especially when it's used as a way to compare yourself to other people.
A sign that a woman is struggling but doesn't want anyone to know is when she has an impossibly perfect social media presence. She might post photo after photo, capturing what she ate for brunch, what she wore to brunch, and who she had brunch with, but those photos don't tell the whole story.
Social media often functions as a distorted mirror. It's a window that allows people to peek into someone else's life, but we can't see what's actually going on after they put their phones away. While some people use social media to share the messy, imperfect parts of their lives, others hide what they're going through.
Yet pretending that everything's perfect only works for a little while, and doing so can make someone feel disconnected from their actual life. It creates a sense of distance and detachment, which might make people who are struggling feel even more alone.
9. They agree with everyone
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Another sign that a woman is struggling is that she suddenly starts agreeing with everyone around her. This will be especially true if you know her well and know she doesn't agree at all. If you're the one she's hiding her struggles from, this will probably be shocking.
By saying "yes" all the time and leaning into their people-pleasing tendencies, they consequently don't have to face whatever's happening beneath the surface. They're lax with their own boundaries and they don't have self-respect.
Sometimes a woman who is struggling will simply feel too tired to disagree or make a point. She may feel it's easier to just say "yes" to everything others say because she wants to side-step conflict or any situation where they have to talk in a more in-depth way. Her constant agreement is a deflection tactic, one that allows her to avoid all their problems.
10. Their clothes and home are messy
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We all have our messy days, showing up to a friend's house in flannel pajama pants or less-than-cute yoga pants with an old tee shirt. But when a woman is struggling and doesn't want you to know, she might change how she dresses dramatically and she probably won't even realize it.
A woman who typically curls her hair and wears dress shoes may look "sloppy" in a pair of boyfriend jeans and greasy hair, and only the people closest will notice when she's struggling. A woman who typically has a messy ponytail and comfy jeans may suddenly wear dirty sweatpants and slides with socks and raise flags.
The big sign that a woman is struggling and doesn't want you to know isn't so much a specific thing she wears, but rather a major change in how she presents herself, a change that is lasting and not just a random PMS week or post-breakup slump.
Similarly, a change in how messy her house is could be a sign that she's struggling and doesn't want you to know. This isn't just a theory, these changes have been well-documented as signs of depression and other struggles.
11. They only have superficial conversations
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Keeping conversations centered on small talk is another sign a woman is struggling, even if she tries to hide it. She may shy away from sharing anything personal about herself or change the subject whenever a topic gets heavy or goes deeper than she's willing to let herself get.
People who are trying to hide that they're struggling often focus their social interactions on superficial connections, so they can avoid talking about the issues they're trying to ignore. They may also be struggling with self-esteem and think nobody is interested in the details of their life and not realize that most people struggle with that insecurity, while research shows that people are actually more interested than we realize.
They might ask about your family, your job, and your weekend, but refuse to share anything about their own life. They might get uncomfortable if you ask them questions, and go quiet or make up an excuse to leave. If someone seems like they're not letting people get close to them, it might indicate that they're trying to hide their problems.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.
