The Art Of Emotional Courage: 4 Simple Habits Of People Who Process Their Feelings In A Healthy Way
These habits let you honor your emotions without letting them control you.
Joshua Rawson-Harris | Unsplash The key to self-love is emotional courage, but how do you get in touch with your emotions without sacrificing your mental health? In Western culture, we unfortunately have little developed ability to just be with our feelings.
Mental-health issues involve a lack of capacity for emotional regulation. Too much unmanaged emotion overpowers our brain's ability to make mindful, rational decisions. When strong emotions are not contained, we feel like we are living on an emotional rollercoaster.
In the morning, we felt fine. But then we turn sad by mid-morning, irritable in the afternoon, and numbed out at night. Shaming, denying, or judging our feelings causes them to manifest as anxiety, depression, and fear of intimacy. However, choosing to face your emotions and learning to regulate them is a necessary skill for wellness and personal growth.
Here are 4 simple habits of people who process their feelings in a healthy way
1. They rediscover who they are by listening to their own instincts
Your core self is in your body, not the programmed thoughts of your ego. Self-referencing is done by sensing your inner experience. So, focus on the physical feelings in the core of your body: your heart, chest, and stomach, in the present moment. When you can't nail down exactly how you're feeling, this is the place to put your attention. Pause and internally name what you are feeling.
Psychiatrist Judith Orloff advised, "The most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself. If this is good, you’ll be able to have wonderful relationships with others. Dealing with emotions effectively isn’t stuffing them away or feeling them less. It’s about establishing balance, strengthening those areas where you’re most vulnerable, and maximizing your assets."
2. They get better at telling real feelings apart from knee-jerk ones
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All emotions are not created equal. Different emotions are different for everyone, so it's time to examine yours.
Authentic emotions are the genuine, spontaneous expression of your inner experience. Default emotions are ones that take you to your familiar reactive, blaming, passive-aggressive, and shame-filled territory.
"Protect your sensitivities," cautioned Dr. Orloff. "Make a list of your top five most emotionally rattling situations, then formulate a plan for handling them so you don’t get caught in a panic. For instance, take your car places so you don’t get trapped in social situations."
3. They stop letting their emotions run the show
Regulating your emotions is a two-part process that involves mindfulness and experiencing. First, check in with your emotions. Are you experiencing default emotions? Pause and notice them, and don't let them impulsively dictate your behavior or reactions. If they are your authentic emotions, build your capacity to tolerate and track the physical sensations you feel in your body. Do not judge them.
Life coach Mitzi Bockmann recommended, "When emotions overwhelm you, pause and take a deep breath. Put your hand on your tummy and breathe in for a count of three, filling up your belly as you do, and then release for a count of three. Do this repeatedly until you feel calmer. Deep breathing slows your heart rate and improves your cognitive functioning so that you can think more clearly. And thinking more clearly will allow you to deal with those emotions."
Connect to your inner emotional world with neutrality and curiosity. Primary emotions have vital information for you. From this embodied adult perspective, you can respond. Being with your feelings allows them to integrate, and this feels liberating and empowering!
4. They let themselves feel anger without spiraling
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Separate the fear of having anger from merely experiencing it in the body. Once anger is identified and felt, it can be informative. Constructive anger is a healthy assertion. Owning and integrating anger also heals anxiety.
"Perspective is always a great thing to seek out when you’re all wrapped up in emotions," suggested relationship coach Dr. Lisa Webb. "Try to remember that the vast majority of human beings are not malicious or mean-spirited. Most people act on the belief that they are doing the right thing, though sometimes they aren’t a good judge of how their actions impact others."
You don't have to spend your entire life running away from your primary emotions. Using all sorts of strategies that engineer smallness in your life and constrain your joy and vitality. By learning these skills of emotional regulation, you can become increasingly present to your best self. And most importantly, you'll learn the art of loving yourself!
Dr. Nadine Macaluso, PhD, is a licensed psychotherapist, expert in trauma bonds and narcissistic abuse, and bestselling author.
